ever wish you were not able to feel?

[undergroundpanther]

I feel that way right now. My throat hurts I am weary of it.I am so tired of everything tasting like crap. Chocolate tastes bad.
Most things I eat are bland or bad.How long until I taste again WTF knows???!!

But beyond that.

I am really depressed scared anxious,fucked up tonight.

First of all my mom came up to help with my throat. She's going home Tuesday. And for me this is sad ,mingled with terror.
My roommate past boyfriend is basically the same as before,I am nothing I don't exist,I am a piece of furniture.

Already there are problems with him.He will be starting school soon. And already he is telling me how I gotta change.. I like having TV upstairs because the furniture in the living room is comfy,and the kitchen is upstairs and if I fix a snack during a show I don't miss half of it when the TV is upstairs.Two things I enjoy are the Daily show,and Colbert,and a few other tv shows.

Downstairs there is a finished basement. It is quiet down there. It was fine for him to sit down there for hours reading and writing,on the web by himself,it was like I wasn't there. He had NO PROBLEM concentrating..than. This was when my mom lived upstairs,it was fine for him to spend hours studying whatever downstairs after she moved out too.. I don't know why he can't go down there,to study,now.. it's still quiet downstairs.

But no,he wants to control the main living space of the house and have me modify how I live around his damn school again,last time he went to school he was a total asshole about noise,he had to have total quiet,and it was miserable for me dancing around his study time which was all the time..Yet he can read a book for hours study latin and write all day with noise around him.So what's the big deal? To me it feels like he is trying to push me downstairs as if he wants to make me disappear and take over the living space of the house for himself...

I put my life in a box for his fucking "career" once before.He took over my apartment with his demands for silence when he studied at computer classes. Yet he has no problem reading for hours with noise he seems to think having to do classwork gives him an entitlement to control me.. Now he's subtly pushing for that same control of the living space again,. He has his own room.Why can't he shut his damn door and deal with the fact other people live here too and make noise! Why can't he go downstairs? I think he can walk upstairs to get to the kitchen. Unlike me,he won't be missing half a show ,he has no reason to occupy the ENTIRE upstairs.

Now he has his own room Why the fuck do I gotta watch TV downstairs for?? This is not HIS house. It belongs to my mom and my mom has said I have seniority here,I am her daughter..and he is an EX boyfriend/roommate living here because of my mom's good graces and my financial situation and his financial situation.

I don't think he relishes the idea of moving back to his parents house... I am on the verge of asking him to leave,Some days it seems tolerable,other days I can't stand him.. If he gets to be an asshole about his study habits,it will tilt this delicate balance and he will be asked to go, he cannot control the main living space his way just because of his choice to go to school.

He needs to learn to handle noise he handles it at any other time he has his nose in a book for hours,.If he can't he needs earplugs.. There are many little instances where he tries to dominate how I live and it has built up a huge well of resentment twords him in me.It is trying my emotional stamina and tolerance of him when he plays this crap.And like usual he is oblivious to how much he makes me sick with his controlling bullshit, and self absorbed demands.


I don't find I relate to him at all anymore. He is not a friendly person to me,or a person I enjoy being around anymore.He is an albatross around my neck in many ways and he has control issues and he is an emotional drain on me and There is so very little positive in this for me I wonder to myself why do I live this way..Whatever relationship we had it is long past dead.And being around him it feels like I am deadening inside and it is not healthy for me..

It feels empty here emotionally,dead and there is nothing for me here that nourishes me. This guy does not build me up, support or give two shits if I live or die except maybe if I was dead, it might mean he has to move out .And this causes resentment because I supported him before .I went way beyond the call of duty when he had his first"career" and I was manipulated into changing how I live for him.He dominated my living space..

When I needed him to support me,I never asked him to change his life,I just wanted encouragement,and maybe practical help, and he sabotaged my dreams. I get an offer to do an art show and he whines about the effort of driving me to the show. Everything that could empower me is just a burden a drag,ho hum..

His moaning and drag ass attitude has sucked my ambition out of me,it just collapsed because I need encouragement,to get feedback and to be told I am doing ok sometimes.I need someone who wants to reciprocate and be engaged with me, and encourage me.. He knows I don't have alot of self esteem and I got alot of fears regarding my art and such. Back when we were in a relationship he would not support me at all concerning anything I wanted to do for my own empowerment.He'd tell me not to try to get work I'll lose SSI,he shot down my ideas too. I did support his attempt at a career before because I sincerely wanted to support him, back than. But things have changed.

Back when I conceded to his demands I was not fully aware of his pattern of sabotaging my attempts at my own empowerment at that time,yet. Now I see the pattern and how it has hurt me and made me dependant. And I am angry. I have put up with his control games and modified my life for his ambitions. But when I had dreams I was not supported in return,he discouraged them and it hurt.Now I am trapped and going crazy.

I admit I resent and regret that I wasted my time and emotions supporting him and his career,changing my lifestyle for his need for silence during study years ago.. Now it appears he wants me to change my living style with the TV for his careers sake again and we are not even lovers anymore. But this time it will be different. I think he can support himself with his career by himself this time,I am not changing anything. I am not discouraging or supporting him and I am not changing how I live either..

He can take responsibility for his limits and study needs like an adult,get off his ass go downstairs to study where he will not be in the center of the main living area,of the house. Or he can get earplugs,shut his bedroom door .I am not bending over back-wards for him no more..He can either realize people who live in a house will make noise and watch tv ,and do it whether he is studying or not .Or he can move in with his Mommy and daddy,and deal with them and the noise they make existing. I know he would not DARE ask his parents to modify how they live like he asks of me.

I think this is all because he does not see me as an equal person to him and his family. I think he has a narcissism problem (I have suspected it for many years)and he is oblivious to how demanding and disrespectful he is to me and I am so very sick of it and his demands on how I live . If I was to modify my life for his careers sake,I get nothing in return really. Nothing nourishing to my soul comes from him anymore, Nothing that makes me feel like it is worthwhile to make such sacrifices will come of this 'compromise'.
So why bother?.

My mom leaves Tuesday,and after that it will be me and him here. And I DREAD it. I dread being stuck here with him alone,it feels like a tomb.He gets on my nerves,trying to dominate and his demanding,crap.It is so lonely and empty and dead here. I don't know how long I can bear this. I wish I had more money. Enough to pay the bills by myself here. Even better I wish I could move out of this isolated boondocks town and move to a place with a good bus system that I could grok,that isn't in a town where I was tortured as a kid for years growing up, on school busses...Where I could get to my therapist,and get around to stores,to the city,or wherever else without him and his car and his resentment..and games.
I wish so bad I was not trapped here. But for SSI,you cannot afford anything much. You have to take what you can get or are given.It is a horrible situation if your situation hurts.And what I got is miserable,and dis-empowering to me, and toxic situation.

Physically alone it appears nice.Emotionally it is crushing me..I don't see a way out of this. Section 8 waiting lists are obscene and because I am not homeless I will be very long time waiting and I will still be forced to be in this Godforsaken county too... Agencies to help don't help hands on. they don't get someone to go to you and help you deal with practical stuff like learning the bus and overcoming triggers in a hands on way. They don't bother with giving you money to pay bills so you can kick out a roommate that slowly strangles your soul. That is not important.These agencies are all talk and phone numbers and referrals,and they don't care,they don't encourage and they do not work with you.. There is no case worker out there that will help me in a hands on way,if I can't drive to their office.I'm not low functioning.So they don't have resources for me. I fall right through the cracks.

Ironically this is because I spent my teen years and young adult years in the psych system. They did not teach me real life things I need to know to survive.No they did BULLSHIT things like"assertiveness training" and "cooking class"and"mock job interviews".. I never got a job because I never learned to drive.These programs didn't help clients learn to be independent really..,the programs just posed like they taught survival skills to clients and take state money. Their true agenda was to keep clients dependant on the program while pretending to teach them"life skills" which amounted to a bunch of useless bullshit once you are out of the system and dealing with the real world.And I am so pissed about this... Someone made alot of money off of the Day programs a few years back. Just like some asshole made alot of money off of keeping me in the hospital for so long.

And I dunno how many people like me got screwed in the system during the years I was in it..

So I am 40 years old and screwed. I never was encouraged to pursue my art seriously by anyone,my mom was all talk,no help,the system did not believe in me or help.My ex when we had a relationship did no encouraging or help either..None of these people ever encouraged to make a career choice for myself. They always assumed I was the loon.The programs didn't help me with what I really needed either..

I was not taught how to balance a checkbook I figured that out myself.And let me tell you it was traumatic and terrifying. I was not taught the skills to learn to "make it" that other people get when they get a car in high school,begin and go through college.I never had the kind of social network normal people are graced with.

So for me simple shit others do like it's nothing, like taking a bus,getting somewhere on time, is terror and overwhelming to me.It feels so intimidating and it feels scary and I have no one encouraging me to try again when I fail and feel like killing myself.., or to advise or teach me what went wrong or right. I am totally alone 40 years old without the skills people learn when they are teenagers /young adults. It is scary as shit.. My therapist is useless for teaching me practical things.He can't come to my house and help me organize or ride the bus with me. I lose track of things, I lose time,I am disorganized and confused. I trigger.I am scared to death of fucking it all up.I am scared of triggering and freaking out and having no one there.


And I feel like a failure,a loser. My asshole father was right I am a loser a fuck up I'll never amount to anything...The thing that gets me is It is not my fault. But in this world they don't care if you can't do what you are supposed to do,if you can't you are a loser regardless of why. I hate my life. I wish I was never born.
I wish my heart would just stop beating.I wish I was not conscious anymore. Than I wouldn't need to eat,I wouldn't need any money, or to have shelter,or anything else. I would not feel this dread and pain,I wouldn't have this ugly body I hate,I wouldn't talk, and once I was buried or burnt up, I would not burden anyone with my problems and traumas.Nobody would have to teach me anything,I wouldn't be a downer on everyone else's positive vibes. Best of all I would not feel anything anymore,no emotions,no intrusive memories,no fear,no despair or dread,or joy that dies as fast as it arrives,no more throat pain,It would be like I never was,the mistake would be erased and the world could go on without a drag..

That's how I feel right now it hurts.
I will live for my cats. I will not abandon my cats.I can't abandon them. So I stay here for them. But good thing is,someday my body will die,it will get old ,sick or something else and die. Good thing life is not a permanent condition.I wouldn't be able to stand it if it was,because this world sucks.It's evil.
I feel like I was used like an all day sucker. I got taken advantage of. I gave alot to this relationship,and I have nothing but a broken heart and a sour relationship with a self absorbed roomate to show for all my caring,support and emotional efforts. I feel drained.Empty dead. alone. Hindsight is 20/20..and now I know it is true.Wish I saw all this ten years ago.

[mopinko]

1. dear panther

i am inclined to say, kick that fucker out. do it while your mom is still with you, so that you have back up. i assume you are in a college town. get another roommate. this is the time of year to do it, when students are looking for housing.
and learn to drive. it is not too late.
i know that you have had a devastating past. but only you can make the future what you want. and you can. take care of yourself.
(i do say with some authority, tho, that art, as a life, is rarely a good career choice. as something to feed your soul, it is great. as a way to put food on the table, it is rarely adequate. especially outside of new york or other major centers. for almost everyone that i know, it is usually more of a way to spend money than to earn it.)

[kineneb]

2. forgive yourself

I realize it is hard, I have had to learn to do it.

Real World (tm) Suggestions:

1. If you can't get rid of him, sit down with the house-mate and make a written, signed contract of exactly what rights each of you have around the house. Perhaps have Mom facilitate this. Post it on the wall. (motto: when in doubt, get it in writing).

2. Ease up on yourself. You are healing from surgery, and it is never fun. If you had anesthesia, it can affect the way food tastes for about a month or so, until it is all out of your body. Hang in there. It will get better.

My surgery story: I had a ligament in my ankle rebuilt; as I was laying in bed, in pain, with the ankle at heart height (for two weeks), I wondered why in hell I ever had the surgery. (Ever try to eat Chinese food laying flat on your back? I wound up with rice everywhere.) After five casts, a "moon boot" and re-learning to walk, when I finally could walk without pain, the whole ordeal did seem worth it. But the rehab time was about 6 months.

3. There are community resources to help with life skills. Try contacting a senior center. They often deal with older women who are suddenly widowed, without many "bookkeeping" skills. I bet they may be able to help. Look for the term "community action agency". They are non-profits that really do help.

4. Artistically: don't wait for others to encourage you. Just do what pleases you. If your heart is in it, you will do well, whether anyone else cares or not.

Hey, my parents wanted me to be a dental hygienist (gack!), so instead, I went to college and studied keyboards and music history. I did have support for the education, if not the subject. So what I don't have a real job- I have the education anyway. Sometime I might work through the malaise and write the damned Master's thesis.

Hope this helps, in some small way.

[undergroundpanther]

3. Thanks to both replies

I have started going to another counselor one that will help with life management issues. I think on one level I am just overwhelmed.
I talked to my mom and she has some ideas to help too. She will be coming back in a few months to help me find some options.And the roommate I talked to him too and he seems to be able to see my point and isn't so myopic as he seemed before.So hopefully things will be cope-able at least until I get some things arranged through my counselor and the other supports I am getting together to help me and figure out what to do.
Weekends are really hard for me,because everything is closed . It feels like I am forced to sit in limbo and wait and swallow it all.. I can't do squat about my situation on a weekend and it frustrates the hell outta me when things go bad and there isn't anything I can do.

Yeah my throat is driving me crazy,it hurts alot. I got put under with anesthesia,and I was told they put me down deep because they had to get into my throat and I had to lay still as possible and not gag or reflex.I hope it is just anesthesia causing my taste issue.I hope this is not a nerve injury or something.I guess time will tell.

It is almost impossible to sleep. If my mouth opens as I sleep and I breathe, it dries out my throat and the minute I wake and move it feels like my throat is cracking apart.I grab water and throat numb spray to handle it.I am lucky to get 3 hours sleep these days it was easier to sleep when I was on the higher dose of painkillers.

I had a weird thing today..I had to go to a patient first place out here today.I woke up with a strange sore, pale green gross looking tongue.A bad taste too. and burning. I noticed it looked off as I brushed my teeth, and it weirded me out when the sickly greenish color wouldn't brush,wipe or scrape off.
Freaked me out. Thought it may be an infection and I thought if it was an infection I was in deep shit with a tongue that looked like gangrene or something....But it is thrush. Apparently the antibiotics I was on gave it to me. Never had thrush before,I got medicine for it now.Anyways the stress is bad. My regular therapist is on vacation. It's just tough all around right now.

[DemExpat]

4. About your mouth and tongue, UGP...

when I had my tonsils out at 14 I had hell with the recuperating process. First they could not stop the bleeding and sprayed my throat with some kind of coating that made me feel like I was choking constantly until it dissolved after several days.....then the antibiotics gave me thrush and extremely painful sores all over my mouth, throat and tongue. This took a week or longer to heal as at first after going home we didn't know what this was and I kept taking the ABs...that is how I found out I am allergic to Penicillin.

Anyway, a simple operation can be miserable sometimes, even for younger people, so give yourself lots of time to recuperate from this.

I notice that I am tired and out of sorts for about a month or 2 after being under deep anesthetic, so now I always try to opt for local anesthetics when I need a surgical procedure if at al possible!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[undergroundpanther]

6. One good thing

They already know I can't take certain antibiotics.So at least I am safe until I discover another I can't take..
And I got a Diflucan today,Yay! Had to pay 21 bucks for it. Because my insurance has a limit on how many diflucans you can have (WTF??!). I had a diflucan earlier this month because before my surgery I had one last tonsillitis attack,and my doc gave me antibiotic shots to kill it off fast and I wanted diflucan to keep the yeast down.(I'd hate to think how horrid this thrush would be if I didn't take that diflucan in between antibiotics)Then less than a week I take another round of ten days of antibiotics. Shit I must not have a single bacterium left in my gut by now.

Anyways I am also taking enteric coated pro-biotics (a total of ten strains of good bacteria in it,the good stuff) to replace my good bacteria after this massive slaughter.I went to the nature store a few days ago and they sold it to me cheep,like half price and I wondered why,I think the lady who runs the store who I know already pretty well, was freaked out because I guess I looked sick as hell when I went there and she was nice to cut the price. I will have to thank her next time I go up there.All these antibiotics must have caused a massive die-off because after walking in the hot sun today and sweating my ass off to pick up my scrip, hours later my sweat has no scent.Damn.Never had that happen before.The one nice side effect.

Glad I got the pro-biotics,my system has taken a hit big time,not just from surgery,but from the drugs,and anesthesia and I can tell how it's struggling..

and my psych just put me on klonopin.Don't know shit about it.Gonna look it up soon. Mom was concerned about my anxiety,and I am anxious so I told my doc about it. He gave me klonopin. Anyone here take it? does it help? does it suck?

[mopinko]

5. glad you are a little better, panther

this line stuck out at me.
"I think on one level I am just overwhelmed."
i get that way, too. especially when i am having pain, and not sleeping. i'm glad you were able to do some talking. my hubby and i are finally in a place where we can talk, and not bs, or be defensive. when one of us gets to that overwhelmed place, and just erupts, saying all the things that we were not wanting to say, and surprisingly, the other often feels the same, is glad to hear it, and says what they wanted to say.
talking. who knew?

[NMMNG]

7. There have been plenty of times I've wished I could stop feeling

Now is one of those times.


IMO you should kick the albatross out. He obviously doesn't give a darn about you and is merely using you for a place to live--and abusing you in the process. There is no reason to subject yourself to that for another minute.

As to Klonopin, it should help you out. For most people it's quite good at quelling anxiety and smoothing out the rough edges. Some even find nasty situations quite tolerable when taking it.



:hug:

[undergroundpanther]

8. I wish

It was that Easy Buffy,
I can't afford to pay the bills here all by myself I am on SSI.
I don't qualify for credit to get heating oil on a monthly payment plan by myself. Saving up 400 bucks to get heating oil by time it gets cold on this 500 buck a month income where I can't afford to pay my bills let alone eat would be impossible.I can't afford a car. Even if the car was paid for,I can't afford gas.I don't know how to drive.And the transport bus system out here is cheesy because this area everyone can afford to drive.

I have to either get more money somehow,through the state or a grant.. or be stuck here and lump it until I die . That's my choices as of now.I could look for new roomates but I dunno if they'd be reliable.
I agree..with you buf,I don't think he really cares about me either or he is incapable of it for some reason. I've deluded myself for ten years about him because when we first met he was so kind and I realize it was either an act,it was temporary or it was to insert himself into my life to control me,or he changed,or he is in deniasl about the relationship,or something else I don't know why things are like this with him He has a past alcohol problem,he is not in recovery either,and he thinks he is "codependant"now. This is his latest kick.. his shrink is feeding him pop psych.. and xanax,and It makes me really suspicious of if his shrink is thinking straight.It scares the crap out of me..My ex does not manage time and stress well.He gets lost in his head,to the point I don't exist. He is very self absorbed,defensivbe and can be unrealistic.And the unrealisticness is around issues of"empowerment" sometimes and it has gotten us both screwed.

I fear that if he goes to school he will do as he did before,and if loses it and things for me will get worse and worse. He is unaware as he obesses and takes the stress of school out on me and out in controlling everything.He did this shit before. He will not hear my anger at that shit he did. I fear going through it all again and for him everytime I mention my fear of this situation he insists I am dooming his future sucess. He thinks if he quit school that would make me jump with joy. It's always been all about him.. But for me, it feels like,Just when the stress levels finally drop in this house he gets ambitious and up they go again..He gets bored and he wants a career and he wants to do this and I pay with his demanding controlling crap and get hit with all his displaced fear and it hurts like hell and crushes me and he refuses to admit his choices DO impact me and he has to be aware of that...No I just gotta roll over and bend around his fucking ambitions because his future overides EVERYTHING else. Including me and my needs.

It's a pattern he has that terrifies me and when he gets all controlling over having quiet and tv his way and all it fits the old pattern of his past domineering of my livingspace and this whole school thing scares me more.And he refuses to hear any of it.He says it's Not my responsiblity.And that is so provoking and discounting of me it drives me furious.Yet in the codependancy mindset telling a deperndat partner to get over it,get a life ect,and to become a sucess while discounting the other and the situation and shutting off empathy for a partners pain and limits and disregarding thier needs in the name of selfish sucess is seen as "healthy".Codependancy the idea is at it's core narcissism. So of course narcissistic people LOVE the idea of codependancy as an illness, and addicts often are damn narcissistic. Coinkidink?
http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/stories/lefave05metap.html
http://groups.msn.com/NarcissismSupportGroupMoralandSpiritualStruggle/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=482&LastModified=4675419245047076356

And he is unwilling to hear me out.And since he's so convinced he is codependant with me he projects his issues on me like crazy. And it's really insulting.I have spent most of my life alone in the house while others went to work or whatever. When I make freinds and go out without him he "has a crisis" and needs me to come home. It's total projection.I just wish he was gone,and I had enough money to make it myself and this town decent transportation,that went to my doctors places and I had enough stability to build a life and to figure out what I want to do with my life because I never have the chance or the supports in my life to find it out.

"When an individual's, or institution's, goal is Domination of others, and to be "right," no matter how much evidence there is that he, (or it) is wrong, everything said, or done, by the other in relation to that, is invalidated by the "right" one, to protect that self-delusion. When power and "other" control are the goal, reason gets left behind. Reason cannot communicate directly with power, because power doesn't listen to reason."
http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/stories/lefave01taut.html

But right now I am stuck.I wish I could see a way out of this. But right now I don't see it.
I hope death takes me tonight.I stop breathing in my sleep..

[kineneb]

9. aww, UP, easy there

take a deep breath and remind yourself that the person is a housemate and a renter. You don't have to really like him anymore. If he has to stay, just don't take any shit from him. Figure out what you want/need and demand it. So what he doesn't like it. Remind him he is a RENTER. Does his family own the house? No. Get that contract going, and get stuff in writing. Then if he doesn't like the noise, it is his problem...there are such things as ear plugs, do remind him. You do not exist for him to beat up- you are a valuable and worthy person. He is an asshat.

The only way we get our rights is by taking them, not waiting for them to come to us.

And please do take care. :hug:

[DemExpat]

11. Good advice there.

And I also thought about him using earplugs when he studies.....:shrug:

Make clear agreements and boundaries about the living arrangements and then things should be "liveable"....

:hug:s, UGP!

DemEx

[NMMNG]

10. kineneb is right

If you don't stand up for yourself and your rights who else will? Lay down some ground rules for Mr. Bully and stick to them. Let him know that he is nothing more than a renter/housemate, not a boyfriend or even a friend, so he is not allowed to use and abuse you. Your life is your own and you don't want or need to be his caregiver or whipping post.


Put yourself first for a while; it certainly can't hurt. :hug:

[hashibabba]

12. Everybody has such good advice.

Don't get discouraged, but take things slowly, it will take time to change all this stuff, and focus on ways to change it. You need to make some calls at least to the country and find out what other benefits you may qualify for. Housing assistance? It won't be as high because you have a roommate, but he probably doesn't make enough money to keep you off it. Many cities have food banks and places where you can get decent used clothes.

I've taken klonopin. That was ages ago and I was REALLY, REALLY sick at that point. I took it at night to help me sleep. I don't think they gave me a high enough dose to do anything at all for my anxiety, though. I've always been very fortunate with medications and not having side effects with them.


Edited to add: Tell him HE needs to get earplugs. You're not the one who has to be silent for him. If he shuts his door and puts on ear plugs, you'd have to have the TV up pretty loud for him to hear it. I've had a hypersensitivity to noise most of my life and I had to learn that I was the one who was going to have to solve it myself, not make the rest of the world be silent for me! How ridiculous!

And if he's worried about being codependant, tell him to go to AA. He's probably a dry drunk anyway.

[undergroundpanther]

13. Nailed that one..

He is a dry drunk, Says doesen't like the idea of a sponsor controlling him..Hah..!