I am paralyzed.

[Kire]

I can't stop thinking about the horrific things I've done in my life. Total shame has taken over my life. I can't even go out to find a job. I'm on SSD for a "mental illness", and my medications seem to be working so I can get a part time job that pays less than $750 a month if I want. But I avoid contact with anybody and everybody.

I have no family here. I have no friends. I have no life, and I'm scared. I can't travel because I can't leave my cat. I can't move closer to my family because they are so disfunctional, I would kill myself. At least the ones I know. I don't know anybody left on my father's side of the family. I'm starting to regret even posting this here. DU has been a constant daily presence for years now. I can't tell if it's keeping me sane, or distracting me from what I shoud "really be doing" (whatever the hell that is).

I stay awake all night. Sometimes for 24 hours or more. I believe I am incabable of keeping a schedule. I was so sad this week when my brother, who was visiting, fell asleep at 11 o'clock at night when I knew I was going to be up until 4 am at the earliest. I'm glad he visited, but he has no interest in staying here, and I have no interest in going where he lives. I took him to see the Memorial Garden where our Dad is for the first time. I got so upset the night before. It wasn't bad that day. I was expecting to force him to drive home. I told that I "fucked up my life" and he said that I have it so much better than most people throught out the world. Great. But I'm here, not out in the world. WTF?

Anyway, I've stopped thinking of things to write. It would be a miracle if I used that Post Message button. Not really, but it would comfort me if you had some kind words. Thank you.

Cross posted at Loners Group.

[Kire]

1. Well

That was my pity party. I feel better now. Feel free to ignore.

[Random_Australian]

2. No, we won't ignore you. My favourite favourite quote?

"You are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy"

It isn't what you have not done, but more about what you will do now; though, most of us never have great lives, are never movers or shakers, never rich, never ahead of the crowd..... but who cares? That stuff isn't important. What is important? You are. And as for sleep, there are always new tricks as yet untried, there is always another way, and if no-one has the answer to something you want, if you want regular sleep, then you can make your own.

Or you could not, it doesn't matter if you don't want it too, but I know that you can still enjoy some of your life, though never carefree, always worth living.

I don't make a lot of sense, but I mean what I say.

:hug:

[Kire]

6. Thanks

you make a lot of sense

I knew someone was going to use that smilie.

[Random_Australian]

7. Someone always does, it is good. My favourite smilie is this one:

:)
Such a happy little smilie
:)

[Random_Australian]

3. Edit: Dupe.

Good enough to say twice, I suppose! ;)

[NMMNG]

4. Hello Kire

:hi:


Second-guessing, regretting and feeling shame for past events is something that is thrust upon us by parents, religious leaders, teachers, peers, the media and others. They are also incredibly unhealthy for our psychological and emotional health, which can also affect our somatic health. While it's hard to do, try to remember that you cannot change the past no matter what you do or how much you beat yourself up for it. Therefore the best thing to do is to learn from it and go from there. Decide what you want to do with your life now and establish a plan to make what you want happen, even if you must work in small increments.


There are various support programs for people who have mental health needs. Vocational rehabilitation programs can provide training and support to help you get back into the workforce. They can help you adjust to keeping a schedule and finding a job that suits your needs. There are also, if you are interested, peer support groups and drop-in centers where you can just go to hang out with other people who share common interests and concerns.

Here are some links that provide information on services available in your area. Hopefully they will be of some assistance to you.



http://www.umdnj.edu/psyevnts/njWARREN.html

http://www.state.nj.us/labor/dvrs/warren.html

[Kire]

5. Hey wow, you're good.

I'm already waiting for the paperwork to go through at DVR.

When I was having problems last year, I got kicked out of the drop-in center for Warren County. So many people were so hostile to me, that I'm never going back. I also did the "adult Day Care" at the Family Guidance Center, which is the county mental health agency. I see a therapist twice a month, but it doesn't compare to the Psychoanalyst I saw for 7 years before I got sick again. I need the Psychiatrist, but everything else seems futile.

I always wondered what a "Self Help Clearinghouse" did. I see there's an email address. I don't imagine the 800 number works at 3 am, so maybe I'll try that. Hopefully, there will be some other services I haven't worn out. I can't think of what to say, so I'll just copy the OP and tell them I wrote it. That's a start.

You're one to lecture me about shame and regret, though. You're ashamed to tell us what Country you live in. :P

[NMMNG]

8. I work in the system

So I know a bit about it--not only what is available but what I'd avoid when seeking services myself.

My agency provides a variety of residential programs as well as a day program and vocational services. I work in the program for people who have mental illnesses and co-morbid chemical addictions. Some of them go to a nearby drop-in center to hang out or get support and one even works there part time.

I understand your plight with your therapist. It can be difficult to get just the right "fit" with a therapist and once you do if you have to change for any reason it can be very disconcerting. Working to find another therapist with whom you have a good rapport can almost seem like a waste of time and effort. However ultimately it can be of great benefit to make that effort.


I haven't heard of Self Help Clearinghouse before. I'll have to check them out and see what they're all about. I'm always interested in seeing what's available out there. Let me know if you contact them and what they have to say.


You're one to lecture me about shame and regret, though. You're ashamed to tell us what Country you live in.

Yeah, you got me there. But if you lived in GWB country would you be screaming it from the rooftops? :rofl:

[Kire]

10. Ok, now I'm scared.

I forgot to edit out the part about wanting to kill myself. I have a feeling if I show up anywhere they tell me to, there's going to be cops there waiting to cart me off to the hospital again. I don't really want to kill myself, I just think about it all the time. I have no plan. The idea abhors me, but like Bukowski says, "You get so alone sometimes it just makes sense".

[NMMNG]

12. While it's not impossible for them to hospitalize you

It's improbable. With insurance companies the way they are these days it is hard for people who want to be hospitalized to get in unless they are a proven risk to themselves or others. Someone recently asked to go in and was denied because they weren't making "suicidal threats or gestures". If they aren't convinced you have a strong desire and a plan, I don't believe they're going to put you in.

[Kire]

13. I got an email back.

They told me to go to the "Better Future Self Help Center" in the next town. That it is the only place in my area. This is the place I got kicked out of last year. They were so hostile to me. I'm not perfect, and maybe I provoked it, but I was seriously scared for my life by some of the people there. I tried to apologize, but they didn't care. They wanted to make me pay. Nothing was ever good enough to satisfy them. Sound like a good place for me to go?

I went to an NA meeting tonight. I have a lot of friends there, even though I haven't had a sponsor in 7 years and I don't "work the steps". I never trusted a male sponsor, I think because I was sexually abused by a male babysitter when I was 6 years old, and the recovered memories played a big role in my first experience with mental illness 8 and a half years ago. I feel more comfortable talking about stuff in an informal way with women and men. I shared about my predicament at the meeting tonight. I didn't get much of a response, but I went to the diner like I always do after that meeting. I was able to talk one on one with two women. One of them was flirting with me very heavily. :D She got my number and is going to call me tomorrow to remind me there is a meeting just down the road tomorrow night.

It's not perfect (and that's what this is all about, me wanting to be perfect), but it's what I've got.

Thanks for all the support.

[mdmc]

14. Hang in there Bra!

What Bukowski have you read? I just finished Post Office earlier this year, and I loved it. I am currently reading alot of David Sardaris.

I am a big believer in karma, and often associate negative thoughts and feelings with the need to "purge negative karma".

It helps me to think that my feeling bad is somehow productive. In order to get out of this funk, we need to purge the bad feelings that we have.

peace and low stress. give care, take care.

[stepnw1f]

15. You Are Good

Thanks Buffy!

[DemExpat]

9. What I think.....is that in order to change what WE think about our lives

- to create good thoughts and memories - we need to do little things and take little steps to create satisfying activities which give us some fulfillment and later a big erasure for memories of all of the "squandering" of our many qualities that seem to get totally obstructed by our mental health problems.

These are the - little - things that you perhaps "should" be doing with some of your DU and Internet time, Kire....:-)

Anyway, just posting to let you know I hear you and know well what you mean.

I learned from getting myself out of a very deep hole in my late 20s that it really IS the tiny steps taken that get us on the road to a better feeling about our lives and what we are doing with them!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[KyndCulture]

11. Sending lots of love.

I could have written just what you said....

I moved to place far far away from home with the so called love of my life who dumped me last November, I know no one here expect for his family and all my friends are either online or very far away.

It gets to you sometimes, I completely understand that feeling.

The doc is changing my meds and I am going thru heavy withdrawal symptoms right now and that SURE ain't helping!

Just wanted to send you some love and tell you I completely understand your pity party cause I threw the exact same one last night.