oh, god it's all back....

[politicat]

The panic attacks, the flattened affect, the feeling of utter apathy that is not depression because I don't care enough to feel anything. Dysthymia with panic. FAbulous. All at once... I was fine on Monday, and as of today, I'm a wreck. Everything shifted to the negative and it was out of the blue and into the black in a nasty way. Three nights of insomnia so bad that ambien wouldn't touch it, no appetite, no interest in anything.

I have no idea what shifted, but at least I caught it within 72 hours instead of six weeks like last time. There's something to be said for experience. Nothing happened - my world is as it was and nothing's really changed (politics always sucks).

Gods, I hate this. I hate being such a basketcase. I hate this feeling of being out of control and of my brain doing things to my mind and body for no apparent reason. I hate being at the mercy of my enzymatic processes and circadian rhythms. I'm not sad, I have nothing to feel sad about, I'm not angry, I'm not anything, but everything just went sideways.

[Bluerthanblue]

1. i know the feeling.... and

wish i could help-..... try and remember it passes, know that it always has, and always will. Remind yourself, you've come through this before...

I see it something like the waves of contractions in labor- just when you think you will never live through the crush- end - oh it eases.... like the waves breaking on the shore, the water rises and rises and rises, and you are sure you can't live through it, but just at the end of YOU- the top is reached, and you feel yourself starting to gently ride down the other side....

Try and surround yourself with comforting things- soothing music, rythmic motions, a word repeated over and over that keeps you connected with yourself. Put your bare feet on the earth and feel the coolness, remind yourself, you are here, it is now, you are safe, and you WILL get through this... just as you have in the past-...

Anything that has brought you comfort or gives you strenggth?? a friend who will just sit with you, and remind you that it will pass?? I have a stuffed animal, and a quilt- sometimes when it's really bad, I put the old chenille beadspread on my bed and rub my hand over and over the bumps, till it feels numb, and I concentrate on that feeling even for hours-

I've also used (with Dr.'s encouragement) some heavy meds that will assure I sleep, and usually when i wake up, the excruciating feelings are less intense.

It is NOT your fault- you need to ride this out as safely and calmly as possible. Your mind is another organ, and this is sort of like a 'brain attack'- or a severe cramp of the 'emotional' part of you.

Just remember it WILL pass- you will feel ok again.... be gentle and know you are NOT alone-

i wish you comfort and peace-

:hug:

everything will be ok.... hold on.... just keep holding on....

blu

[EFerrari]

2. I haven't been here for a good while and so am not up on

what's going on.

What changed?

And, good for you for catching it in 72 instead of 6 weeks. I really, really hear that.

Beth

[politicat]

3. Nothing changed. That's what's so effed up about the whole thing

Everything's been fine.

Which at least tells me that it's biochemical rather than psychological. Neuroses don't just form overnight for no reason.

(Xanax is my friend this weekend. I see my doc on monday.)