I'm getting divorced.

[Blue_Roses]

My spouse, who some of you may know is ADHD, said tonight that he wanted to divorce. It's not that it's a big surprise considering how much I have bitched about him on this forum, but to hear him say that he wanted this did take me back.

His reasoning (he was drunk after partying with some friends) was that we fight too much and that it is best for us and the kids. Well, no kidding. I've been saying that for some time now.

My heart hurts and my contacts are foggy from crying, but there is a peace about this. I worry about my kids. He and I talked all night tonight and he said we may actually get along alot better once we are apart:wtf: I said well, "it will be only business then, child support,etc. Nothing else." He didn't like this. He doesn't even want to use the court system. When I told him I would get a divorce lawyer to get it in writing he said, "why"...

It's time for me to get off of this merry-go-round. :cry:

[Random_Australian]

1. Cry then, cry then, have and take this hug;

:hug:

Who knows what tomorrow brings? Perhaps, in time, this will turn out ok, but for now, cry now, cry now.






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Careful with the legal stuff. It is unfortunatley very necessary over here, but at this range I can offer little advice.

Best if luck.

R_A.

[Blue_Roses]

4. thanks R_A

I appreciate your support. I know there will be a few more tears before this thing is over, so I'm gonna stock up on contacts. :)

[DemExpat]

2. So sorry to hear about your pain here, Blue_Roses....

If it were me I think I would push on by getting a divorce lawyer - if divorce is inevitable then you must protect yourself and the kids - and if not, the scare of splitting up formally might get him to face himself and get better help if he can't do it on his own strength.

So painful, I think even good relationships are hard to maintain, let alone those burdened with mental health problems.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[Blue_Roses]

3. thank-you DemEx

He passed out on the couch Saturday night and Sunday morning he crawled in bed, hungover, saying he didn't want to divorce.:eyes: He said he loves me and the kids dearly and would be lost. I was very nice and patient, but I told him that I thought it best that we do seperate soon so we can think this our rationally, so at the end of the month he's heading to Texas and I'm heading to Maine--hopefully for good.

This situation will never get better until he deals with his demons from childhood and his drinking problem. It's hurts so bad to see someone self-destruct and not be able to do anything about it, but I have got to remove my kids from this situation. It's too toxic.

I'm so thankful for the support you and others have shown me during this time. I've always been one who likes to solve a problem and then move on, but this feels like I'm on a never-ending rollercoaster ride.:crazy:

:hug:

[shrike]

5. Has your husband received any treatment or therapy for ADHD?

I have it myself, and it's a hell of a problem. I've managed to get through it without drugs and alcohol, but I'm one of the lucky ones.

That said, it sounds like you have to think of yourself and your kids for a while; separation may be a way for you to cool off and think this through. And maybe it'll light a fire under him to get some help, if he hasn't already.

[Blue_Roses]

6. well, he has been on and off medication

but he never stays on one long enough to let it work. It's so frustrating.
:crazy:

[shrike]

8. That's a shame

There's a limit to what you can do, and you have no control over this actions -- I'm sure you know this.

Like I said in my original post, it looks like time to focus on you and the children.

[mrgorth]

7. Feel free to join us

over on the divorce support group.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=301

[TrogL]

9. You don't necessarily need a lawyer for an amicable divorce

Still might be a good idea to protect yourself and keep him organized.

[Tab]

10. Having been there, done that...

I would say it will definitely get better. The stress will be off, and you may get along better as friends than as a couple. It will definitely be far better for the kids to be in a stable environment with one parent than a dysfunctional environment with two parents.

As for a divorce lawyer? I'd say yes - we did our own divorce, but being well-meaning we stupidly wrote some things into the resolution that have come back to create problems. You can hire a divorce lawyer for a few hundred bucks to review the terms and make sure they seem equally amicable and to look for problems that may haunt you later. You can engage a divorce lawyer easily and affordably if you're generally agreed on the terms, and they can make sure that you're both taken care of without committing to some mega-thousand-dollar custody or property battle. Or just get one on your own to review the terms. It need not be confrontational, but having been there and done that, I wish I had sprung a few dollars I didn't think I have as it would have saved a lot of trouble on the other end.

On edit: I don't know where you live, but invariably you will have to "use" the court system, if only to approve your agreement. Since kids are involved, there may be mandatory programs that you have to attend, like "child impact seminars". If you agree not to litigate, but just agree on terms, you can write them up, pay a lawyer some money to review them, and submit them yourselves. But one way or another you will go through the courts, the only difference is whether you are going in an adversarial fashion, or an amicable fashion.

Intermediate alternatives (for those who can't agree on, say, property division, or child visitation) are arbitration / mediation - not as stressful as the courts, private, and yet a bit more detached than arguing it out yourself.