New to the group -- advice needed

[Samurai_Writer]

Hi everyone,

Glad I found this group on DU! I've read through the posts and you all seem very supporting of each other. I'm hoping someone can give me some advice about my family situation.

I have a sister, Jennifer, who is 43 years old and schizophrenic. She was diagnosed at age 21, and has lived with my mom ever since (my dad died when she was 29). My mom is now 70, and my sister has many other health problems besides the mental illness. They live in Houston. I have three other siblings - a sister, Diane, in Washington state, a brother, Mike, in Michigan, and a sister, Lisa, in Colorado (I live about an hour away from her). My sister and I have been trying to convince my mom a) to move to Colorado so she doesn't have the burden of taking care of Jennifer alone (it also brings her closer to two of her young granddaughters), and b) to find a residential or assisted living center for Jennifer. For many years, my siblings and I have been trying to convince my mom to have Jennifer in a more controlled environment, but my mom has been resisting. Jennifer has been completely shut out from the world for 22 years, except for doctors appointments and group therapy once a week (which has recently been defunded and shut down, thanks Bush). My siblings and I think Jennifer would be happier and lead a more full life in a place that pushed her to do things. My mom doesn't make her do anything, including cleaning up after herself.

Anyway, that's the story, and I am hoping you have some advice on how to approach my mom so that we can do what is best for my sister, and for my mom. Thanks.

[EFerrari]

1. Hi there, RadFemFL. I don't have any advice

but, welcome to the forum. :hi:

[mopinko]

2. well, how is your mom doing? and how does she feel about

jennifer?
i think for aging parents in general, the number one mistake folks make is to put off moving to assisted living of whatever sort. nobody wants to leave their home, but if they will have to eventually, it is best to do it while they are still functioning well enough to make the transition. the sooner the move, the smoother.
does mom blame herself for jennifer? that could be the lynch pin of the situation.
i suppose the same thing advice could also apply to jennifer re assisted living. does she take meds? do they help at all? does not sound like she is getting as much help as she could.
as for how to sell this to mom, i guess the question is- how is she? if she is still ok mentally, keep talking. but if mom is starting to slow down, she is going to be resistant to change. you wouldn't be the first siblings to have to sit folks down, and lay down the law. it only gets harder.
it's a tough time of life for everyone. mom needs to face up to being too old to be a mom. i predict she will not do this easily. pull up your socks. no easy way to do this, afaik.
:grouphug:

[Samurai_Writer]

3. My mom is doing good

She's just about to turn 70, and is in good health and mentally alert. However, given my sister's size and disabilities, my mom cannot physically take care of my sister anymore.

I know when Jennifer was FIRST diagnosed, that some psychiatrists blamed the mother for children who develop mental illness. Of course, my mom is an RN and she knew that wasn't true. But she still might feel guilty.

Jennifer does take meds, but they don't seem to help much. Of course, the other problem is that Jennifer has no motivation to get better, either, in her current situation.

I spoke with the director of a group home here in Colorado today. The place sounds great, but Jennifer is going to have to want to participate in the program, and at this point, I don't know if she will.

My sister Lisa and I are continuing to talk to my mom. We will see how it goes. Thanks for the response!

[mopinko]

4. she deserves to retire

while she can still have a little fun. it will probably help your sister's transition to move sooner than later also.
put your feet up, mom. sounds like you have done a superhuman job. now listen to your kids.

[DemExpat]

5. I agree here.

With no other possible caregivers in the Houston area I would keep on gently but firmly suggesting the move to Colorado - unless of course Mom has great aversion to moving from Houston for herself and her social circles.

This just seems like the best possible course to take to lighten the load for the mother as well as for making the big changes now sooner than later for the sister when Mom is unable to care.

DemEx

[hedgehog]

6. I'm not really competent to give advice.

So I won't, but I will send along my concern and best wishes. I've had neighbors hit by schizophrenia and I've seen how devastating it can be.

[NMMNG]

7. Working towards residential placement sounds like the best thing

Though if there is an option for "drop in" staff to go to your mom's home to help out that may be a good interim solution. That way your sister can begin re-learning self care skills so she'll be able to handle a residential placement better down the road, plus your mom will get some of the burden off of her. You might want to check out what options are available both in TX and CO. Some agencies offer both residential and in-home supports while others offer only one or the other.

[Pharaoh]

8. Welcome to the group radfemFL

Wish I had some advice for ya. I think you just try to do whats best for them and go with the flow, people don't always cooperate to do whats in their best interest:party:

[shrike]

9. Have you tried a proactive approach?

Along the lines of what Buffy said?

You and your CO sis could research all you could about alternatives and support in your immediate area and present them to Mom in this fashion. These could be living arrangements for Jennifer and living arrangements for her as well. Present her with concrete examples that she can choose from.

And you have my sympathies: one of my husband's cousins is schizophrenic and has lived with one of his aunts for years. (His mother, while not mentally ill herself, is too unstable to take care of him.) He scares the dickens out of a lot of people, but I find him easy to deal with if I just go with the flow of whatever his thought patterns might be. He's totally harmless, and sweet in his way. My husband is also able to make him laugh, which is even better.

Residential living might have been better for him, too, but that branch of the family would never hear of it, and we have no say in it. Sadly, his health is very poor and he may well not outlive his caretaker.