My 10YO has an eating disorder

[Xithras]

First let me apologize for posting this to multiple groups, but I'm desperate. I just had a disturbing phone call and made an even more disturbing mental connection about my oldest child.

My 10 year old daughter is, like both me and her mother, exceptionally tall and thin...really the definition of "waif-like". Several months ago I noticed that she wasn't eating much for breakfast in the morning, on some days trying to skip breakfast altogether, and that her appetite for dinner had scaled back as well. I mentioned it to her pediatrician at her last visit, and the doctor told me that she was fine physically and that she was probably going through a lull in her growth and was eating fewer calories as a result.

I believed this until 5 minutes ago. My daughters 5th grade teacher just called me with some serious concerns. Apparently she has overheard my daughter on more than one occasion tell her friends that she's "fat" and "dieting to be skinny and pretty", and so the teacher began watching her for any signs of A/B. What she found was that, in three weeks, my daughter has thrown her lunch in the garbage uneaten every single day.

The teacher took her concerns to the school nurse, and they confronted her about it today. My daughter, who is a very quiet, extremely intelligent (all GATE, tests in the top 3% nationwide for reading comp and math), and pacifistic kid apparently flew into a furious and tear filled screaming RAGE that they were "spying on her", and said that she eats as much as she needs. When the nurse asked her why she was throwing her lunches away, my daughter repeated that she was "a fat pig". This, coming from a girl who is 4'8" and weighs less than 60 pounds, alarmed them a bit (just for reference, at 18 I was 6'1", 135 pounds, and I ate like a horse, so a certain component of her weight is genetic).

So now I'm sitting here wondering what the HELL I did wrong, and how to fix this. Her teacher recommended that I get her into her doctor right away, and I'm planning on doing that, but what else can I do? I have absolutely ZERO experience with eating disorders and don't know where to start with this. Do I start making her plates myself and force her to eat? Do I need to take her to a shrink? How does this stuff start? She doesn't like boys yet so I doubt she's doing it to attract anyone, and she doesn't even have a belly bulge so I'm not sure how this whole thought process even got started.

Any advice that anyone can give me would be helpful. I don't think I've ever felt this confused, or this helpless, about a parenting problem before. There's something wrong with my little girl and I don't know how to help her :cry:

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

1. from me.....

Disclaimer: I am a dissertation away from having my master's in counseling, but I am NOT a licensed therapist yet. PLEASE do not mistake what I have to say as anything but the advice of an educated guesster. NOTHING substitutes for counseling.

GOOD NEWS:

1. You've caught the problem at TEN. At TEN, she can't drive anywhere. At TEN, you can have an adult monitor her 24/7 if you have to. Early detection of something like this SAVES LIVES.

2. You love her. MOST American children have little or no relationship with their father. The last statistic I read said that over 70% don't live with their dad, and something insane like 30% had not talked to their dad in OVER A YEAR.

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but a little girl's PRIMARY emotional need is for her father's love and approval. (Think of how badly you needed/wanted your mommy when you were a little boy and multiply it by ten.)

What does this mean? Your daughter already has the foundation of a solid recovery in place -- you, and to a slightly lesser extent, her mother.

PRESCRIPTION:

1. RUN to counseling. ALL of you. She needs individual AND family counseling. So do you. In your individual, work on parenting skills. I'm sure you're already a fabulous parent (you're still there, which puts you ahead of the VAST majority of fathers, and you obviously love her). But everyone can get better, and your daughter may need some specific skills on your end to be honed and strengthened.

2. TALK. HUG. CRY. QUALITY TIME. TALK. HUG. CRY. HUG AGAIN. TALK. PLAN MORE QUALITY TIME. HUG. CRY. TALK. HUG. HUG. HUG. HUG. HUG.


Take care of YOURSELF, too -- you can only take care of her if you're taking care of yourself.

Best to you and your little girl. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Droopy]

2. I agree with Ms. Bookworm, especially the part

about the counseling. Go see a psychologist asap. You've somehow got to reinforce in your daughter that she's pretty just the way she is and that she needs to eat properly to maintain her health.

Don't blame yourself. I'm sure you've done an excellent job raising your child. Your post here indicates that you are a very loving parent. One of the first things that my mom thought when she found out I was mentally ill was that it was something she had done. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. Nobody was to blame. Nature had encoded me with faulty brain chemistry.

With eating disorders I think the culprit may be the pressures that society puts on women and girls to aspire to some supposedly ideal way to look. When some women see that and don't think they measure up they can get low self esteem and a poor and inaccurate image of their own bodies. But, hell, I'm no psychologist. It could be something totally different with your daughter. Get counseling and let us know how your daughter is doing along the way. I'm not saying to give us the details of your sessions, just let us know if she's getting better.

On edit: I didn't mean to post in response to you, GB.

[DemExpat]

3. Friends of ours have a 22 year old daughter who was experiencing

this disorder.
After about a year of counselling - first with the whole family and then alone - she has nicely recovered (ongoing process) and looks so much healthier than she did so very thin.

Try not to panic - read up on the disorder in children at your library or book store, and get informed. This will help that feeling of powerlessness and not understanding.

This is how you can help your little girl - seek counselling now - and getting it this early is hopefully nipping it in the bud!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[Xithras]

4. A follow-up

Thank you for the replies. I took the advice posted in this forum and the two others I posted in, and contacted my daughters Dr. Saturday morning. He didn't waste any time with it, and set her up for a checkup and a psych consult first thing this morning.

The verdict: My daughter apparently does have some self-image problems at the moment and they want to begin counseling her regularly, but it doesn't appear that she has any real eating disorder. The doctor commented to my wife that we were lucky...we apparently caught the issue at such an early stage that he didn't think that any real harm would come of it. He said that most parents don't find out about these kinds of problems until they have progressed quite a bit further, and by then the psychological problems are usually well entrenched and take years of therapy to work out. As it stands, he seems to think that we can get this worked out fairly easily.

Whew!

Thanks to all that replied, I think I just needed to vent some of my panic somewhere, and this board gave me a place to do it and get some constructive feedback. I really do appreciate the viewpoints of others who have been through this.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

5. Rock on!

I'm so proud of you!

Get her healthy. The best thing YOU can do to keep her healthy is plenty of quality time and hugs. This is not a particularly feminist notion, but it's true: kids, and it seems, especially girls, needs lots and lots of physical affection. (Boys seem to get the physical "thing" more through rough-and-tumble type play.)

Keep hugging her. Even when she starts developing. Keep hugging her. Daily. Several times a day.

She'll get it from you, or she'll get it from some 16 year old sack of hormones. And if the sack of hormones is a prick, he may make a comment on her weight and start the whole thing over again. x(


Good on you, dad! Good job! :hug:

[DemExpat]

6. Excellent news!

And I second the tip to keep on hugging your growing daughter!

:hug:

DemEx

[Droopy]

8. Excellent

I wish all the best for you and your daughter. I'm glad it looks like the problem will be sorted out fairly quickly. You did the right thing and your daughter will appreciate you for it. You're a great parent. Keep up the good work.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. go to a therapist yourself as you too will need help getting through this

and take her to one too.

sorry.