If depression had an up side, this would be it.

[EFerrari]

Hey, I hadn't realized how depressed I was - duh, that's part of my depression - until I had the thought, "I'm not even going to worry about getting on a plane because I don't care if it goes down." Hmmm. And, I didn't care so I wasn't scared and I even slept on the plane for the first time ever.

A lot of activities sort of stand out to me as being minus anxiety lately. In a way, it's a relief because my chemistry has always tended that way.

The other night, I was watching "Frasier" because I didn't care what was on, and it was a rerun about mourning. Each segment was labeled with one of the "stages" that mourning people go through. And it dawned on me, "Wow, I'm really depressed!" And the next thought was, "Cool! That means I'm moving along!"

And, those "stages" that people talk about are as real to me at the moment as a physical staircase. They really are "there" and I really am "moving along" even if day to day, I don't notice much movement. Most of the time lately, it feels like I'm under a slightly warm, thick blanket. Sleepy, unmotivated, blank at times. Last week, posting the ERD was excruciating and it was the shortest thread I've put up. But, somehow, it got done. Same with most things, and most things get done somehow.

Whatever movement is actually happening must owe a lot to a much lower daily stress level. I've had psoriasis on one elbow for about five years. It's nearly invisible for the first time since the onset. I didn't notice it going away but the other day I touched my elbow and was shocked because it was smooth.

There's some lesson here for me about being refined by or, being clarified by, pain. But, it's also about endurance (which is pain or discomfort over time, right?) and trusting that over time, you can continue. Maybe "trust" is the wrong thing. Maybe this kind of endurance is first fueled by a wish -- which is different than faith and different than trust. Wishing doesn't trust or believe or it wouldn't be wishing. That's okay. I'll take it. It may be a small wish but it's mine and seems to be working hard. lol

Maybe I should watch "Frasier" more often.

:grouphug:

[Pharaoh]

1. Yeah Liz

I've been having a bout of it myself these days,
but it is pretty much par for the course that it gets worse in the dead of winter.

I often suffer for weeks and even months before I semi wake up and go :wtf: I'm pretty depressed.

sleepy , unmotivated, blank at times I could also add sometimes I just don't give a shit as one loses interest in outcomes. I'm not up on all the DU lingo, what is ERD?

Big squishy hugs back at ya.....:hug:

[Pharaoh]

2. purged

[hunter]

3. Wow, the last time I flew was exactly like that.

Oh well, this is it, the end of my world. Everyone on the airplane, my family included, is going to end up as finely chopped and cooked fish food.

Of course it didn't turn out that way. Back home, after a safe and uneventful landing in San Francisco, all my anxieties and obsessions returned with a vengeance. I was not fit to live with.

[EFerrari]

5. I can relate. Sometimes the whiplash from a stressful event

like flying is worse than the event itself. :(

[mopinko]

4. i have wanted to go in a plane crash ever since

that plane that blew up over miami, 10 or 15 years ago. a quick end, and immediately recycled into the everglades. gator food. i want to go as gator food.

[EFerrari]

6. I've never thought of myself as an actual meal.

LOL!

[mopinko]

7. better gators than worms.

for me, anyway. if i don't go that way, my directions are to cremate me and put my in the compost pile.

[CoffeeCat]

8. Wow...

I find that interesting, because I would think that a plane crash would be a
very horrendous way to go. The final moments would be sheer terror.

I know a guy who told several people that if he had to go, he wanted to go in a plane
crash. Coincidentally, he died in a plane crash a few months ago.

Needless to say, his friends and family--with whom he shared his plane-crash thoughts--
were a bit shocked.