If I only knew

[undergroundpanther]

I was talking to my friend mike last night. He used to be an EMT and firefighter.As we shot the shit getting food my back seized up bad, I went on the couch to control the pain. I already took tylenol, but it wasn't doing anything,So I got the heat pad plugged it in and this is what started this conversation..

I told him about the accident I was in in '93 that has fucked my spine up. I was hit while walking across the road slowly with my ex boyfriend , he was taking me out to dinner and I was hit by a cab with no headlights on going 45 mph as he stepped on the curb and I was a step behind holding his hand...

Mike being trained in emergency treatment, pointed out how incompetent the Baltimore county emergency treatment personnel were with me .And hearing it it blew my mind.

In the accident I was hit,thrown in the air, landed ,my head hit the curb and both my legs were dislocated, ankles knees and one hip.And my neck was fractured but I didn't know it.That is why I got those bone spurs in my throat now, my spine had an impact that went undetected and untreated. How badly untreated I was shocked to find out..
Mike said first of all I should have gone to shock trauma not a local ER.

When I was put i in a cradle board when they lifted me off the road...

He said they should have put on a cervical collar on me to stabilize my head, FIRST before anything else..That is standard trauma procedure for all car accident injuries.If the head moves after and accident I could die very easily.They could have killed me by not using a cervical collar! The incompetence!!

Than Mike told me about a EMT call he went on with a guy who was hit and thrown by a car as I was, with kinda, similar injuries..And his spine had an impact too.. and when they got there before they could get the cervical collar on him the guy slightly moved his head , then a bone fragment severed his main nerve and he died instantly.I had no clue how delicate my situation could have been.And scary as it is the Baltimore county emergency crew were ignorant of that too.


When I was in the ambulance nothing was done to my legs.they cut off my pants, but they did not do anything about my dislocated legs. I had to tell the stupid ass lady riding with me asking me my name and address over and over,to get me some pillows so the muscles in my dislocated legs would quit pulling against each other and worsening the dislocations..so I rode in to the hospital 20 minutes or so with pillows propping my dislocated legs. The cradle board stabilized my head very little in the bouncy ambulance. She kept asking my address thinking I was in shock, if she KNEW her procedures for emergency care she would have taken my temperature, taken my pulse/ blood pressure and shined a light in my eyes and felt for cold clammy skin looked for grey gums. She was incredibly INCOMPETENT.

Mike said again they had fucked it up.

My legs should have be reset and splinted asap and EMTS should know how to set dislocations and splint legs they should have done this after they had the cervical collar on and after I was in the cradle board before I was transported..my legs should have been reset and stabilized before the bumpy ride. The blood pressure and all should have been done CONSTANTLY, if they thought I was in danger of shock and I should if I was showing signs of shock been treated for it not asked my damn address over and over.



Then when I got to GBMC NO X-rays were taken . None of my legs, or my spine. The doctor reset my legs,and when he pulled them I shrieked and asked for pain medicine He gave me no warning he just grabbed my leg I had big hemotomas in my leg and he's yanking it ,they gave me morphine than reset it. wrapped it in a splint with an ace bandage thing.Mt other leg was not splinted but it was reset.

Then the cops came to me,I was drugged into a stupor by than.He was talking but I didn't understand him. Nobody was there with me as my boyfriend was not allowed in the ER area I was in. I was in a very weird psychological state I was dissociated badly..I did not know what "press charges" meant. In the drugged up state I was in I was defenseless. I told him , No,not sure of anything,I just heard,No charges were pressed, So the CAB who hit me faced NO penalties because I did not understand what was going on.Very convenient for the cab company that the cop went to see me in THAT state of mind.


Later, that night I was instructed how to use crutches and I found out just standing hurt not just my legs but my back,I tried to say something, but nobody listened,my words were all slurry and it was very hard to talk. Regardless I had to go,and they sent me home. I rode in a van home holding my head up despite the pain.Dulaney staff forced me up two days later to go to program and I was still in incredible pain. My ex boyfriend had to help me with everything shower, food, get dressed everything. The staff didn't do squat to help.These people acted like I just got bumped and should get over it.

Well because I did as they told me and toughed it out I have a really fucked up spine now.
And the last ten years of able bodiedness I had was blown on my self absorbed ex, cleaning house, trying to get him to relate to me,and not living MY life,I was a prisoner. Now my body is my new prison now that I am not in the emotionally tortured relationship anymore.. It's falling apart it hurts alot, and I am so pissed now. I feel cheated. Cheated by the incompetents,by the world, by my own ignorance and the willful ignorance and apathy of others.

I am pissed at Baltimore county, I learned last night from an insider how it has bad hiring practices in the name of politically correct "helping". Baltimore county fudges EMT test scores to favor minorities for hiring, this way of doing things makes them hire people that do not know the material or proper procedures in emergency care. They give tests and training to all EMTS.

A white guy would have to get a higher score to be hired if he is to get the job.He'd be a better EMT. Than A woman who gets a 30% (freebie score she did not earn) tacked on to her test score of &% passing, she'd be hired as if she got 100% because she's a woman.. This is one field where affirmative action should NOT be allowed.. in the hiring process. That political correctness game means she can be hired if she makes just a 70% on her EMT tests,that means 30% of knowledge needed to save someone's life she does not have, while a guy who made 100% would not get the job because of the way the county tallies test scores to favor minority preferences.
I wonder if the incompetent woman with me in the ambulance that day was cut slack for being a woman to cover for her crap EMT test scores? Looks that way to me.

Lowering standards in some cases is DANGEROUS..I am all ok with affirmative action in careers that are not life and death serious.. But lowering standards for political correctness in EMT and emergency care is unexcusable..The people doing these jobs HAVE to know what they are doing and MUST know the procedures or they'll hurt someone, like they hurt me with their lying test scores that excuse their incompetence, incompetence that fucked me over!!!

I got pain now for the rest of my days. I didn't know how to handle life because in the psych system all they focused on was making me be "appropriate" not teaching me skills like what"press charges" means..or my rights or anything important like managing bills learning to drive etc.They just dumped me out into section 8 with no real life skills to handle life on the outside so what did I do I hooked up with a assholes, because I was unaware of the dynamics of abusive relationships, they don't teach about that the the psych system because half the staff are abusive people. I was let out with very little life skills, naive, unprepared and the assholes around me took advantage of my naivete .bastards.

Here's the kicker, If I had appropriate representation and advocacy at the time of the accident.. I would not be in this situation now. I would have had a lawsuit against the ambulance company for their many failures to follow basic trauma procedures,,the cab company,for going 45 mph in a 15 mph road with no lights on in the evening, the hospital for not X -raying my back or treating me as I needed to be,and my residential program for being a bunch of assholes making me get up and go to program and walk my ass a half mile on crutches to get to physical therapy because they don't wanna get off their ass and drive me there in a van..

With the settlement I could have had, Even if I called it 3 fucking years later, I'd maybe be living off 2,000 bucks a month or more and all of my injuries forever would be tended to. I would not be alone like I am now.I would not have these cysts in my thigh that make my leg go numb from the impact,that fiasco I had over blue cross whining that it was cosmetic and would not pay, that would not have been an issue.If I had a proper advocate they'd be gone, my back would have had physical therapy along with my legs.Maybe the pain and disability I have now would have been lessened and I definitely would be able to afford to live.

But here I am 10 years later learning the stuff I wish I knew ten years ago.

The anger I feel right now is incredible..

Goddammit.

I hate fucking hairless apes, ignorant control freak incompetent assholes.Stupid political bullshit fueled by greed.Taking advantage fuck faced manipulating pieces of shit, Goddammit I hate em.I wish the world would just die in one big fireball.
I wish DEATH to the rich greedy and incompetents who blithely ruin others lives.The stupid politicians catering to minority issues in a way that gets people hurt, that WRONG..and the goddamn systems that keep ex psych patients ignorant of the kinds of advocates and laws they need to know to protect themselves with the shit hits the fan. I want my ten mostly unhappy years I wasted with asshole back! Fuck this world and the EVIL that is smeared all over it..
I hope the pain does not get worse. I hope, but I know what degenerate means.It means to degenerate or get worse over time.
Fuck.Degenerative disk disease, I hope none of you ever get it.


If any of you are ever in an accident, insist on proper procedure if you can,if they do shit to you like they did to me, sue all the motherfuckers and fight for your own right to be respected and treated properly because I didn't know what my rights were,than nobody fucking TOLD me.

Nobody was THERE for me my mom was on vacation in Virginia.. NOBODY was there... and now I am alone again I am the one pay for all of that shit and incompetence of others and there is NOTHING I can do about it now, ten years past.

I just have more goddamn suffering to look forward to and I better hope that the rich pampered fucking millionaires who do not have to worry about ANYTHING except re election in congress do not in a fit of "fiscal responsibility" destroy medical assistance in favor of giving themselves another raise. When I heard EX Governor Erlich whine on tv that they'd have to go back to washing their own dishes because he's not Governor anymore I thought I was gonna barf.

Therich political PIGS have already fucked up medicare Screwed the old and poor,.. it's only a matter of time before these greedy pigs rob medicaid and SSI too.Poor people and the quality of life to the non-middle class citizens don't matter at all,to this incompetent corrupt government and to most citizens they'll trample each other to death for a playstation 3 but do they give a shit about people who can't afford food, one word: NO. We don't exist. To Washington we are a bother,a threat an eyesore, better off dead. That is what the leaders most people elect SAY to me with their actions and policies.If I don't work and feed their insatiable greed and hunger for domination of my life I don't deserve any help.FUCK.


I hate this world. I hate political bullshit, I hate rich people. I hate this evil sick sad fucked up world. Why do we have such frail bodies?Why must we Pay and Pay rich people to be able to EXIST? I never asked to be born yet I pay everyday to exist in a world I hate.. WHY? Why are we born to suffer and put our dreams away because we have to compete against one another to survive who set up this game and why do people INSIST on playing make believe about it all? Why is there such a huge undeserved tolerance in our fucked up culture for all this self deceptive, manipulating, bullshit,bullies and incompetents? FUCK!

[hedgehog]

1. The hardest thing in the world is learning to let go when there is

nothing to be done.

I agree that you ran into a series of terrible injustices, but from what you are saying, there is no way to go back and get compensated for the damage. I can relate slightly, because I went through hell for six years working with people who lied to me and about me. I have tried my best to forget, but occasionally something will come up out of the blue and all the anger and hurt hits me again. I can't recover for lost wages or for the clear gender discrimination that took place, but at least I got out of there with my health intact (mostly) and with a clear conscience.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're right that you were mistreated, but the only person who is being effected by your anger now is you, and I'm afraid that the anger may be hurting you. Can you find something that speaks to you of the goodness of the world? Even if it's just a picture of a kitten, it helps to have a reminder from time to time. I wish I could send more hope your way. I know that when I get hit, it takes all the strength I have to see that it is the disease talking and that reality isn't as completely bad as it seems at the moment.

[Pharaoh]

2. I must agree with hedgehog

I went through a similar period in my life due to a tragic injustice against my being which I will not go into here,
ultimately I came to realize that my anger was killing me inside and making me sick. Look at your anger and see how it makes you feel. Then realize that the main effect of your anger is making you sick and insane.
You must learn to let go of it and move forward. :hug:

[undergroundpanther]

3. Umm I'll let go when I am ready

I was not upset over what happened,maybe miffed my back is fucked, I regret not knowing what to do back than tho..but the day I wrote the OP I expressed how it felt to not know. I really think when people tell me to hurry up and "get over it" go forward yadda yadda they are nOT helping me they are helping themselves, like a discomfited bystander does by turning away.. Anger may eat YOU up inside, but for me, if I do as you do,and play make believe about my feelings and how my life is,and pretend I am not angry or hurt when I am, the anger suppressed will kill me. The denied anger and feelings denied is for me, deadly.Our culture fakes mental health by suppression of emotions and how bad things feel it is avoidant and emotionally dishonest and I hate our culture for this crap.It enables abuse and it stifles the voice and it is wrong..

I am not playing that game. Sorry guys, if you don't like seeing my feelings expressed as it is at the time it is there for me than put me on ignore and don't bother with my posts if YOU can't deal with it.That is YOUR problem,not mine.

Some days are good some are bad and I am not gonna let go of my expression of my moods until I am ready to to let it go on my terms in my time, not yours..You can assume all you want about my mental state or life by a few posts, but can you really know me, no,you can't to do that. To do that is to lie to yourself about me,and pretend I am something I am not based in a feeling I had and likewise I can't know you or your life either and base who you are on your posts you put up on bad days either..

I get really sick of the "get over it" crowd. Your ignorance and intolerance of different people having different types of healing and styles of emotional expression to help themselves heal that is not like your kind of healing really can for some people, who feel like I do , your get over it just feels toxic.

This is why get over it is toxic to me and is stirring my anger as I type this...

Our problem,is that we keep our fears, anxieties, and sadness bottled up inside us: "We don't throw ourselves on the coffin of our loved one or tear our clothes and wail, or really do anything to discharge our losses. So they stay in our unconscious and our bodies."

http://www.utne.com/issues/2006_136/promo/12168-1.html

I for one cannot afford to bottle up anymore grief anger whatever because other people want me to "get over it", It will kill me.

[Pharaoh]

4. you'll be done when your done

and I didn't suppress my anger I carried it around for years, but we all have our way of dealing with things, and venting on DU can also be very helpful,looks like a good article, I will check it out when I have more time. You have a good week undergroundpanther..........:party:

[hedgehog]

5. I agree that your anger has to be faced and acknowledged.

If it gets buried, it just lies festering and ready to spring on you at any time. The hazard is that instead of facing it and letting go, someone might let the anger take over to become the center of their life. I hope that venting here does help you heal. Just be careful not to turn into Miss Havisham and let your life stop at those bad times.

[EFerrari]

6. What you said, UP. Sometimes I wish I could be outside

where there are no people and just scream until the screaming was all used up.

The thing is, usually when I've been in one of those places, there was no need.

Maybe I'm allergic to people. I don't seem to want to scream around the four leggeds. :)

:hug: to you.




/oops

[Pharaoh]

7. Yes, but the four leggeds

are much more honest!:party: