Do you ever get over your abandonment issues?

[jessicazi]

I was sexually abused for 10 years and didn't experience the support I needed as a child and teenager. Because of these issues, I have significant abandonment problems. I have learned to cope with it and trust people more as I get older (only 25), but I naively believed I was past being abandoned by those I love, until recently.

A close friend, someone in whom I confided, someone who understood my abuse, and all that goes along with it, someone who promised they would always be there and love me, has abandonmed me. Emails are unanswered and I am largely ignored when before we would talk everyday. When it first happened, I didn't handle it well and cut, though I had never cut before. I felt like I had no control and the cutting was a release and so much more. I haven't cut in a while and feel like I am in a place where I can sort of move on from this recent abandonment. Though now I wonder, when you have experienced abuse and abandonment, are you ever able to get to a place where being abandoned doesn't feel like your heart is ripped from your chest and you can never trust another soul?

I know that even those without the abandonment issues still feel betrayed and saddened when they lose a friend, but the pain is so much deeper for me. My psychologist said that I feel emotional pain exquisitely, and it's true. This abandonment has brought me back a few steps and now I wonder if I can ever really trust someone again because I trusted this person and they totally fucked me over, and I never foresaw this. I am so angry that I entrusted someone with so much and they just discarded all that I gave, offered, and sacrificed.

Basically, is there a chance to overcome my issues and how have you learned to deal with this type of loss/abandonment?

Thank you.

[DemExpat]

1. I am much older......in my mid 50s.....

Though now I wonder, when you have experienced abuse and abandonment, are you ever able to get to a place where being abandoned doesn't feel like your heart is ripped from your chest and you can never trust another soul?


and can say that no, the feelings do NOT get any less exquisitely painful, but, I have reasonably learned to do the extremely difficult act of balancing between remaining open and loving towards people without giving them my total trust, without relying on them to always be there.....

This to me means taking the risk to remain open and loving while not giving myself over to that lifelong missed desire (from childhood) to be totally taken care of and supported. Not to seek the missed support from others now in the present...

So far, this has helped me survive until now and to establish enough stable, loving and supportive relationships around me to feel a blessed person.....but setting boundaries has always remained one of my weak points, so still learning and putting into practice all the time.

I can definitly say that I have learned to live with my issues - overcome is such a strong term -

to reach a good balance of trust and self-reliance. But I am not too naive to realize that things might well change as I enter into older age.....

All the best,

DemEx

[DemExpat]

2. One more coping tip I have successfully used...

is to write down my experiences and feelings in a journal - this always helped me to tie in crisis situations like abandonment to the older childhood feelings that present situations triggered. This way I could place my (unbearable) feelings in context to my past as well as into the journal pages themselves which allowed me to place them outside myself and not to feel constantly crushed under their weight.

:hug:

DemEx

[jessicazi]

3. Interesting, very interesting.

Thank you, your words are ones I will ponder and learn from.

If anyone has any good book recommendations, I would appreciate it, especially on this abandonment issue and setting boundries. This friend and I had bad boundary problems and I have certainly learned that our friendship made me too co-dependent. Why do we have to learn lessons the hard way?

[DemExpat]

4. I personally dislike labels on mental/emotional problems

but I share many characteristics of borderline PD, so these books, many which deal with abandonmnet issues and boundaries, might be helpful to you as well.

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/

DemEx

edit: we have to learn the hard way because we were given no guidelines and sense of security in our youths.....we really do have to learn by trial and error now as adults, and its a long, hard slog, but worth it. I see the gifts in my life's experiences now after surviving this far. :D

[EFerrari]

5. Hi there, jessicazi.

(Speaking of abandonment issues, I left my laptop open when I went to the market and my puppy chewed off six key covers in five minutes! Wow! She's very efficient!)

I second Demexpat's referral. That site is a treasury of good information. It's been helpful to me, that's for sure.

Also, this may be something. (Like the Dave Letterman game -- Something or Nothing? :) One day I realized that I needed to feel like someone was on my side. In fact, feeling like no one was on my side made me so anxious I got good and phobic for a few years.

But this one day, I realized very clearly that I needed someone on my side. And that sometimes I could be that person but, sometimes, I couldn't be that person. Does that make sense?

So, the trick was to spot those times when I "couldn't be that person" and figure out who to draft for the job. The first person I drafted was a Labrador Retriever and my girl helped me so much and in so many ways -- with expectations, with trusting, with withholding my reactions, the list is long.

Later, I started "drafting" other people more or less carefully and not drafting other people because they didn't seem to be good candidates for whatever the deal was at the time. I could draft one of my friends to help me plan a difficult appointment but not draft my mom, whom I adore, because that would end up being a mess for both of us. It's funny because looking back, the moment when I could start distinguishing between who I could ask and who I probably shouldn't ask for that particular thing was a very important one for me. Because I wasn't too afraid to think about it. lol

I don't know if that makes sense.

:)

[DemExpat]

6. My one lingering addiction, Beth, is having to have a loving, happy dog in my life.

Lots of shit can be happening in my life, but my dog still needs her walks, food, toys, activities, attention and loving, and she ALWAYS loves my presence! This is really valuable for those of us with abandonment issues......

:D

I discovered that the companionship of a dog in my life is something I am dependent on now when my 15 year old Jack Russell died 2 years ago and I thought I would go crazy/die from my pain of losing him.....it wasn't long before I got a rescue Jack Russell companion to continue the "love connection" that dogs provide and which is so vital in my life.
Heck, if this is my only addiction after combating several others, I am a happy, free, and healthier woman!

And yes, when we need people it certainly is smart to be discerning about what each of our friends and loved ones has to offer - and they all have something very different to offer, is my experience!

:hug: :grouphug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

7. Hairy angels.

:)

:hug:

:grouphug:

[mopinko]

8. it says a lot about you that

you have a jack. it takes a good person to have a jack, and be happy about it. (i have 3 rats. i think that about equals one jack.) i can't live without at least one dog.

[DemExpat]

10. LOL, mopinko!

So you know the Jack Russell Terrier.....? :evilgrin:

I am so in love with the fierce loyalty, lovingness, and feistiness of this breed, but agree, it takes special attention (and lots of exercise) to have a good one that doesn't try to rule the roost in the home! :rofl:

Rat terriers are so cool too - you don't see them much over here, though. They are smaller than a Jack, are they not?

DemEx

[mopinko]

11. my rats are big

the same size as a jack, but there are a lot of minis out there. they are not that common around here, but they are getting there. they are getting popular as a "not quite as _____ as a jack", whatever your particular deficit is that makes a jack too much for you.
i got them because i needed a mouser here in the big, vermin filled city. but i have pet birds, so i wanted a mouser that would at least think twice before eating the parrot.
i never understood why people owned terriers until i got one. that made me get 2 more (a crazy pair of sisters). they are the lean mean hunting machine when the 3 of them get on something. and i have a crazy boxer that thinks she is a terrier, too.
anyone who has a terrier, that loves it, and especially that trains it to be a good citizen (this is not really me. mine are pretty bad dogs.), is a person of strong character, without a doubt.

[mopinko]

9. puppy, huh?!

good for you.

[EFerrari]

13. Puppy has been helping me to keep moving.

Sometimes I think I'm just too OLD to raise another young thing, lol, but she's got me out walking twice a day! I've lost the weight I gained after Andy passed and the other day, I found MUSCLES in my legs.

:)

Edit: Here she is pretending to be a cat:

[mopinko]

14. if i ruled the world

everyone would be issued just the right dog.

[EFerrari]

15. Really! They should be standard issue! n/t

[undergroundpanther]

19. Ummm Dog?

What about felines, I am Panther fer chissakes, what canI do with a mutt, that I can already do with my kitties?
Please make an exception for the cat people and bird people, not everyone gets along as well as you with dogs.



Why God Created Animals

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

[mopinko]

20. well, panther-

dogs are just extra special to me. i have 2 parrots, and i love them very much. i would probably have a cat or 2 in the zoo without my allergies. but part of what makes dogs special to me is their ability to protect. i had a dog when i was a kid that wouldn't let my dad spank me. i had times when it was just me and my first kid, and i had a german shepherd that watched over us. its not just love. its safety.
they can be a great pain in the ass, tho, in a way that cats aren't. and i understand about cat love, and how they don't pander or grovel. they stand up, and insist on being equal.

i think that people ought to be able to have whatever kind of companion is right for them. i hate that so many apartments, and other living situations, force people to choose between a roof and a friend. it shouldn't happen.
i am glad you have your cats. i get it. no disrespect intended.

[undergroundpanther]

21. I understand the protection issue

I had two pets that defended me both not dogs.

Rikki he was the most awesome catfreind I ever had.
I was constantly stalked by several bullies in my neighborhood growing up. I had different ways to handle it but sometimes there was no way out or no way to fight..
Rikki used to meet me at the bus stop. He must have drove my father nuts trying to get out the door to meet me everyday.Anyways by the time my drunk ass father got off his butt to let Rikki out I was already hurt and trudging twords home..Rikki would cuddle with me. and I loved him.Well one day he got out early. As I got off the bus I saw him up in the tree at the bus stop crouching as I got off the bus I saw him move just out of sight . I went to the tree, but the bully ringleader richie and his cohorts surrounded me hoping to pin me to the tree. But Rikki leaped down,used my head as a springboard and he landed on Richie he screamed as Rikki started batting his face furiously claws out, hissing and screaming like a demon.

All the kids ran scatter-shot,I stood by the tree amazed, than I busted out laughing as Rikki kept clawing the living shit out of richie,as he ran across the road. Right before ass-turd ran into his house to flee my CAT, Rikki leaped off his head and crossed the street and jumped in my arms, as he passed the other kids did not go near him..than I started crying because I was so touched, by what he did. He jumped in my arms purring . If I was a cat I would be so in love with that cat..I hugged Rikki and we walked home. The ass hats at the bus stop didn't do shit to me if they thought my Rikki was around. Ritchie had some nasty scratches all over his head and face. He was out of school for a few days too.

My other defender was a rooster, yes, a chicken!
Blackie was a chirping ball'o'black fluff I raised up to a fine handsome jungle fowl.
One day I was out at the coop after school changing the water, putting more feed in the feeders talking to all my birdie critters out there. I had my chickens, 2 doves and two rabbits in the coop. It was a pretty big coop too, I could fit myself in there and I often would sit in there with Rikki and Mikey(the one dog I had)and bring in my portable radio sing to my beasties.

My father that day came up mad over who knows what,but he was stinking drunk and that usually meant it was time for me to get thine arse up to the top of the nearest tree.But the coop door was open, so as he yelled I tried to shut the latch,I knew he was gonna hit, and when he started hitting..I found Blackie would have none of that shit,around him..So he flew at my father,who was standing there, right in front off the wire part of the coop,Blackie hurled himself against the wire spurs out barely missing his eye due to the chicken wire in the way...Blackie never had his spurs trimmed,I never really thought about them until I saw what he could do with those..(I think Blackie was an influence in my choice to get into knife throwing and swordsmanship).

Blackie's spurs were 5 inch surprisingly sharp daggers of horn growing out of both his ankles.
My father backed away from the coop,pretty fast. I was shocked because Blackie had NEVER acted like that before,The whole coop was shaking from Blackie's fury so the latch slipped open because I did a half ass job of closing it,under threat. Blackie knocked open the coop door and flew out at my father's head, fluttering spurs aimed right at his face!
(Chickens can't fly proper but they can fly short distances and can jump and an aggressive pissed off rooster with big spurs can do damage.)

Blackie had his spurs out to kill as my father tried to bat him away panicking, Blackie kept going at him, running after him jumping until my father turned and bolted into the house Blackie running after,jumping up again and again.When the screen door shut Blackie came back to me strutting in the way only roosters can pull off without looking stupid , leaped on my arm and did his sweet little chortle cluck he'd do and laid his head on my chest. I guess it was I love you in chicken-ese? I of course bawled and laughed at the same time.And I buried my face in chicken feather fluff and hugged my Super Chicken tight . Later when I came in the house at night,my father said not a word to me but I noticed he got two nasty cuts , one gash on the underside of his upper arm from near the wrist twisting to near the elbow,closed with a few butterfly's and one deep puncture on his cheek. There was blood stain in the bathroom.It took weeks for it to heal and it left scars.

My father NEVER hurt me if Blackie was around. After a year of Blackie's defense my father shot him dead in the coop. I found him dead after school, And my father wanted me to clean him for dinner. I refused to. He tried to hit again.. I could out run him so I split and I went up the tree..A few days after that I decided I had enough of my father's shit and I threatened to kill him with a knife. I did not intend to kill him I just wanted to scare him bad so he'd leave me alone. If my pets could get him to leave me alone it was about time I did it myself..He knew I was skilled with blades, it's a hobby of mine to this day, I use broadsword,throwing knives, and I was a good fencer.He never came around stirring shit while I was practicing with knives or swords outside.. He stopped the physical abuse after I threatened him.I threw a knife about an inch from his face into the wood of the back door. I scared the piss out of him. I was 14..I was never hit again.

There have been times my cats have saved my life, warned me about an electrical fire about to occur,Told me about a gas leak..they warn me if food might burn on the stove. You'd be surprised how protective cats are, they just do it in a different way than dogs do. I have found if an animal loves you and the animal considers you part of his kind,they will stand up for you if they can help.

[mopinko]

22. amazing stories, panther

and i am not at all surprised that your animals would stick up for you.
it is a terrible shame that we are so cut off from the natural world now. i have always talked to animals, and had as many critters as i could sneak into the house when i was a kid. dogs were a hard sell, but i was always on the lookout for a stray, or a neglected dog to drag home. but i had all manner of critters. budgies, hamsters, bunnies, turtles, fish, you name it.
one of the worst things about my first divorce was that i lived in a house where i couldn't have a dog. my daughter was just a toddler. i begged the landlord. it was just their stingy nature. they knew that in the next few years the house was going to be bought by the school next door and torn down. this is why they didn't care to get rid of the giant cockroaches, but the thought that there might be a couple of pee stains on the floor seemed like some kind of crime to them.
when i knew i would be moving out soon, i got a dog, anyway. a friend told me about a doberman that needed a home. she had been a top quality show dog. she had cost $800 as a pup. (this was the late 70's). but somehow, she had gotten passed from owner to owner. i was worried about why, but i had had 3 petty robberies in 3 weeks. i couldn't take it anymore. so i took the dog in. she was so beautiful. and she settled right in. she is the dog who really taught me how much a good dog knows about people. she put the finger on a new friend, sitting next to me, and growling very quietly whenever he came around. he turned out to be just evil, a total liar and phony.
unfortunately, she also loved to roughhouse and play with other dogs, and she used a split second opportunity to get out the door, and head across the street where there was a litter of puppies. she was hit full on by a car going about 20 miles over the speed limit. i was alone with a toddler, and could not even go sit by her. she hung on for about 5 minutes. i had to wait for nearly an hour for the animal control to come pick up her body. that was definitely one of the longest hours of my life.

us humans need animals in our lives, whatever kind fits us, personally. how about that statement? i think we really started sliding downhill as a species when we built these little fortresses, and kicked the animals out.

[mopinko]

12. jessicazi

since i have shamefully hijacked this thread to talk about my dogs, i feel like i should reply to your original post, even though i have no experience remotely like yours to speak from.

i, too, have little armor against emotional pain. without art to pour that into, i would surely implode. so we have that in common. and, as you said, all people fear abandonment. i can tell you that i have been married for almost 25 years, and we have really only over that last 2 years gotten to the bottom of both of our fears about this.
he was raised in a household where there were daily screaming fights that ended with "well, i'm leaving" out of someone's mouth. once, on a camping trip, his dad even left his mom on the side of the road, in the middle of wyoming, in the middle of the night, because she let him sleep for more than the half hour driving turn that he told her to take. he drove for over half and hour before he turned around.
hubby used to end a lot of our fights that way, too. to him it felt like just pulling himself into a safe place. it took some screaming for me to convince him that it was a threat. especially since i was a stay at home mom, dependent on him.
the thing that turned everything around for us was finally loosing fear. he realized that those words were said out of fear. not a desire to leave, but a fear of having to leave. there is more to what happened than that, but that was the most important thing. i had kicked him out, and when he came over to see if he wanted to come back, he said, 'i am not afraid of you any more' everything was different from then on.

i guess i tell you this to encourage you to see what lays on the other side of fear, to maybe give you a tiny bit of courage to go there. and to let you know that everyone does, indeed, fear abandonment, so you should factor in some of that as 'background noise', and not completely a burden that you must always carry because of your trauma.
take care. heal well.

[Deja Q]

16. It takes a great deal of time, but yes... it slowly subsides.

The memory of the event.

There's still a lifetime's worth of issues one has to face as well.

And you're right; it is more difficult to trust.

You need this, from a chap who is also in your position: :hug:

[jessicazi]

17. my former friend

walked out of my life tonight. I trusted her more than I trusted any other. She understood my issues with abuse because she experienced abuse. She promised me she wouldn't walk out of my life and I believed her. Now I don't know that I will ever be able to trust another. I packed up every gift she gave me and left it on her car tonight. I was so hurt I didn't want any reminder of her in my apartment.

I am very depressed and don't know what to do besides down this bottle of wine.

[undergroundpanther]

18. Cats are like potato chips

You get one cat you just gotta have another..
I got three, and these little buds of mine really help.