thinking of checking in the hospital

[undergroundpanther]

I'm thinking of checking in to the psych unit out here.

Several reasons.

The night before last my partner and I went out at night to get food,and we hit a deer. It thudded and flew,I said WTF fuck did we hit! He said I think we hit a deer. He pulled to the side of the road. Traffic was halted.It was a two lane highway. My first instinct was to get out of the car and see if anyone else was hurt I saw all the cars were stopped in the rearveiw mirror,I wanted to go look and see if the deer was killed or if it ran and I wanted check our car for damage.I think that's a normal reaction right?

My partner was demanding I stay in the car, he was being a jerk he has this thing in his head like I am some incompetent,but it is projection or some control game of his.It is really sick..He knows I lived around EMT's and I was certified in CPR and used it several times.. But he just does not want to trust I know how to handle something he can't handle, even though I have issues I can handle things he refuses to. To force me to stay in the car,He started pulling back on the road before I could get out.

I was wondering if anyone else was hurt but that never occurred to him as a possibility .He is so self centered..I called the police on my cell phone as we drove tword a nearby gas station,as he was too busy controlling me to call himself. I was telling him to pull in, to stop the damn car.I had no clue if our car was messed up or if anyone else was hurt by a flying deer hitting their car.

He has no clue how bad this accident might have been,and I felt a bit responsible because what if the flying deer hit someone else's windshield.Neither he nor I was hurt,but others might have been. He was busy running away from the scene. We pulled in at the gas station, I told the cops where the deer got hit. I double checked the location with my partner,who was busy beating himself up playing martyr..as the cops asked me if our car was damaged,so I got out to look as he sat there.. There was a chunk of flesh the size of my fist wedged in where the headlight was busted in.. blood & hair,on the impact point..Otherwise looked like the car was ok.

Seeing the chunk hanging there I just started crying.I handed the phone to my partner who finally got out because the cop couldn't understand what I was saying at that point.I leaned against the car crying,than feeling weird crying in a gas station with all the pumps and people pulling in and out, I went to a small tree off to the side alone and leaned against the trunk. My partner apparently pulled the chunk of flesh out while I was crying by the tree.He wanted to hurry home. I just wanted someone to hold me and help me ground. He couldn't do that.He was more concerned about beating himself up.This crystallized something for me..about how incompatible we are and how intolerable this relationship has become for me..

I am having bad flash backs of when I got hit by a car myself..I was hit crossing the street by a hurried cab with an oblivious self absorbed driver, myself a few years ago and I flew somewhere off to the side and hit the curb,just like that deer we hit flew somewhere. ..That impact is what caused the bone spurs in my throat I had posted about before here and what I feared I would need a tricky dangerous operation for and why I have been going to these doctors.

That accident also caused horrid cysts in my thigh,that makes my leg go numb and it looks bad too so I don't wear shorts except for the hottest days of the year when I have to.It was a bad accident I even had to relearn how to walk.

My partner is acting as if he's oblivious to all this,He is very self absorbed ,his preoccupations has gotten unbearable. They used to not be this bad.This incident put this into stark relief and I cannot keep this charade of a relationship going.I feel he does not relate to me as a person or an equal anymore,he is emotionally unavailable and when he tries to be emotionally there it is forced and I can tell it is ,and he is not affectionate .Since my mom left he has been in his own world and ..He blows me off. There is NO good time to talk to him about what I need.Most of my days are spent here alone even though another person is in the room.And it is getting pointless.I have tried to draw him out and it does not work. I tried to say to myself OK let him live in his head I'll do what I do, nope he don't like that either.
He wants his cake and to eat it too.


What is so messed up is he knows I was hit by a car before I met him. He was sympathetic when I first went out with him and I was a new toy,and not a burden(that how he treats me now and his patronizing crap is just sickening)Once he cared about me and showed it showed interest in my well being,in my world ,he used to hold my hand crossing roads so I wouldn't freeze if I looked at oncoming cars.He gave me the idea "stare the cars down like a bull"..and I gradually learned to do that and could cross streets again.The person he is now is different and I can't stand him anymore.It isn't what he assumes I have a problem with him as he lectures me about himself, it's how he behaves twords me that's the problem and he is oblivious he has a hand in causing this.He wants to believe it's all my issue.And he is unwilling to become aware of his part. He's too defensive to talk to.

He has seen me freak out before and get a panic attack sometimes when we cross intersections and I see car headlights out off the corner off my eyes certain ways. I pull myself together quickly when it happens ..because I have to.

I think our relationship has been dying for a long time.

I need to make some changes for my own sanity .I need to find a way to get more income without getting my therapy cut out. That horrible dilemma everyone on disability has that the state puts us into,I am hemmed by that old wall and it hurts more than ever right now.I need to find a way out of this bad relationship before it kills my soul.
I am really stressed out.I just needed to express this before I lost it. I will call my therapist tomorrow.I HATE weekends,sometimes.. There isn't much support or affection in my regular life anyways,as my partner seems to have objections,(or falls in love with my friends because he's bi and for years I had to deal with that crap and it was really awkward and bad..) with every friend I make so I don't have many friends anymore.He doesn't make his own friends.

I'm having nightmares when I sleep .On top of that I got to get used to a cpap machine and I'm having a hard time with it because it is a mask over my face and it relates directly to sexual traumas I deal with. I got the worst eczema outbreak I have ever had in my life on my hand,the cutivate(steroid cream) didn't even slow it down when it was starting to act up, now my hand looks like crap its hurting and oozing.
I got 3 cats .They are the most emotionally supportive friends I got right now.

The flashbacks are disturbing ,my skin is freaking out..it's tortuous itching all night and 12.5 mgs. of ambien didn't even knock me out Friday night ,Nor did 3 benaydrl last night (I wondered if the itch was allergic but obviously it is not)So I'll try the ambien tonight again...I fall asleep later than I ever have before I got up at 3 pm today this is getting insane. He was laying in his bed,he would lay there all day if I didn't say something.I don't want to eat,I forget to eat and I find myself about to keel over in hunger than I realize I got to eat. The house is full of what my partner likes to eat because I am weary of arguing over money when I want to get something I like that he doesn't like.And that has got to stop.

I type on here because where else can I at least until monday? So what do I do next.How do I deal with this trauma reaction. I dunno if I can handle it all by myself. I can't count on my partner anymore.That is why I want to go to the hospital.I need help and there is nowhere for me to turn.
I wish so bad I could sleep.Rest and not feel this way.I wish I had someone to share the load,someone who would just hold me and not treat me like an asshole for being emotional. I am not a vulcan, but it seems he wants me to be one as in HOW DARE I have emotions,he's the only one with the right to have emotions.. That how it the unspoken (sometimes spoken in the most patronizing way)messages he sends me feels like to me ,when I get emotional around him.And I hate it.
When I get emotional,or my problems act up he pulls the sanity card on me,never mind he is disabled and has his problems too. Hypocrite.

Right now he's at his parents house. He wanted me to go put on a happy face and do the dance regardless of how I feel now regardless of two nights with no sleep and the flashbacks and skin outbreaks. .I will be going to support his father when he gets surgery soon, never mind my triggers concerning my past,they don't matter..but what I agreed to do for them already is not enough it seems..May partner asked me to go a pre operation dinner and talk and talk, about his father;s situation which I have been talking about since before August My partner seems to think I must push my trauma reactions down suppress it,put on a happy face go to a party shut up and support his father,(the cancer threat is over now he is better this surgery is to remove the colostomy and it is less dangerous than the others.) I have to snap to regardless of my problems and the stress and the fact this relationship is killing me. .I feel like a second class family in this relationship. I have felt this way about this issue for a LONG time,way before my partners father had any operations or problems.

His parents are nice people.They are not the problem,My partner is the problem.I can't discuss any of this with my partner when I tried before many years ,many times.. It's impossible,it's just too hard to talk to him too many defenses. And they are all still there. There is NO good time to bring this up apparently.It's all been brought to a head now.And timing for realizations about longstanding issues do not always occur when it is convenient for my partner or convenient for his family. He just doesn't GET that. No he takes it all personally and acts like I have problems on purpose and pick the time just to upset him.
God damn can you get any more narcissistic??!!

Frankly I'm disgusted he even asked me to go to a dinner party when I am thinking of admitting myself to the psych ward from stress reactions caused by the car accident two days ago. It seems to me if he really had the empathy he brags he has and directed to me,he would be here with me,so I could be there tuesday with my head on when the actual operation takes place on his father.I am so disgusted I could scream.

I am alone now. I feel free..And funny it feels less lonely here when he's gone.

Hey,at least my hair isn't falling out in clumps.It has done this before from stress.Let's hope THAT doesn't start.It's bad enough having a hand that looks like a horror movie.I am going to order some food delivery. I want to eat something I like.

[varkam]

1. I'm very sorry

to hear about everything that's been going on in your life recently and all the stress it's been causing you. I find that when I am in situations that are causing me a great deal of stress, I am more prone to do things that tend to make it worse (whether on purpose or not). That's especially true when I'm not getting the sleep I need. One thing I would recommend is to try to do the things that are necessary for you to be able to deal with everything effectively (e.g. put a high priority on getting rest). I know that can be very hard to do with everything else that is going on, but it'll just be harder to deal with until you do. As a side note about the CPAP, I seem to recall you're using a full face mask. If you want to, there are other masks that are less invasive that you can use (such as masks that just cover the nose to masks that are a lot like thick oxygen tubing that just go in your nostrils) and that might make it easier for you to adjust.

Also, when I'm stressed what helps me is to sit down and think about everything that's bothering me. While I do that, I also think about what I can control and what I cannot control. Let's take your partner for example. He is going to act how he is going to act. You can try talking to him (have you told him everything that you're feeling right now?), you can try pleading with him, but ultimately he decides what he is going to do. There's nothing you can do about that. Likewise, nightmares and flashbacks you are having are beyond your control as well (it's not as though you are consciously choosing to have them) though there are things you can do to reduce them or eliminate them altogether.

It does sound like a lot of your stress is stemming from your relationship. I know that relationships can be very difficult at times (I think I'm about to get castrated if I don't start the vacuuming here pretty soon), and sometimes it's worth sticking it out. Sometimes it's not. I can't tell you what is right in your situation, but I can tell you that it sounds like something needs to give; either by talking to him and patching things up or getting out of the relationship altogether.

I think that if you can start to manage the stress you are experiencing, you will find that everything else will either fall into place (such as your skin issues) or become much more manageable in and of themselves (such as dealing with CPAP).

I hope some of that helped.

[undergroundpanther]

2. thanks VArkham

As a side note about the CPAP, I seem to recall you're using a full face mask. If you want to, there are other masks that are less invasive that you can use (such as masks that just cover the nose to masks that are a lot like thick oxygen tubing that just go in your nostrils) and that might make it easier for you to adjust.

I wish I could try that one..But rthe guy who came to set up my machine told me my insurance(medical assistance) won't pay for another mask for 6 months. I got 5 to go. Sigh.
I found out about the nose one I think it would be better I have slept with fronds of kleenex in my nostrils when I had the flu and my nose was really raw. So I think I might be able to handle nasal pillows. I just wish.I'll get it in 5 months..

[varkam]

3. Talk to the lab who did your study

They might be able to help

[EFerrari]

4. . . .

:hug:

:cry:

:hug:

[mdmc]

5. I don't got the words

but I'll post anyway.

If you went to the hospital would you be able to surf the net and post at DU? What would you do with your cats?
:hug:

[hedgehog]

6. I can't give you any advice in this, I don't have the training or experien

but I do send my prayers and best wishes.

[DemExpat]

7. I also offer you my support , UGP.....

and a listening ear here.

:hug:

DemEx

[NMMNG]

8. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through

It sounds like you have a "moment of truth" situation in your relationship. It may be time to sit down with your partner and make it clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable because it is hurting you, and that if the relationship is to continue changes will need to be made. If you need to have a written list of concerns to discuss when you talk to him then do so--this can be helpful if you find it hard to remember things when you get upset.

In the meantime don't hesitate to take some time away if that's what you need. Don't feel like you are being selfish because you are attending to your mental and physical health. You can't do anything for anybody if you are unhealthy and unhappy.

Take care. :hug;

[Kire]

10. He's narcissistic.

There is no "sitting down" about it. Panther needs to get the fuck out, now.

[ThingsGottaChange]

9. I can tell you one thing...

You can't take care of yourself if you have to constantly worry about someone else. I'm finding that out right now. The ups and downs of a relationship that isn't working well will totally wear you down and stress you out. I think you finally had your "lightbulb moment". You need to do what is best for YOU!!!!!!!

I wish you all the best :hug: