Is there anyone here who has PTSD?

[sadinred]

My mother has PTSD - childhood caused. I've always been able to talk with her for the most part, but I am losing patience with her anger which comes up in response to her "being triggered". It's just been too many years of the same thing over and over again. But her anger causes her to be alone much of the time. She pushes everyone away because she doesn't trust and/or doesn't like them. I don't want her to be alone, but I don't want to be run over either. I am only now considering the possibility that I should really learn more about PTSD.

Does anyone know of a good site or book that helps family members of people with PTSD? Anyone have personal experience/advice?

[Bluerthanblue]

1. hope your

mom is seeking help- These are 'triggering' times for many of us- Two books i can think of off the top of my head are "Making it through the day"- and "But I can't get over it" .. .think those are the titles- the second one is excellent in addressing specific causes, the first is good on helping you find coping skills-

Isolating is something many of us do, not only to minimize the triggers, but also to avoid hurting those we love and who are confused, hurt, afraid, and bothered by our sometimes out of whack reactions to what seems like ordinary things-
Hopefully she will learn to identify some common triggers, and vocalize them- My friends and family know many of the 'dangerous' places for me- i can't stand people walking behind me, and we stop and let anyone go by- (which sometimes makes getting places quite the dance) people losing it with their kids in stores are a big problem for me- i've burst into tears, and grit my teeth so hard i've broken them, as well as just left the store and my cart and driven away. On very rare occassions i've spoken gently to the child, trying not to butt in, but letting them know that people are there, and not everyone is ignoring what is happening to them- that often scares those i'm with, cause they are afraid i'm going to get unloaded on, and my fear of screaming back in the parents face "IS THIS HOW YOU WANT PEOPLE TO TALK TO YOU YOU!!!THEY DIDN'T DRAG YOU INTO THIS STORE,AND THEY CAN'T LEAVE-!!!" Which would be stupid, but, i can't tolerate people taking out their frustration on children who have such little voice in what thier world revolves around.
One thing my Helpers have encouraged me to do when i'm really losing it is to focus on one thing- sit down, feel your feet on the ground, tell yourself, i am here- this is the ground beneath me, i am an adult, this is now, this is today- look at your hands, they are grown up hands breath in, these are grown up lungs, "grounding" is what my T calls it- even if you have to say it over and over right out loud, "i'm here now- i am not a child- i am safe" over and over and over. Stamp your feet, feel the ground, find a comforting smell that has no triggers, and use that to bring yourself back to the here and now.
I can really understand your mom's fear, and desire to hide- but what is life worth at that rate? and what is she doing to those she loves? Those are what have forced me to try and work through my issues, to keep trying, at least most days- i hibernate, somethimes with medicated help when things are REALLY bad- (versus doing serious self harm) but those times are not all that freequent- not a daily or weekly thing as a rule.

I grew up with a mentally ill parent, it's part of why i've lived the life i have- i honor and thank you for wanting to understand your mom- but take care of you too. When someone in a family is suffering, the whole family suffers in their own different, but significant way-

i wish you and your mom- comfort and peace-
blu

[sadinred]

3. thank you. Only in the last week my mother has said that

she hates having the PTSD and is tired of it stopping her from doing what she'd like to do in life. Maybe she'd be up for a book or two. In the meantime I'll check them out myself.

Her family is the biggest trigger. And it's hard for her that one of her family members is in touch with me. That, in fact, is what triggered her last night, and prompted my post.

My mother is 17 years sober in AA, and that has taught her a lot about boundaries. SHe's also involved (as a client and a student) in alternative healing methods, which have taught her many ways of grounding and clearing and stuff like that. Her anger is so great though...well, her very loud fear I believe.

Anyway thank you for you post. I will look into those books right away.

I hope you continue to find peace for yourself as well. I'm glad you have so much support from your friends!

Be well.

[EFerrari]

2. Hi there, sadinred

I have PTSD. It doesn't trouble me now as much as it used to but I had a five year therapy with a wonderful therapist that was pretty intense. Learning to predict triggers was pretty key for me and also for my partner who has his own initials.

I don't know of a site. If I find one that looks good, I'll post the info here.

As far as distancing, sure. I seem to do that, too. I have good close relationships with my family now but remember going through a process of finding the right distance to put between me and them. First, I had to repair my poor tattered boundaries. :) After that, negotiating the relationships was a little easier.

But, if something happens to me -- an injury or too much stress, I tend to withdraw. I'm not at all sure that's the PTSD -- it could be just me. I write for a living, was an only child for 8 years and would be perfectly happy left to my own devices for an extended period of time. In fact, I need a lot of time alone to be comfy.

Not sure if that's helpful at all.

best,
Beth

[sadinred]

4. thanks beth that is helpful.

Yeah, my mother withdraws too. SHe is so angry but so easily hurt. It's really sad. I try to remain aware, but I get tired sometimes, and if I slip, and she starts screaming it's to the point where I just leave her and weeks or months pass with no communication. This happens every few months.

Very sad.

Thank you for your post.

I'm glad you're doing so well. Keep taking care!

[EFerrari]

5. My mom, for different reasons (like undiagnosed Bi Polar)

is challenging in this way as well.

She has no concept of my boundaries, needs, etc.

I try to get our relationship on a positive roll. The operative word is "try". And I don't allow boundary violations.

What has worked a little is to validate the positive steps she takes. I can't cure her or control her or fix her. But I can pipe up when she takes even the smallest step in a positive direction.

Moms. Can't live with them, can't live with them. :)

/sorry, I cannot type

[sadinred]

8. my mother

was hospitalized when she was in college. She received shock treatment etc. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia...of course, back them, they diagnosed everybody - esp. women! - with that. Her mom was diagnosed as bi-polar.

I don't really know what my mom has, although a few years ago she was determined to be legally disabled with PTSD.

Both my sister and I grew up in terror, and we both had periods of addiction/depression as adults. Thank god we're both doing okay now.

But, yes, to answer you: Mom's are tough...even the healthiest of them!

[EFerrari]

6. On screaming.

I'm not sure how literally to take this but, I had this problem, too.

One day when I was just too weary to listen to it, I told her, this screaming is very bad for me. It is also very bad for you. Since I care about both of us, I will not talk to you when you are screaming. Please call me back when you are done.

And some weeks went by. And I had to resend the message several times. And, every now and then, the behavior tries to resurface.

But I was very serious. It's harmful to me. It's harmful to her. And when I expect her to do better, I'm also sending the message,"You can handle your upset, I know you can" in a supportive way.

fwiw2
Beth

[undergroundpanther]

7. I have PSTD

I live with my mom too.
my PSTD is from childhood too.
I find she triggers me quite a bit .She watches TV really loud(because she is old) falls asleep with it on. That by itself is annoying..but it's triggering when what she watches are crime shows with abuse scenes in them. It triggers me bad.Also Christian religion is a trigger especially the fundies,and occasionally she will have some preacher on TV.I really have a hard time dealing with it because I get triggered into rage with fundies.(I was abused by fundies a direct trigger).She has nightmares from watching all this and I can hear her yelling and stuff upstairs on the couch dreaming . So sneak upstairs and switch channels as she sleeps to something innocuous like TV land or Animal planet.I Find if I turn it off she wakes up.

So yeah it is very hard to deal with older parents with habits that trigger you.At least mom is not being as mean as she was or intrusive as she used to be when I lived with her before.To cope with her I put up very clear boundaries on what I would tolerate or not tolerate out of her.I spend alot of time away from the house.

Boundaries are the key to surviving in situations like this without losing it. Don't tolerate anything that makes you feel sick inside past a certain point.You have to decide what that point is.

For me I still explode and startle . But I try my best to not do it catch the trigger when I can't catch it in time I tell my mom I am sorry for exploding.She knows I have PSTD.
Here are a few resources

http://www.drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm

This is a message board.
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3/

[sadinred]

9. thanks undergroundp. I don't live with her, actually I am

currently living 1100 miles away...which is kind of nice. But we talk on the phone a lot, as she gets very lonely when we miss more than a day.

Thanks for your support. It's my mother who has PTSD and who gets triggered, but you are very right that I have my own issues to deal with and that I have to take care of myself in all of this. Thank you for the important reminder and for the links.


be well!
take care of yourself.

-sadinred

[Tab]

10. Yeah, you get tired of it.

Same shit, different day, but she lives this day in and day out.

You need, for your own mental health, to set boundaries for yourself, but she has issues and will need help dealing with them; if not from you, then a support group that you may have to drag her to.

You just say it's "childhood caused", without being specific, but if it's physical abuse or sexual abuse or something similar, there are lots of support groups out there. Find a women's health center in your area and give them a call - they should be able to point you to something. If by chance you get someone that doesn't know what they're talking about or doesn't give you a satisfactory answer (have seen it happen), call another one.

And you may want to see a psychologist yourself, not that you've got a problem directly, but they can help you deal with someone else who has a problem, give you ideas of what drives them and how to react to them to help them along and minimize the problems it creates in your life.

Best of luck

- Tab

[EFerrari]

11. A witness to trauma is also a victim of that trauma. n/t

[sadinred]

12. thanks Tab. n/t

[Kashka-Kat]

13. Me

Its possible to relearn new patterns -- make a space for the "hurt child" in ones life but then also learn new ways of relating/responding. Now my experience is I get triggered but I don't need to act on it against other people. Its like I'll have 2 tracks going, one which is the hurt child seeing reality as she was taught to see it, and the other is the adult awareness of what is really happening. Eventually you can develop an adult persona which takes care of the hurt infant. For me its still important to be able to nurture her and accept that I'll always have the hurt infant -- when it gets really bad I'll go in my car or my friends primal and just wail and get it out and that emotional expression helps me feel better and lessens the drive to act it out with other people.

[NashVegas]

14. Just Be Supportive

When I was in 'crisis' mode some 12 years ago and having panic attacks, a friend at work allowed me to use him as a pillar. He was there when I needed someone to lean on, but he never 'grasped,' so to speak. He was also good with a sardonic joke about the situation every now and then.

Do: let your mom express her emotions.
Don't: attempt to use logic to make her see / feel something different from what she is feeling. Emotions aren't logical, especially long-buried ones.

Whatever it was that went down to cause your mom PTSD, don't minimize it to her, under any circumstances.

Encourage your mom to excercise. Yoga is particularly wonderful for stress and I can't recommend it enough.

In my case, the #1 reason I held onto rage (for 15-20 years) was because no one in my family would admit that some very abusive shit had gone down (non-sexual physical and verbal abuse from an older brother for 10 years) and it was not okay, and I was told to let go of it and put it in the past everytime I tried to bring it up.

Just FYI -

Last year I finally confronted this brother and to my total disarmament, he stood his ground and deeply, sincerely, acknowledged his wrongs and apologized. Since then I've been dealing with family reaction (some good, some not so good) and have cried more tears in the last year than in the 35 previous.

If your mom is eventually able to let it go, chances are it's not going to come without a lot of pain. But it's worth it.

[sadinred]

15. thank you! you hit it on the nose!!!!

"In my case, the #1 reason I held onto rage (for 15-20 years) was because no one in my family would admit that some very abusive shit had gone down (non-sexual physical and verbal abuse from an older brother for 10 years) and it was not okay, and I was told to let go of it and put it in the past every time I tried to bring it up."

that's where my mom's anger hides!!! And it infuriates her that I don't agree that (for one example) her sister is a "liar, thief" etc. I just don't think that way...and yes I have been victimized too. I forgive everyone. I hold no grudges. My mother was been the cruelest nastiest most abusive woman when I was younger. I forgive her. Why can't she forgive??? And why is it so important that I agree with her that XYZ is a &*$#@!*?? Why do I have to agree?

SORRY. I hope that doesn't offend you. I really appreciate your post because what you said is quite probably what is going on with my mom and I would never have been able to understand it on my own.

Thank you Crisco.

[Rich Hunt]

16. I have PTSD

....because of various incidents in my life, compounded over the years.

For a brief time, I thought I had bipolar, because I was being triggered so much.

I saw three psychiatrists and none of them agreed with this. They prescribed sleep
and depression medication. Depression medication worked for short periods of time.

I did go through long periods of withdrawal, partly because telling people my story
was too traumatic, and partly because I didn't want to burden anyone with it.

Anxiety attacks - yes, I get them. Once I was stretching, pinched a nerve in
my neck and passed out from the pain. When I came to, I couldn't breathe
and had to be rushed to the hospital to be put on oxygen.

I am very easily startled and triggered.

My best experience was in group therapy with other women.

[Ladyhawk]

17. I have childhood-caused PTSD related to sexual, emotional,

physical and "spiritual" abuse. I take klonopin (clonazepam) at least twice a day to keep from having anxiety attacks and it works, for the most part. If I go off the klonopin, a combination of withdrawal and PTSD makes me have such severe anxiety I can't stand being in my own body. I dissociate. It feels like I am standing behind myself, operating my hands and arms like a puppet.

The things that helped:

-Anti-anxiety medication
-Not being in quite so much pain (needed surgery)
-Alpha-Stim SCS (an electronic device)

I will occasionally still have periods of dissociation, but they aren't as severe or frequent as they were.