Day programmes..

[undergroundpanther]

Fuck. My case manager wants me to attend a day program PRP..
I hope it is cool. The visit I took there a few weeks ago it seemed OK, not many people there.I don't know if any staff have control issues. If they do we will grow to despise one another. I don't want to go through that shit again.So on one level it would be nice to GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. but at what cost?

If I get there and the staff or certain neurotic suck-up clients who play the staff like a tune start whining about my tattoos,my pentagrams, my pierces, my clothes my "threatening" gauntlets, my mowhawk, my gender, my panther tail, My fucking cussing habit goddammit, the fact I am not Christian and don't want to be preached at by some fuck wit 17 year old volunteer fresh from Brigham Young who thought being a psych attendant is a keen way to work for the lord..,but don't get it that proselytizers trigger the fuck outta me, and I would prefer to NOT hear about Jesus. I really I don't give a rats ass about appropriateness, offending christians"feelings" after I tell them to stop because they trigger me, or authority or a 'career' in burger flipping with idiots or some other pointless stress inducing situation I do not want to get into... I really don't want any bullshit outta these people.

I've had enough bullshit from the mental health system to last a lifetime, the stories I could tell.. It would fry your ears off.

Off the top of m,y head, stuff like..Oh, catching program directors embezzling 100,000 bucks from the state,and being kicked out of my housing out of vindictiveness for REPORTING IT to the states attorney..
Staff forcing black clients to get norplant, while not forcing it on whites..ala a eugenics program within the program.
Doctors drugging clients nearly to death.
Busting staff for selling street drugs to clients in MY apartment.
A roommate of mine nearly dying of alcohol poisoning who was with me on a suicide watch unit who lived ONLY because when I got there, after day program, I wondered where he was,and I found him in his room passed out cold with a bunch of empty fifths of vodka. His pulse was fading, and I had to do CPR on him and call 911. All while the staff goofed off in the downstairs office. They came upstairs when the lights of the ambulance got their attention I guess.Than they tried to tell me I was breaking the rules for leaving the apartment to de-stress in the woods outside when the EMTS told me they had to get him sick with ipecac.. Excuuuse me, I am EMETIPHOBIC..JEEzus..People can be fucking stupid.....
Restraining a violent patient myself who was nailing another patient with the heavy end of a pool cue because the staff was too chicken-shit, scared of him to do anything to stop him..Than after I took the asshole's pool cue away and got him in a hold, so he could not move until the cops got there, the cops thanked me. After the cops left staff had the gall to call me into the office and lecture me that I should have not restrained him. Well, he was whopping the guy for ten minutes, until he was bleeding and huddled in the corner and staff just stood there like numb nuts. What was I supposed to do? Let this asshole beat the guy to death with a pool stick?!! The list of the incompetence, and petty sadism, the sheer bullshit I have been through with programs in my life it goes on and on..I have been involved with the system for a long time. I don't relish getting more of the same. This whole idea it brings up alot of bad issues for me.I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't mind any real help they may offer me, I just don't need my mind changed into something else.Behavior mod don't work on me, because I find it degrading. It all pisses me off and more often than not. I can work their program rules around until they are frustrated because they can't do negative reinforcements without breaking their own rules. Than they give up or act out on me.. I'd prefer they'd just treat me with respect, accept me as I am and get over it.
I think being gifted really irks the wannabe BF skinner types.. I might as well be emotionally prepared for it all. Keep my mind open and my guard up..Prepare for the best of worlds that the staff is cool or the worst as in if the staff choose to fuck with me they will regret it.

But if they are cool, it might not be that bad.I haven't been in a decent PRP ever. Every time the asshole staff had it out for me while the cool ones tried to defend me. The penalty of being different, anti authoritarian and intense and refusing to be otherwise I guess. It's just sad really. So I know better than to hold my breath on this one.I don't think ANY of them are what I need.It's like a band aid on a sucking chest wound. All these"programs" act cool when you visit them. It's when you get there and been there for a week,long enough to cause a controversy or piss someone off just by being yourself is when you really find out what the nauseating control issues are with certain staff.

I dunno what to do.I am split on this one. Should I try it awhile, or run away as fast as I can? Any thoughts anyone? I know my therapist will support whatever I decide,despite my case manager.

[mopinko]

1. try it if you think you can grow from it.

i wish you peace, panther. if the program gives you nothing but fear and frustration, why bother? if it gives you a small spot to feel safe and grow, will that be worth the work that it will take you to go? what would your goal be in going there? what would you want? what could they do for you? what will that cost you? is it worth it? only you know.
for what it is worth, i think you should try. but that is easy for me to say.

[DemExpat]

2. Try it awhile.....

you can't find good stuff unless you put yourself out there to see what's to offer.

I do get your reservations, though, I have been through the mill years ago as well.

The trick is to not go there wanting or expecting everybody to be super savvy and just what you need to further your growth, while also not going there expecting the worst, defensive, and ready for a battle.....:silly:.....
ask your case manager - he/she should know if it is too behavior modifying for you. You aren't going there for modification anyway, I'm sure, but what might they be offering?

Do what feels the best for you - maybe your gut tells you after the first visit that its not for you. Maybe some doors will be opened.....

:hug:

DemEx