Dealing with a harsh reality...

[CoffeeCat]

I'm having a tough time right now--and I need to emote.

For three years, I worked hard in therapy to overcome childhood sexual abuse. I found some solid ground during the
past year year as I built a nice life--surrounded by friends, activities, hobbies and my loving
husband and two dear children.

This past week, something happened that converted my solid ground into quicksand. I told my story--once
again--to the police. I got my hopes up that finally--someone would be held accountable for the
horrendous trauma that was perpetrated on me. The meeting with the police was about another matter,
but I ended up being interrogated about the sexual abuse for almost three hours. The solid ground that
became quicksand--felt like it was swallowing me whole.

I came completely unglued during the interrogation. I was brutally honest and I had to re-live it all---hoping that honesty
and openness would finally bring some smidgen of justice. Not indictments. Not arrests--but just
some glimmer of justice.

Tonight I'm grieving that I will NEVER have justice. I'm crying like a baby at the loss. It looks like
all of my honesty was in vain. I'm grieving that my solid ground was really a fragile thin layer.
I thought I had moved on, but underneath that layer was hope--and a longing for justice and validation---two
things that will NEVER, EVER arrive for me.

I am totally alone with my story of abuse. My perpetrators are respected and admired. No one wants
to take this on--let alone make someone accountable. It's seems unfair--to be stripped of so much
at such a young age---and then need so much strength in adulthood to mop up the mess that someone
else created in your own mind.

I have to learn how to survive and thrive in this new reality. It hurts.

I hope I can find some peace with this. Thanks for listening

[Random_Australian]

1. I just wanted you to know that I'm listening.

And that if I were near you, I would give you a hug for your troubles.

:hug:

:pals:

[CoffeeCat]

4. Thanks for the hugs...

...and for listening too. :)

:hug:

[DemExpat]

2. I can only hope that you come through this last re-living of it all

to an even stronger, more stable ground, TwoSparkles.

After my years of therapy when something like this happened I would go back to my therapist - or another counsellor - for a few sessions to talk and cry things through again. It helps having this kind of support in rough times.
These times pass as well in my experience, so please enjoy your loving family, friends, and especially, your precious children, who all also support you unconditionally even if they have no idea of what you are going through.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[CoffeeCat]

5. Thanks so much...

...your post made me tear up a bit.

It's true...our children may not understand what we're enduring AND they love us
unconditionally through it all. This helps me to stay grounded, and to understand
that there is life beyond this abuse. Sometimes it seems to consume me, when I'm
feeling all of these emotions. My kids are so carefree and joyful--and they remind
me that life IS good--and that I just have to work through the tough stuff.

So thanks for reminding me of that. :hug:

I am seeing my therapist again. I saw him for three years, and have been out of
therapy for a year. I see him again in a week. I know he will help me.

Thanks again for the vision of being on "stronger, more stable ground". It's
just so hard to see your way out of these hurtful intense emotions and memories,
and it's very healing when someone reminds you that there can be stable ground
once again.

Truly--thank you! :)

[DemExpat]

8. You're most welcome.

:grouphug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

3. I think the truth is very hard to hide. And today, one or more

people know the truth because you were brave.

(((((((((((((TwoSparkles))))))))))))))

[CoffeeCat]

6. Thanks for the reminder that I was brave...

...I really need to remember that talking to the police was a brave thing.

One of my perps was a police officer (in the same department where my investigators
were from. They know him!). I was punished for "telling" when I was young, and
I had a lot of fear going into this interview. However, I did it anyway--despite
the fear--which consumed me.

It's difficult to see past the fact that justice won't be served, but you remind
me that I have to look at what I HAVE done. I didn't keep quiet. I came forward,
despite great obstacles.

As my therapist said, "You gave this information to the universe and you have to let
it go now and work on your life". I think that is so true. I can't control what
the police do, or what decisions are made from a law-enforcement point of view.

They have my statement. I do feel a sense of accomplishment about this, because
if another victim comes forward, they will not be alone with these accusations.

Thanks sfexpat for replying. :hug:

[EFerrari]

7. So much my pleasure.

:hug:

[mopinko]

9. don't know what to say or add, except-

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
and yes, it was a very brave thing to do. just speaking the words takes guts, let alone talking to cops.
:yourock: :yourock:

[CoffeeCat]

10. Thanks...

...I really needed to hear that.

When you're so close to a situation, it's important to remember things in context.

I think I did a very brave thing. However, I did cry through most of it. I came
away feeling as if I made a fool of myself. I really broke down. I was crying
so hard during some of it, that I could barely speak.

I'm doing better now. I was really circling the drain for a while. I have tons
of fear issues that emerge when I "tell". I was punished for telling (and that's putting
it lightly).

After I tell, I always have several days of complete self doubt and fear. I walked around
with a tennis racquet in my hand--prepared for battle if my perps attempted to come and
get me. One of my perps was a police officer--in the same department as the cops who
interviewed me last week! So...there's a great deal of fear.

I'm doing better...slowly ramping up. Thanks for your kind words...it really helps.

[undergroundpanther]

11. Two Sparkles

you rawk/ you are gutsy!
And remember if you are not the squeamish type there are always spiritual ways to kick a perpetrators arse royally.
There is no shame in HATING the perpetrator that hurt you .And screaming out in your own space all the hurt,anger and for your need for justice to be done, until it rings the ears of the goddess herself into action.. It's not bad to wish hard enough that a perpetrator be held accountable..to move unseen realities to cause an "unfortunate accident".Better known as a curse.


I know the guilt trippers and fearful will scream karma..but the cause was not your doing.. you feel effects of it that 'karma' is not yours it must go to the ass who caused it. Sometimes to stop an effect,you need to become a dakini, a force of karma yourself, to become a counter- cause metaphycically... to be the opposite reaction that restores balance in the aether's that just might if you trust your own capacity to be a force of spiritual justice,rain down some metaphysical justice by magick upon this assholes head.Where laws of humans cannot help you the claws of spirit can and often will help you beautifully.

It works for me.At best the piece of shit's life is destroyed. At least it's not MY burden to carry anymore because I gave it back to the cause that caused it and a perpetrator cannot run on luck and be insulated by social position forever..Spirit has a way of doing things we to be done that we cannot do.

[undergroundpanther]

12. sparkles

you rawk and you are gutsy!
And remember if you are not the squeamish type there are always spiritual ways to kick a perpetrators arse royally.
There is no shame in HATING the perpetrator that hurt you .And screaming out in your own space all the hurt,anger and for your need for justice to be done, until it rings the ears of the goddess herself into action.. It's not bad to wish hard enough that a perpetrator be held accountable..to move unseen realities to cause an "unfortunate accident".Better known as a curse.


I know the guilt trippers and fearful will scream karma..but the cause was not your doing.. you feel effects of it that 'karma' is not yours it must go to the ass who caused it. Sometimes to stop an effect,you need to become a dakini, a force of karma yourself, to become a counter- cause metaphycically... to be the opposite action that restores balance in the aether's that just might if you trust your own capacity to be a force of spiritual justice,rain down some metaphysical justice by magick upon this assholes head.Where laws of humans cannot help you the claws of spirit can and often will help you beautifully.

It works for me.At best the piece of shit's life is destroyed. At least it's not MY burden to carry anymore because I gave it back to the cause that caused it and a perpetrator cannot run on luck and be insulated by social position forever..Spirit has a way of doing the things we need to be done that we cannot do in materiality land.

[CoffeeCat]

13. Thanks undergroundpanther---

Thanks for your support and encouraging words.

I appreciate what you're saying about the perps being held accountable. I agree, it is ok
to have loads of anger toward them. Anger is healthy and it signals that we understand that
that we are worthy, precious beings who didn't deserve to be abused.

As strange as it sounds, I do not wish harm to my perpetrators. I processed a great deal of
anger during my first stages of recovery. When the rage was gone and the sadness processed--it
was as if I broke the "trauma bond" that kept me emotionally intertwined with my perpetrators.

I still have loads of emotion about the abuse--but I understand now that I'm in control of my
healing, and not still stuck in the abuse. My recent pain is about my PTSD being kicked up.
It seems that this situation triggered me into a painful place--and I find myself re-learning
my healing all over again.

Processing the feelings and learning a great deal about abuse--helped me to understand that the
abuse had NOTHING to do with me. It was about them. This is their deal. It's their shame. Their
crimes. Their sickness. Since sexual abuse carries a great deal of shame, guilt and second-guessing
for the victim--I worked through that and was able to see that they OWN THIS STUFF.

In effect, I washed my hands of it. However, I'm still repairing the damage. I'm still trying to
manage the PTSD and learn/grow from this experience. That's my focus.

I believe that perpetrators are cursed. Survivors go from denial--->processing the pain---->growth
and healing. Many perpetrators stay in denial and they fester in their own private hell. They
offend others, they stay emotionally clamped down and they become what they hate the most. Their
self loathing must be immeasurable. I cannot even imagine the powder keg of anxiety, guilt
and unhappiness that they carry around. That is their punishment, in my opinion. They won't
heal or live an authentic life--and they live the rest of their lives stuck in trauma and creating
more of it. If that's not hell on Earth, I don't know what is.

However, there is the issue of justice.

Telling my story and talking with the police is about gaining justice and reaching out to other victims.
Right now, telling offers me no peace because my perps have convinced the world that they are fine, upstanding
citizens. I'm gaining no benefit--but I hope that someday coming forward helps another victim. But right now, it's
my word against theirs and they are skilled at turning my words against me and positioning me as the horrible person
who is lying. However, as I heal and try to distance myself from their sick drama--and realize that their opinion
is absolutely irrelevant and sick---I can allow their denial and their continued abuse of me to wash over me.

I still feel vulnerable when I tell, because I have no proof of abuse and I risk ridicule. However, maybe--in
the future--being brave and being honest will pay off in some way. Maybe it will help to get justice--or maybe
it will not change anything on the outside world---but it will help me to heal.

I'm slowly learning to be strong--and to realize that I can move forward toward justice, honesty and
healing---even though they kick and scream and attempt to re-abuse me and hurt me further.

I'm trying. So hard.

I appreciate your thoughts and your sense of outrage about abuse. Everyone should be as outraged.

I hope you are doing well. :hug: :)

[Deja Q]

14. Our world will never be about justice.

I think it's about coping with the injustice others bestow.

[undergroundpanther]

15. You got that right hypno

But..I choose to be just,and do what my sig line says...
Thou shall not be a victim, thou shall not be a perpetrator, and above all, thou shall not be a bystander...
And when I do that walking of my talk ,I become an example and agent of justice itself.
Sekhmet is my favorite goddess/spiritual mother for a reason..
Sekhmet, whose name means The Powerful One was the Goddess of divine retribution, justice, vengeance, and war. She was also called Powerful of heart, She who traveles in lightening,She who appears as a man,Protector of the heart, Avenger of Wrongs, She who reduces them to silence or..the One Before Whom Evil Trembles.

Justice in balance is Maat.Maat manifested is Sekhmet in just action is the truth the wisdom of Maat.Ta'MaatSekhmet.