Sex abuse survivor, life is tough.

[jessicazi]

I think we should have an abuse survivor's group. Anyone agree? I have been down in the dumps lately, just overwhelmed, feeling inadequate as a person, friend, family member, what have you. I was sexually abused for 10 years and what that has done to me feels so overwhelming, I don't know how I will ever feel "normal." I can barely maintain friendships and I can't trust anyone.

I have this psychological evaluation that was done and it was not only so accurate, but very sad, and still sad...I wonder how I can overcome things to live a better life. The abuse made me stronger as a person, but sometimes I wonder if I was given too much on my plate and while I survived the abuse itself, will I survive the lifetime, or eternities, of side-effects? How can I maintain friendships/relationships when I can't trust anyone, when I feel like such a fucking loser, and when I feel like real love doesn't really exist, or it doesn't exist for me?

[DemExpat]

1. Lots of us here know what you feel, jessica....

and struggle with these feelings in our lives.

May I give 3 thoughts on this from my perspective and experience?

1) Find a great counsellor/therapist/support group

2) I believe the scars remain all our lives, and they hurt to varying degrees in different periods of our lives, but learning about love in my life began when I learned to love myself and others - so I didn't start out being open to or trusting others' love for me, I started giving it first.

3) Good books on healing helped me greatly - like having a good friend or mentor on my bedside table.

It helped that I have never had a problem loving animals (and receiving their love), and when I had my first child this was a life-changing moment for me as I made the switch from focusing on myself to focusing on another life's needs. For many people having a child when feeling so battered and worthless is a disaster scenario, but for me it helped me mobilize my energies and love to start letting it flow despite the past!

Everybody needs to find their own way to healing - this was mine (certainly no one fits all in these issues) - and perhaps something in my experience will help you find yours.

:hug:

DemEx

[jessicazi]

2. Wow, thank you so much for your kind words.

I feel I am able to love, having pets helped me immensely with that, but I have trouble letting others love me.

I am on summer break from school, but when school starts in August, I am going to try counseling up there, because it is free. I hope to also have insurance then and maybe start some medication, though I have some buspar I could take. I think there is a sex abuse survivors group that meets here in town, perhaps I should look into that further.

Thank you for the suggestions and the post, it was so nice to read something from someone else who understands.

[DemExpat]

3. Yes, definitely take advantage of the counseling and check out

the abuse survivors group. They may offer you all that you need to get your life going in a better direction.

I know what you mean about not being able to accept love while being able to give.....I feel very fortunate that I have a few loving friends, a close sister, and my 2 kids who I trust enough to receive from.....and of course my Jack Russell Terrier.....:loveya:

:hug:

DemEx

[Pharaoh]

4. try the buspar

that might help, it caused high blood pressure in me but it really improved my mood, I wish I could still take it cause it worked great, I have difficulty letting people close also, as I have been hurt badly in the past, one just needs to sort through those feelings and press on, life is a forward motion, live your life "now" and not in the past........Peace dear, I am confident you will do fine as you have a fighting spirit , heh?

[mdmc]

5. thanks for posting jess...

I've worked with at risk kids, and some of them have been raped. One of the girls asked me pretty much the same question that you are askin (how can I live with all this baggage?). I didn't have an answer for her, and I don't have an answer for you.

There are all the stand bys that I often resort to when asked... eating right, exercising, journaling... counseling... There is a way, and finding it is your mission.

Your in my thoughts. That is the best that I can do for you. Peace and low stress:patriot:

[jessicazi]

6. Thank you everyone.

I feel as if the clouds are starting to break...I will be starting lexapro soon, hoping it will also help. August I will start counseling.

The only thing that has helped me is taking things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, one minute, one second...

Looking at all of the baggage at once is too overwhelming, and so I guess you deal with each thing as it arises and just try to focus on your blessings. There are better days ahead.

Thank you all again, your words have given me a great peace in my heart and for that I am eternally grateful.

[mdmc]

7. I have found DU to be a great place of comfort

Great, supportive people here...

One thing that has helped me with my depression is the study of Karma. The whole law of cosmic cause and effect is much too vast to try to post here, but I think that there is great power in the assignment of value (assigning suffering some sort of value... I can't explain it).

There were some jews in nazi concentration camps that helped the nazi's to run the camps (they would move dead bodies, herd people to the showers.. etc). They were able to survive the horror of it all by assigning value to their own survival.

[undergroundpanther]

8. I know what you mean

I think a sexual abuse survivor group would be a great idea,
The abuse I went through has messed me up forever it seems. Sometimes I feel pretty hopeless.

[jessicazi]

9. Or even just a blanket group for

all abuse survivors...

[BigMama50]

10. Jess, the one

amazing and awful thing I have learned about abuse (as a teacher) is how common it is. And how common it has been for centuries. Actually now, in our culture, we are at least making progress in eliminating it. So many people have survived, prevailed and thrived once they found what works for them. I am fortunate to not have experienced abuse, but I have dozens of friends from years of online support groups who have and who are doing well.

[varkam]

11. I know what you mean.

I am a survivor. That, of course, doesn't make it any easier to deal with some days. My experience wasn't anywhere near the magnitude of your own, but I can relate to some of the things that you're saying. Sometimes I wonder just how much it has effected me. I mean, are some of these things (i.e. finding it hard to trust others) just part of my personality, or have they just been with me for so long I feel like they are part of my personality.

After several failed relationships, I realized that it wasn't just that I was picking the wrong women. Something was up with me. That's what I started to talk about it. To family. To friends. And to my current girlfriend. At first I thought that, being a guy and all, admitting sexual abuse (or even having sexual abuse in my history) was simply embarrassing and not painful. When I started talking about it, I found it was, indeed, painful. However the experience, for me anyway, was wholly cathartic. I realize now a lot of the things I thought were bits and pieces of who I was are actually leftovers from CSA.

But perhaps the biggest thing for me was this: It was not my fault. I was a child and I knew no better. You've probably already come to that realization, but it's an important one.

I wish you well.