Introduction

[oceanspirit]

Hi all,
My name is Oceanspirt. I'm new here, and just would like to take the chance to introduce myself, and why i've chosen this forum to do so. I am bipolar. Actually my diagnoses is BP II, with OCD/anxiety and panic with PTSD, and a bunch of other things thrown in for an interesting life. LOL

I was diagnosed six years ago. Before I was diagnosed I was manic as hell. My GP had me on 60mgs of Paxil. As any of you who are BP know, that is not a good thing. Without a mood stabilizer Paxil alone will send you Manic. I was a person I did not know or like. My life was almost destroyed because of it. BP can be inherited. Mine was. I was lucky enough to get it from my grandmother (paternal side). Unfortunately my daughter also is BP. She is unmedicated. Manic as hell as well. She goes manic then crashes. She choses the wrong men to be with. She is in a horrible relationship that she can't seem to get out of. This worries me to know end.

I have two children. My daughter is 24 and my son is 21. I am a 48 year old female. Married for almost 30 years in March. I used to be a moderator on one of the most popular BP boards and chat room. This lasted for almost four years until it overcame my life. I had to leave it behind. I had to refocus on myself. People would call me at all hours of the day and nite. At my job and at my home. I enjoyed helping others with Bipolar. Since my diagnoses it took many years to get the correct cocktail. My med's consist of Neurontin, Paxil, Seroquel, Klonopin. Finally my pdoc found med's that stabilized me. I feel I've been stable for over a year now. I do have break throughs, or break downs if you will. I call them bipolar moments. LOL

This is probably one of the most difficult things I've had to learn to live with. Besides other medical problems I have, I do work a full time job at a large company in my community.

If I can help anyone with bipolar, I'll do all I can for you. I'm incredibly knowledgeable with this illness. I've done all the research. It was part of me trying to learn about my illness.

Thank you for reading my introduction. Feel free to post to me. I'll do all I can to help.

[DemExpat]

1. Welcome, oceanspirit!

I'm sure that your knowledge and experience will be much appreciated here.

I have such admiration for those who handle full-time work and families alongside mental health problems!

I did very well raising my 2 children, and now finishing up University studies that I couldn't handle in my younger years.

:hi:

DemEx

[mopinko]

2. welcome

have a lot of bp in my family. daughter, sister, probably father (long dead).
i wonder the most about what is causing the epidemic in mental illness that i believe we are experiencing.

[oceanspirit]

4. I do believe, that most of it is that we are now getting the education we all need

Mental illness should not be something people are afraid of. This is a subject that I do my damnest to educate those around me. When I was first diagnosed I was afraid to death. I was afraid others would look at me like I was crazy and should be locked up.
After researching BP for many years now, I feel that I can educate others about Mental Illness. It should not be feared. Are we afraid of those who have diabetes? No! So why be afraid of someone who has a chemical imbalance. That is what bipolar is. A chemical imbalance. Something that is not our fault, something that should not be feared.
Yes, we tend to be either more emotional, or more isolated at times than others. That is just part of the illness. For me I get dsyphoric mania. For those of you who dont know what is, it means, that my mania isn't a happy one, it's one of great anger. I hate it when I get like that and I depend on those around me to point it out to me, that I'm either out of control, or just gently remind me of it. I can then, take the course of action I need to help myself.
There are many ways to concur the depression and the mania that we experience. There is music therapy, there is massage therapy, there is aroma therapy, light therapy, etc. Many ways we can help ourselves get through the rough times.
No we will never be cured. At least not in our lifetime, but there is help out there for all of us. WE just have to reach for it. I'm so glad you stop cutting. That is amazing!!!!! You should be so proud of yourself!!!!! I"m proud of you!
In answer to your question, why is it now becoming more prevalent in our society, that all these forms of mental illness are coming to light. The answer is Education!!! Many of our doctors and pdoc's are now educated much better than years ago. Years ago they would just either lock us up in some sort of institution, or drug the hell out of us.
There is so much education out there on Mental Illnesses. www.bipolarworld.net, is just one site to get some great information on all sorts of questions you may have.
Good luck to you with your stability. It means to world to us!!!

Oceanspirit

[mopinko]

21. better diagnosis is not enough to explain the increase.

severe mental illness has been recognized for a long time. you can't really hide schizophrenia. although i guess suicide could/would.
i can't cite a study right now. but people researching childhood bipolar feel that the incidence is rising, and age of onset is decreasing.
it may be degradation of the food supply, as a lot of the physical problems that are skyrocketing, obesity, etc, maybe also be related. the change in the fat profile that leads to extra pounds is implicated in poor nutrition to the brain as well.

[DemExpat]

22. Nutrition and environmental factors in pregnancies

as well as degradation of the quality of our food as you mention - these are IMO the most plausible reasons for these increases.

Breakdown of communities, lifestyles and stress, lack of exercise for kids, too much hanging around in front of tv and computer screens might also have effect.

DemEx

[EFerrari]

3. So good to read you, oceanspirit.

Thank you for being here.

:)

[oceanspirit]

5. Thank you sfexpat

I'm enjoying this forum already. I want to keep the forum going and it's also a good place for me to vent on those bad days and a good place to come on my 'good' days. Lately however, there have been more bad days than good ones. LOL Oh well

[EFerrari]

6. If there are more bad days than good, I stop counting days

and count something else -- moments, things I got down, people I got to talk to.

That may be cheating. :evilgrin:

[oceanspirit]

7. I do stop counting after awhile

The negativity I live with is toxic for me. So I sit and mediate, and just concentrate on something else. I've lived with this for so long, I do know the alternative options I have to make the negativity go away. The toxic people I have to be around during my work day, are poof, all gone once I leave the office. Once I get home to my 'safe zone" I feel better. Does anyone else feel like that? I feel when I get really nervous or depressed, that once I get to my safe zone, I feel better. The only bad part is that I lived that way for so long. I was one of those who had a severe panic and anxiety disorder as well, and also agoraphobia. There were weeks upon weeks that I couldn't leave my house. I would send the kids out to get the mail. I was the best actress. I would come up with a million excuses why I couldn't leave the house. It wasn't until the magic cocktail that my pdoc finally hit on, that I could finally and safely leave the house, and drive. What a wonderful feeling that was. The outside would was amazing!!!! You really can't understand it unless you lived it. I was a prisoner in my own house and in my own body!

Thanks for answering my post. I am so glad to be here. Thanks all!!!!!!!! :)

[DemExpat]

8. Yes, oceanspirit, I also know this prison.

I was so imaginative with my panic disorder that I could have a panic attack at almost ANY thought......

Being inside the house or a vehicle - panic to get out.
Being outside"""""""""""""""""""""" - panic to get in.
Being with people - panic to get on my own.
Being alone - panic attack to be with people.
And many more........

It took this "ludicrous" situation (when I did realize that I could create more and more panic disorder situations) to force me to face what was going on with myself or go completely insane.

It wasn't until I learned the power of my thoughts as triggers to the physical processes of a panic attack (adrenalin rush!) that I slowly started to learn how to defuse them with breathing regularly and using other thoughts. It was a long and arduous process, but I am now panic free in most all of the situations that had me paralyzed in the past.

The sense of freedom of being able to do what was impossible is indescribable!

DemEx

[EFerrari]

9. At first, I used meds but later learned other ways to deal with it

and have been able to be on 1/16 of the meds I started on.

One day, I got to sit at the edge of the Grand Canyon. It was so beautiful and iirc, I cried a little because it was like being let out of a cage. For a while, I could fly, too, as if it was just a bus ride.

I still have some trouble in planes and on bridges but it's so little compared to those early years of panic and confusion. This runs in my family. Apparently, we're adrenalin rich. :)

The thing that helped me the most, imo, was learning the difference between those sudden bursts of adrenalin and what I really thought. Most of the time now I can almost "observe" them without buying into them in my thinking. Practice, practice.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[DemExpat]

10. Absolutely takes practice.....

and of course I still have the same nervous system prone to nervousness and the fight or flight response, but in most cases now I do ward the panic off by all that I have learned and practiced.

I fly, travel by bus and train, go to supermarkets, crowded buildings, walk streets comfortably, eat in restaurants, go the the movies, plays and concerts - all of the things I was kept from by my panic disorder! The only thing I must do to not tax my strength too much is to always sit at the end of a row in a theater or concert: just the idea of getting stuck in the middle of a row in a packed audience makes the idea of having to disturb lots of strangers to get out when I want or need to an added stress and too much overload for me.
Dang, I guess I could practice this as well - take one seat each time from the edge - to be completely "free", but I guess I am happy and grateful enough to be able to even be there - at the end of my row - to enjoy all the good stuff out there! :D

I still carry a few calming pills around with me whenever I am in these, for me, stressful situations, for "just in case", but for 25 years I have not needed to take them.

This runs in my family as well, sfexpat, but after my Mom, most of us kids have dealt with it in varying degrees with great success.

When my daughter was 18 or so she started to experience the beginnings of this physical response to stress (also in busses) which was making her become very insecure about herself. I was also frightened that she was going to develop full blown problems just like mine. But I had her contact a psychiatric nurse who was working for a health care service to help people with panic attacks, panic disorders and hyperventilation, and he worked with her for several months teaching her effective breathing techniques and counseling her with her fears and experiences. This seems to have nipped it in the bud for her, as she has no problems with this anymore for 6 years! But she does take good care of herself healthwise by eating well and avoiding foods which might provoke moods like sugar and alcohol, gets good rest, and has her breathing techniques to fall back on if she feels the feelings and sensations rising.

I am so happy for her, as you can well imagine.

The thing that helped me the most, imo, was learning the difference between those sudden bursts of adrenalin and what I really thought. Most of the time now I can almost "observe" them without buying into them in my thinking. Practice, practice.

Sounds very similar to my learning experience and practice. I even "dare" the panic to come up if I feel it sneaking up inside me, which works well for me and dispels it almost instantly. Other times I observe it and concentrate on my regular breathing into my tummy, and this soothing rhythm stops the adrenalin rush that used to send me into my Hell Hole.


:hug:

DemEx

[DemExpat]

11. Panic, anxiety, phobias......

are a special Hell, IMHO.

:hug:

DemEx

[oceanspirit]

12. Wow Dem

that's amazing. I'm very proud of you for being able to do that. It took me YEARS to be able to come up with coping techniques to ward off my panic and anxiety. Also at first with the help of Ativan I was able to deal with them better, and also the correct med combo along with Paxil, I was able to help overcome most of my panic. that' s not to say it still doesn't try to rear it's ugly head once in awhile, but Yes I am able to fight it off, especially while driving.

I was so paranoid and so anxiety ridden, it was really like being a prisioner in my own house and body. I do know alot of you know how this feels. It's hell is right!!!!!! But today, as I write this, I'm much better. Thank God. I have a wonderful doctor who put up with so much crap from me, that I'm surprised she still has me as a patient.

My biggest obstacle was actually going back to work. I was a stay at home mom for 17 years. While this was great for me and my children, it had it's drawbacks. It just fed the fear I had more and more every day. Like I said it got so bad I would send the kids out to the front yard, while watching them from the picture window or the door to go and get the mail. Now this wasn't every day, but most days. I had a comfort zone in my house, and didn't feel the need to leave it. As my kids got older, I had to get in that car, swallow my fear and drive them 10 miles to school for functions, such as, cheerleading, track, etc. Night time driving was the worst for me. I live in the country so there aren't many street lights, but there are tons of deer running out in front of you. This was one of my worst fears.

I commend you for your transition to being able to get out and use your coping techniques for overcoming your anxiety and panic. Anyone who has experience this knows what were talking about. YEA for DemEX:toast:


OceanSpirit

[DemExpat]

14. Thanks, OceanSpirit,

I can so feel what you went through "stuck" in your home!

Once again, I have deep admiration for those who are able to function at work as well as raise a family, and am so happy that you found an approach that works well for you!

:hug: :toast: to you....

DemEx

[Cobalt Violet]

13. Hi Oceanspirit.

I don't have BP but I do share a very bad experience with a high dose of Paxil. My life was almost destroyed by it as well. This was 6-7 years ago. I don't take anything now. But I don't advocate that for anyone else. We're all individuals. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and meds are really no help.

I lost one of the few real friends that I was able to make in life a few years ago. He was bipolar and suffered a great deal. He ended up killing himself. I meet him back in 83. He was always so encouraging of me as an artist. He had gotten me art shows at art galleries, something that I fail to do for myself due to my avoidant ways. I still draw a ton of encouragement from him and always will. He was an incredible artist himself. I still haven't fully dealt with his not being alive anymore. It such a great loss. I feel for anyone who has BP.

I hope your stability continues. I hope your daughter does get out of that relationship too.

[oceanspirit]

16. Thanks for that Cobalt

I am semi stable today. LOL. Having a few issues with my work place right now, and one of my very best friends is leaving this hellhole. I know human nature is out of sight out of mind. I'm praying this doesn't happen to us. We live however on opposite ends of this city. She basically lives about 50 miles away from me. But, I'm hoping we can at least keep in touch. Then there is the actual stress of this hellhole. It causes me emotional distress at times. Today is one of those times. When I have an extremely draining day the day prior, and I haven't got enough sleep, I am basically a dishrag the next day. An emotional mess. Today all I can do is cry. I look at my girlfriend, as I pass her office and cry. I don't want her to see me do this, cause she has an amazing opportunity to stay at home with her child (3 years old) and raise him. She also is a freelancer so she will be able to pull in work and do it from home. So I'm am just being selfish. I really am happy for her, cause I was able to do this. Despite my illness, which I didn't know at the time I had, I was able to stay at home for 17 years, (good or bad) and raise my children.
I feel bad Cobalt for you and your friend, who no longer is with us. As you've read my bipolar takes many twists and turns by itself. It doesn't need any help from me. LOL

I just went off Seroquel, because my cholesterol is sky and, and my idiot GP isn't concerned about it. Duh, I am you dumb ass. (sorry, see how emotional I can be) I did some research and found out the common thread between a non 12 hour fasting blood test three months ago, and this one I had last week, was a raise in my Seroquel. So bye bye Seroquel. I did not be as so stupid as to stop it suddenly. Been there done that before. BAD BAD mistake. So I tweaked it back little by little, day by day, until I can say today I'm free of Seroquel. Doing this slowly reduces the side effects of withdrawal. I did take two Benadryl to help promote sleep during this time, and that was a big help, so tonite, I'm starting NOT to take the Benadryl and hope sleep will come naturally. I've done it before and I can do it again. It's just programing the mind and the body to go to sleep on it's own. Now I still do take Klonopin and 2400 mgs of Neurontin at nite. That believe it or not is also for my back problem. It was my GP who did some fancy footwork with Neurontin. I have to take 600mgs in the morning with the amazing amount of other med's I take, 600mgs in the afternoon, and 2400 mgs at nite. So I think that helps a little too.

Suicide among BP'ers is high. Especially when you add the fact that alot of us are severely depressed. That would probably fall under BPII. Which is what I am. I suffer greatly from mass depression even though I'm on Paxil. Thank god I'm not on the high dosage that Mr. GP put me on years ago. my pdoc reduced that quickly. I felt better, and she also added mood stabilizing medications to my mix. Help me tremendously.

Well Cobalt feel free to write to me anytime. I know you said your not BP, but sometimes alls we need is someone to talk to. I'd be happy to listen.

Oceanspirit

[Cobalt Violet]

17. Thanks.

It's true that I'm not BP but I am prone to deep depressions so I know what that's like. And I think that no matter what the diagnosis is we all have to deal with the way the world views us. The stigma. We do have quite a bit in common in those ways. I think that's why my friend and I related so well together.

I hope that you can keep in touch with your friend. It's sounds like something worth pursuing.

[oceanspirit]

19. Your so right (Warning, subject material may upset some people)

No matter what the diagnosis is, depression is depression, and it suxs big time. I have such a hard time dealing with it. Not only me, but my family has a real hard time with me when I'm in the brinks of a deep depression. I get scared of myself when this happens, but after four attempts at my life, I've come to the realization that it's just not my time yet. SO, from now on, I've made a real promise to myself that when I get to the point that I might harm myself, I call my pdoc immediately. She knows I'm not kidding. The last attempt was an almost done deal. So, now I take life alot more seriously, but not too seriously. :evilgrin: I've learned to live my life to the fullest each day that I'm here on this earth. My entire life has changed since that awful day. I had no idea what I was even doing. It was really not intensional, but yea, I almost died. No more screwing around with my medication, and alcohol. Too damn dangerous. I'm not talking just a glass of nice wine, no, I drank far more than that, then took every pill in the house I could find. All my old prescriptions that didn't work. I had them laying around, just in case we wanted to try them again. Big big mistake. Life is way to precious to me now. I have my children, my husband, my best girlfriend, and my kitties and my dogs.

Life can be surrounded with so much pleasure if you just look around. Screw the negativity. Screw the people in your life that are so toxic they bring you down. Who needs them. I don't. I finally got rid of a relationship (girlfriend) who was so toxic for me that she had me convinced that there was no such thing as being bipolar, and that it was just a way to grab attention. It's been about 8 months since we've spoken, and I found out that I'm much better off without her. It's better to be alone then to have someone in your life that brings you nothing but toxic negativity into your life.

This is just a small part of what I've been through. I have lots more to share, but that's another time. Hope I didn't upset too many of you.

Oceanspirit

[Pharaoh]

15. Hi Spirit!

I'm to nauseas to chat now, but welcome to DU! :toast:

[oceanspirit]

18. Thanks Pharaoh

Hope you feel better soon Pharaoh:loveya:
Thanks again for the welcome. Hope to chat with you soon.

Oceanspirit

[Pharaoh]

20. Feeling better today thanks

:hug:

Yes you've come to the right forum! And how appropriate that after being on the political forums all day, one can come here because our mental health is in jeopardy just by the world we live in.

So I hope to see you around for many years to come :pals: