I could use some help

[windy252]

Lately, I have had feeling of extreme loneliness and thinking "What's the point?". It kind of faded yesterday, but I suspect it's going to return. I've just felt that everyone I know in real life except me has a found a significant other. What can I do?

[windy252]

1. Anyone? n/t

[Random_Australian]

2. We take a while.

We all have different advice we can offer, but it takes time. You'll get used to it....

Try just getting to know some of the Lounge folks in the meantime; it can be really nice in there, which I always find a little relaxing.

More later. I'm thinking that it would help to look at the little things in life, (and some nature seems to work pretty well, my little garden is enough to bring a smile to my face at times), but it is still just my sort of 'first thoughts' on the issue.

Edit: Loneliness is a difficult one, it is very deep within the old, primal part of the brain.

(Also note, we have different styles, I take the more scientific route of literal cause and effect, some take a more spiritual route, and I think that Buffy tries to comprehend fairly completely who she's talking to and works from there.)

[windy252]

3. Thanks for responding n/t

[windy252]

4. It's back again n/t

[mrgorth]

11. You should not need anyone

It sounds like you're dealing with some emptiness. Try meditiation.

[Kire]

5. I haven't had a significant other in 11 years.

That pretty much coincides with my first diagnosis. I get really lonely at times. I'm not going to pretend I have a solution. All I can really do is offer a hug: :hug:

[Random_Australian]

6. I'm not a healer, my logical approach is just my attempt to help

alleviate symptoms, and that is all. Nothing I can offer you can directly impact loneliness, but I'll try to give some advice for staying afloat. The following two are easier said than done, but even the attempt is enough to rouse yourself at times:

1) Don't live by routine, or suddenly change your routine around now.
For food:
A) If your food doesn't taste good, you aren't hungry enough (Note: While you are still not properly depressed, when you get clinical depression, it changes that too, so please check the tests at http://www.beyondblue.org.au), so just changing what types and how much food you are having is good; plenty of vegetables, and just don't buy much sugary/very fatty stuff. However may I point out that this and indeed the other things I'll talk about are useful only in alleviating some of the symptoms, and against loneliness they cannot hold forever.

B) Times! It's very easy right now to slip into the habit of sleeping till late, having a late breakfast, skipping lunch, snacking on junk, all that stuff. And then from snacking you may not be hungry enough, which causes the problems above. Try to get up pretty early-ish, but at least 1/2 an hour after first light.

For sleep:
A) Insomnia, yeah its a bitch, and the worst thing you can do is stress about it when you have it. There is a lot of info out there about it, I'll not post it, as it may count as medical advice.

B) Important tip on waking up: Do so at least 1/2 an hour after first light, and you'll want natural light in your room when you wake up, and a fair bit of it. That's the old circadian rythms that are reset by the light that gets through your eyelids.

2) Try and notice the little things in life! A main problem is that you can get so distracted and frustrated you'll see only the negative. Personally, I grew a little garden, if you take the time every day to carefully do something not for you, like care for some plants, it is just so useful to keep your mind off things. It may be hard in the city though. Also, I'd deliberately choose plants that are very, very easy to grow. You get the same sense of accomplishment unless you are an experienced gardener anyway. It is just something you don't get to do when lonely, just sit there and devote time to helping someone else without expectations in return, like work.

O.K, that about wraps it up. These are just for taking care of the symptoms, I can do nothing for the deep loneliness, but hopefully hold it at bay long enough that you'll find someone.... keep interacting, my friend. Keep looking. If all else fails, ask the spiritual peoples of the group, but remember.

You are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

Have a hug too! :hug:

If you take the tests at beyond blue and are told you are depressed, or for any other reason you believe you are, please seek medical help.

One last thing: If you ever find yourself contemplating suicide, that equals "f*ck every thing else get help pronto" O.K.?

Best of luck,

R_A.

[Random_Australian]

7. Also note: You may not yet have many of the symptoms;

this is more of a 'how to' if it starts going that way.

[DemExpat]

8. I would say that the only way to increase your chances of meeting

someone "significant" is to join social activities where there are like-minded people involved.

I have met the coolest people out walking their dogs in the parks/beaches near my home - and a couple of them are now good friends.

If you feel you are going into depression then I would advise seeing your doctor for referral to a therapist/counsellor for some support here.

:hug:

DemEx

[politicat]

9. Try doing something different.

Being stuck in a rut leads to feelings of impotence, and in someone predisposed to depression, it can exacerbate the symptoms. I knew I needed to make some new friends and do different things when I redecorated my house for the third year in a row and painted the same walls for the fourth time.

I work from home, have a rather solitary job to begin with (I write for a living) and I'm not especially fond of the Mommie and Me groups that are the core of the day-time activities in my town - not being a Mommie myself. Which all meant that I sit at home, stare at the walls and think about how they'd look in purple. Or green. Or blue. Or grey.

When I worked for a corporation, I found that I did a lot of "same thing we do every day, Pinky"s... Get up, go to work, come home, eat something, play a game, go for a walk, go to bed. Repeat four times, take two days off, repeat five times.

So... join a club - something that requires verbal interaction. If you drink, go to your local Drinking Liberally. Do you game? Find a game store, put up a card and be willing to play a cleric - EVERY campaign needs a cleric. Does your county Dem party have a Women's/GLBT/African-American/Hispanic/whatever category you identify yourself as/interest group? Join it. Is there something else you like to do or used to like to do? Find a group of people who are interested in the same activity and do it.

Yeah, you say you feel too tired after work. Suck it up. You may feel tired because you're bored and lonely, and tired is a more socially acceptable feeling than either boredom or loneliness.

Make a jello salad and go to a club meeting. Do something different.

And Sig others? You're more likely to find someone you want to share the next few months, years or decades with if you're active and involved in your world than behind the sofa or in the chair cushions. Significant others don't come out of the woodwork.

And know that you're not alone. We like you here! (And yes, this is a slow group. We think a lot.)

[Pharaoh]

10. You will make it windy!

I too have been feeling quite lonely lately,

as are many others I know, it is not so much you as the fact that our society and planet is severely fucked up. But always remember life is ever changing and this too shall pass. I was actually weeping the other day over the fact that my 12 year old dog may die this year, it will be a difficult event, .......................

just keep hope alive, I promise you, there really is meaning and reason for you being here.

Have you read "The Power of Now" by Eckhardt Tolle?

I recomend you buy it or go to the library and get it..........

Peace! :hippie:

[zanne]

12. Have you seen the wedding announcements in your paper?

Everytime I see the wedding announcements (the ones with pictures), I think "There really IS someone for everybody". I know that sounds a little shallow, but when I see a picture of a 300 lb. woman with a good looking guy, I just KNOW there's hope for everybody. And I think it goes for different personality types, too. It'll happen for you when you're not looking for it. God bless.

[Lorien]

13. There's nothing wrong with being single for the rest of ones life

one can be just as lonely with someone (the wrong someone) as without. There isn't someone for everyone, either; women outnumber men by a fair amount, and gay men outnumber gay women by a wide margin-so there's a better chance of finding love if you're a man than if you're a woman.

I've been single for 20 years. I was engaged when I was very young to an abusive man, and that made me realize that having a significant other simply isn't what it's been cracked up to be. I've dated a bit since then, but I'll never marry. Good friends, a few pets-that seems like enough. The blissful notion of a perfect soulmate for all of us is a lovely but impractical fantasy. And I tried the "not looking" tactic for 15 years and found...nothing.

Be happy with you're own company. It's not easy, but it's the best place to start when seeking a little inner peace.

[zanne]

14. You have a point, Lorien.

Being single is definitely better than being in an abusive or unhappy relationship.

[Deja Q]

15. I never had a significant other... And I am soon to be 34.

A few flings and I consider myself lucky for those, even though they were cheap and empty.

I wish I could tell you.

But you are not alone.


But if I haven't killed myself (and trust me, I nearly did on Sunday), you won't either.

:hug:

[Digit]

25. My dear Hypnotoad

Your SO is out there. Get out of the house...take some classes just for fun, like Learning Annex if they have that in your area.
Just get out of your cave, so you can socialize and get out of your head.

You are an awesome guy...I have read many of your posts.
There is someone out there just waiting for you.
Mingle!
I say this with love and caring.

[mdmc]

16. I don't know what you can do, but I could have written this

cause it is very similar to how I am feeling. Eat right and exercise :eyes: (rolling eyes, cause it is obvious, yet I can't do it).

[Random_Australian]

17. Ok, I will offer what advice I can, but I am not that good.

(Mainly because I am not entirely sure what is bieng said)

A) If you are referring to the diet stuff upthread, that was not about a healthy diet, just making sure you are not bored with food.

B) Body image problems - it appears to me that it is much more difficult to get closer to the fitness we would like if we are in fact unhappy with the way we are, just from me thinking about cortisol and poking my nose into all the science I can find. In other words, the best thing for getting into shape is to first accept (Literally: Not stress about) your body image; realise all the advertising shite that changes our perception of normal boyd; don't even think about listening to those who say it is all about self control :grr: :mad:. Fools all. Anyway, unfortuntely, bieng the sciency bastard I have no idea how you can actually learn to accept your shape; ask people more experienced in that area.

Finally, Just remember, who you are (in terms of what you can and can't do) changes - working on that instead of what you think you ought to be able to do is possibly a good idea.

Cheers,
R_A.

[mdmc]

18. good advice RA

sadly, I was drunk when i posted, and am drunk now. I hadn't read down the thread yet...

cheers,
mdmc

[bling bling]

19. It kind of depends on your situation.

Your age, whether or not you have kids, etc. I don't know what your life experiences are.

I will assume you're relatively young and do not have children. I will also assume you have some time one day a week to spare. Based on those assumptions, I would *highly* recommend that you RUN, not walk, to a children's home and be matched up with a child who is lonely and craving attention from an adult. Or an organization like Parents Anonymous will find a child for you that lives in a group home and desperately desires one-on-one companionship.

I can 100% promise you that there is a child out there who would love to go to a park, a ballgame, a picnic, the zoo, whatever. You will most likely not wonder what the point is anymore when you see how much impact you have on another human by simply offering them your presence.

I know you're talking about lonliness in regard to a signficant other. But this is what I did when I once felt that way and it was the most rewarding experience in my life at the time. Having a signficant other didn't seem so important anymore because I felt fulfilled.

And anyway I think you're more likely to meet a significant other when you're feeling fulfilled without one. If you desire a stable, healthy, happy relationship, then an SO should be a *bonus* to your already fulfilled life -- not something to fill a void.

I really hope you'll try my advice. For your sake and for the sake of someone who would really benefit from your friendship.

[BigMama50]

20. Oh, those days are rough

I looked at your profile but you have it disabled, so I don't know if you are male or female. I know that life circumstances can bring us down (like the SO thing) but I remember feeling this way in relation to PMS. I would wake up and just kind of think "what's the use in living?" and sure enough, I'd get my period the next day. It was a different kind of thought process than my usual low grade depression.

Big Mama

[varkam]

21. Welcome to DU!

:toast:

[mdmc]

22. welcome to DU!

thanks for checkin in here. :)

[NMMNG]

24. Welcome to DU

Glad to have you aboard! :hi:

[mdmc]

23. there is also a DU loner's group

I find it refreshing to check in there when I feel lonely. The irony of a loners 'group' is alone worth it.