I'm moving Doug out today.

[EFerrari]

Hey

Even though it feels like someone is trying to kill me, I packed Doug's stuff up and am having it sent over to where he is staying. I called him to let him know that his things are on there way in the kindest way I could so he wouldn't be too upset.

I realized that even if we work out our issues, we're at risk living this way. There has to be a safe "base camp" and I think (although I can't know) that's what I'm trying to make here. I'm not moving Doug out as much as I'm making a DMZ where we can feel safe. I don't know if that makes sense.

It doesn't sound like anyone is supporting him right now and I feel worried about that. I've dueling feelings -- loss and worry.

I'm going to write to his mom, so she'll know what's going on. My family has been great. They're trying hard to see this from his pov, too, not just a knee jerk defense of me and I'm so proud/grateful.

I have no clue where this is going. It's just the next step. I have to smile at how unconventional our lives are but, there they are.

/oops

[mopinko]

1. hugs, hugs, hugs.

i was wondering this morning what was up with you.
you know, i know that no matter what happens, the two of you have had something extemely special. if only you could find a source of peace that will last.
i hope that doug finds some support. or at least some space that feels safe.
sometimes you don't know where you are going, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. i hope that path leads you back together.
peace, friend.

[EFerrari]

3. It's okay.

If nothing else, I've learned that borderline families deal in drama. That's what we do.

My heart may be breaking right now but in a day or so, there will be something else to surf. That's how we are.

One cool thing. I started the first list on the net for our families, i.e,, not for partners of "sick" people but an inclusive list where we tried to just talk like people about the issues our families faced.

I had no idea if it would work and hoped that I wasn't doing any harm.

It worked. :)

I'm such a train wreck right now. But want to say, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for respecting my journey. Thank you for helping me feel real to myself while I walk through this.

It's okay. We're on the same side. The side of love and hope and taking one step at a time.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[politicat]

2. As much as it hurts, it may be the best thing.

Doug seems to have a need to bottom out periodically. I know it hurts you to have to stand by and let him do so, but the alternative is to try to hold him up and have him take you both down. Why he needs this, I can't say... for some people, the bottoming has a perverse thrill, since when the shit hits the fan, life is never boring - scary, dangerous and painful, but it's sure not dull. Especially for BPD, when things are going too well, it means something is wrong within the logic of the disorder. It's faulty wiring, a bad switch that sets off the danger detector.

Either Doug will find a counsellor who can help him retrain this demon and learn how not to do it, or he won't. You can't change it. You cannot control it. You didn't cause it. You can only react to it (which reinforces the behavior by returning the excitement to a boring series of days) or be proactive and choose not to react beyond logical consequences to behavior. At this point in his life, Doug is letting the disorder guide his life instead of guiding his life through and around the disorder. He is still choosing to act upon the disorder's behavioral cues. Doug has chosen this point in his path, even though his rational mind knows that he's damaging himself, his family and those around him. He's letting the disorder call the shots, and while it's traumatic for you, right now he either can't or won't (it's effectively the same thing) control it.

If you're not already in a mutual support program, you might want to look for a SOS meeting in your area. They are primarily a sobriety organization, secular in nature rather than religious like AA or Al Anon, but you're going through a lot of the same things that the friends and familyies of alcoholics and addicts go through, especially the learning to be self-directed instead of directed by the disorder.

I know it hurts. I know it's frustrating, especially because you know that he doesn't have to behave this way. But in this case, the only thing you can do is to let him make the choices and let the choices fail for him. Anything else is going to put both of you at greater risk, if not physically (which is highly possible), but emotionally.

Any time you need anything, I'm a PM away.

[EFerrari]

4. What I have found is a profound lack of skill in the community

where there should be trained therapists. And I won't bitch about that here because you all know as well as I do that we have so much tech that isn't delivered, for love or money.

What Doug is going through is not a character flaw but as you say, a faulty switch in brain wiring. And, it's not the kind of problem that learns easily, although learning happens.

I'm trying not to assume anything right now. My on line support group has been very loving and helpful. I guess what I mean is, I know our families tend to feel things very intensely and yet, there's always tomorrow.

Wherever this goes, I just want to get there consciously. :)

[politicat]

5. Exactly, because the faulty wiring is emotional, not intellectual.

And emotional learning is the hardest to change.

He loves you to the best of his ability. That's what matters.

I'm sorry that the community is not as helpful as it could be... would you like me to make inquiries on your behalf? I know several people in the field in the area, and they might have some leads...

[mopinko]

6. He loves you to the best of his ability.- a mantra for anyone

that is all any of us can do. even when we give our all, it is fraught with our own personal flaws.

[EFerrari]

9. So true. And keeping that in mind avoids two of the worst

traps we walk into -- idealization and resentment.

I like real people with real feet. Big feet that grip the road, lol.

[EFerrari]

8. I think I'm going to give this a rest for now. I need to resume

my daily walks and see about getting a dog when the time is right. It was bad enough that Doug went to Modesto and never came home but my dog passed away last Thursday. I miss my husband but am completely unmoored without my girl.

Re therapists, we've had some wild contacts. The first one was an expensive Marina type with 11 books to his name. He didn't test Doug and assumed the problem was drugs. The therapy didn't get far. The second was Alias Doctor Sugarman who turned out not to be a doctor. He let himself get angry and abusive with Doug. The last one was far better but she doesn't seem to understand the difference between facilitation and domination. She seems to experience me as controlling and has been projecting that all over our relationship for years now. This bit about telling Doug I'm just his roommate is very telling, isn't it?

And, now for something completely different. :)

[mopinko]

11. by all means, get a dog.

i am lost without a dog myself.

[EFerrari]

12. Every day I think I hear her or see her or find myself wondering

if there's enough dog food. It's amazing how strong that bond is.

I haven't spent more than two days at a time away from Buddy in fourteen years and never took a job where she wasn't welcomed. My life has been very Buddycentric. lol

[shrike]

7. A bit of a shock

To me, at least.

I don't much get involved -- or interested -- with the lives of anyone on DU -- or anyone else on line, for that matter. I use this and other message boards for information, little else; save for a safe place to rant, occasionally.

Yours has been a special case, particularly in the wake of the life and death of Andy Stephenson. (Plus, there was that beautiful picture you posted of Doug earlier this year.) From what little I know about your marriage, it always seemed that you and Doug saw colors together that the rest of us never will -- dark, as well as brilliant ones.
I myself have a very easy marriage. I get along better with my husband than I've ever gotten along with anyone else in my life, so it is hard for me to relate to your situation. But the state of one's marriage or partnership has such a direct impact on the state of one's well-being that I am glad you are receiving support, and love, from those closest to you.

[EFerrari]

10. My family and friends have been terrific. And you know

this isn't the first time Doug and I have been separated.

There's something about our situation that invites or creates drama. All I can try to do is not escalate it as best as I can. These events are very painful but, I only have to surf them now and then. Doug has to deal with them internally much more often. :(

Let's see how we do. I'm interested to see if Doug needed to do this to reach to the next step of functionality -- which is what I suspect. Crossing everything.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[shrike]

15. You must have a very strong love

to get through all these difficulties. I know people who have walked away at the drop of a hat . . .

And I agree, sometimes people have to go through a blackness to get to their next stage of being. I know it's happened to me. I always joke that I'm so stubborn God has to hit me on the side of the head to get me to follow my correct path. (And the sentiment also works metaphorically, I think, if you don't believe in God or any kind of higher power.)

[Blue_Roses]

13. Hey sfexpat

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been in and out here the past few months due to a move and my computer not being hooked up, so I'm behind quite a bit. Please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone:hug:

[EFerrari]

14. Thank you very much.

It feels like someone exploded this little life I've been trying to hold together. But my mom reminded me this morning, life is change.

I said, "I hope God KNOWS what he's doing." lol

:hug:

:grouphug: