Unraveling...

[SPKrazy]

at every turn it seems. I have become more and more restless, I don't sleep well. I am having neuropathy and have now been given meds for that on top of my paxil 25/day and .25 mg klonipin/bid... I am anxious, frustrated as hell.

I have numerous psychosocial stressors, and a pretty well documented biochemical depression with anxiety...

In 2002 I tried to quit my meds and did okay for about a month and then became preoccupied, make that obsessed that I was "dying" of cancer. I look back and cannot figure out how the logic was there, but I was sure of it. I would obsess, and cry, and think about how my son would make it... I even had some what I would call paranoia where I became frightened of people for no apparent reason. I spent a couple of days in the hospital. I was put on much higher doses of Klonipin and started on the paxil then. They tapered me off the Klonipin to the dose I'm on now and put me on low doses of Inderal. I had to stop my allergy injections because of the Inderal, but at the time I didn't give a shit, I wanted to stop feeling like I was on the verge of losing it. The meds finally worked. I did pretty well for several years. I gained weight, but also have lost weight now. (although more would be nice) My mother (not coincidentally to my symptoms at all) was dying of ovarian cancer, and she finally died in October 2005. She had made 3 goals her priorities: 1) to see her only grandson start kindergarten; 2) to turn 70 years old; 3) to celebrate her 50th anniversary. She did all three. I was able to see her the week before she died and she was still fairly lucid most of the time. I had become fairly close to her, and her death has been hard on me. So I'm trying to give a little background here, bear with me.

Last spring, early summer, I started working out a lot, and I started losing weight. I also started dealing with sexual compulsivity issues that I hadn't dealt with completely before then. As I dealt with those, worked out, and started to feel stronger, I realized that I'd been hiding in a hole. That hole consisted of my marriage which had become pretty much of a sham. No sex, no intimacy, no relationship. The sexual compulsivity was both a contributor and a symptom of those problems. So things continued on and I decided that we either needed to separate right then, or start marriage counseling. We did the latter. I then made a decision to move to the spare bedroom. I did that in December of last year. We are still in marriage counseling with no resolution of our problems even under discussion. We are both seeing therapists individually. I've discovered or re-discovered that I was abused in a secondary way sexually, and emotionally (different situations and people) at age 12. I realize that my problems with sexual compulsivity started at that time as well. So we are addressing my 12 year oldedness. It's hard for a 12 year old to have a wife, they don't go well together. So I'm trying to drag this 45 year old body, with a 45 year old intellect, and a 12 year old's emotional skills along and work, take care of my son, provide for my family, etc. etc. etc. In other words live life on life's terms. Did I mention I'm also a recovering alcoholic and addict? So, I'm taking my meds, doing my therapy, and my life is still unraveling. The common denominator is unfortunately the fact that I spend my waking life on my computer (as I am now) so I'm starting something new. I'm now limiting my computer use. Taking a break from posting in "the lounge" and on any forums that aren't about getting better. I also need to focus my life on getting rest. Dealing with this neuropathy for which I start Physical therapy for next week. I see a neurosurgeon in a month.
So I'm stumbling along just trying to make my life work, one step at a time.

During this period over the last few months I've had at least some passive suicidal thoughts. Wishing I were dead kind of thing. Situationally related to events in my life.

I also got in trouble at work in December for my internet use at work and had my internet privileges suspended. I have had them reinstated but have not used the internet at work since December and my job has been much better and my ability to do my job has improved 90%. There have been a lot of frustrations there as well.

So I believe I am mostly over stressed, having some recurrence of depression and anxiety. Having medication related depressant effects. Dealing with recovery from multiple dependencies, and now making an effort to control my computer use.

In other words, I'm a fucking mess, but I'm feeling a little bit of hope as I write this.

My hope is that I will turn some of this energy from the rest of my computer use slowing down, and the rest, into more creative endeavors, and into taking more clear cut action on what needs to happen in my marriage. I can't live in the back room forever, that is insane.

So I thank you for the opportunity to post here. I've posted in this forum before.

[EFerrari]

1. Hello, Southpawkicker.

:hug:

eom

[SPKrazy]

2. Thanks friend

:hug:

[mopinko]

3. welcome back, friend.

you've had me a little worried, being the king of the lounge there. not to dog you, but i know avoidance when i see it. and the papering over of pain with happy talk.
i really hope for you that you can get your family straightened out. you can't move together if one or both of you have one foot out the door. i have no idea what your issues are, but i feel the need to remind you that you didn't have cancer. if your wife has stuck with you this long, she sounds to me like she is worth keeping.
there is joy in the vanquishing of fear and pain. go get it. you might need to find the right meds for that, but i think you can do it.
take care. keep moving. and don't be too hard on yourself about the very human desire for an end to pain, or to hide from it.

[SPKrazy]

4. Ain't avoidance grand!

We'll see what can be done on our issues. Not avoiding them with whatever is a good start to see what is there.

Yeah, 20K posts in the short amount of time I've been here is a good sign that I've lost balance in my life. I can laugh about it, and probably still will, but the truth is that it is pure avoidance in it's latest form.

Thanks mopinko

I don't always like hearing what you have to say, but I always respect it because you don't feed me bullshit and tell me it's chocolate!

:hug: (I mean that last statement in the most endearing way one can say it!)

[mopinko]

6. that's what friends are for.

and i have so been there myself.
:hug: :hug:

[EFerrari]

5. You can have my avoidance when you pry it out of my clammy

anxious hands. :)

[mopinko]

7. well.

it's not without its benefits. true.

[EFerrari]

8. In the time-space continuum, it's something to hang onto when

you have more time than space.

More seriously, I've been noticing a little better every day what my own avoidance looks like. If that energy went into baking cookies, I could be Mrs. Fields by now.

[mopinko]

10. you are right, of course.

there are far worse ways to combat your angst than finding a community to hang on to.
but i am with you on that whole what if part. i find myself always fighting other people's battles, while my own, like say, a career, simmer on the back burner.

[EFerrari]

11. I wonder if there isn't some way we could bend that ability

like bending light, into a career.

When I was a teacher, someone showed me on a pie chart that learning via other folks was a way that many of us learn. :)

[DemExpat]

9. Do what you know you have to do.....

In other words, I'm a fucking mess, but I'm feeling a little bit of hope as I write this.

My hope is that I will turn some of this energy from the rest of my computer use slowing down, and the rest, into more creative endeavors, and into taking more clear cut action on what needs to happen in my marriage. I can't live in the back room forever, that is insane.

That is "all" any of us can do, and this is challenge enough for so many of us with conflicting and changeable feelings, impulses, and goals!

I hope you feel better soon, because, by your post with all of its agony and addictive behaviors I do detect your sense of purpose underneath, and your attempts to find your way out of your mess....

In my experience, just writing it all down, throwing it all out there on "paper" helped me tremendously.

edit: Oh yes, and about unraveling - unraveling can be very good in some circumstances, because it often can be the unraveling of the avoidance (and protective) behaviors that keep our problems in tact, so, this can be a very good sign - also in my experience.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:grouphug:

DemEx

[SPKrazy]

12. Unravelling can have the effect

of getting down to the core

and then putting things back together better I suppose

agony and addictive behaviors. the story of my life. some day i'd like to realize that i haven't acted on addictive urges for many, many days.

Today, I've not acted on the latest addictive urges I have had for over a month now.

Yet, I would to have that back sometimes, without the pain that attends.

thanks

:hug:

[EFerrari]

14. When I was little, on payday my mom used to buy me a treat.

It was what looked like a doll's head made out of corn husks. You had to find the loose thread and pull. It would unravel -- which was in a way disturbing! -- but, there were treats in the middle. Little miniature toys and some candy.

lol

:hug:

[Blue_Roses]

13. So much of what you write about...

is exactly what I've been experiencing in my marriage over the past few years. My husband has many demons from his childhood that are slowly eating away what little we have left of a marriage. Your story sounds so much like his. He has been diagnosed with ADHD (I have ADD too) but doesn't stay on his meds. He also has issues with his father--and silently, with his mother too. He was in foster care for four years of his childhood due to abuse and abandonment at the age of 13. He has 7 brothers and sisters--from three different fathers. We recently moved back to Texas, with his job, from Arkansas and even though it was tough in Arkansas, we at least were away from his mother. Since being back in Texas (we live only 30 minutes from her--ugh!) he has tried to reconnect to her like he's 12 again. He lives in a "Leave it to Beaver" fantasy world and tries to shove all his old memories (the bad ones) under the rug. He says, "it's in the past and I've forgiven mom." Well, as his wife, I haven't. Her lifestyle reeked havoc on 8 children. Eight children who STRUGGLE each day to make sense of their lives. They now have children of their own and even though they try not to past their baggage on, it still happens.

I came from a different upbringing--totally opposite. My father was overbearing, but loving and so was my mother. (that in it itself has given me issues, but that's another story) I never had to worry about a roof over my head, nor where my next meal would come form--unlike my spouse. I even majored in Social Work to try to help people, so I guess I had this stamped on my forehead when I met my husband! However, it didn't help us.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I often feel so alone in what I go through with my spouse. I know I'm not, but not talking about it does bring much isolation and depression. Many times we've (mainly me) talked about divorce, but I have two children who would miss their father desperately. He does love them with all his heart.

So much more to this, but thank-you, seriously, thank-you for sharing your story. You have been given a great gift whether you see it now or not. There are those of us who need to have someone open up the floodgates to our silent death of depression and loneliness with just a few simple words:I know exactly how you feel. I feel that you do. :)

Hope to talk to you again:)

[SPKrazy]

15. Thanks BR

It means a lot to have someone say that a) they relate; and b) that my words are helpful. Mostly because I feel so much of the time like I'm just lost. I'm trying to make things better, I'm not passing the test well, but I'm trying to just "be" and not be hard on myself because things are what they are.

So thanks!

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

16. Updating:

Quick check in here:

a) not doing so well on the staying off the computer as much. I felt that I had good motivation and momentum, then
b) at our marriage counseling my wife brought up the fact that she'd been reading my posts on DU for some time and that there was an incongruency in what I said IRL and what I said on DU. (her opinion) So that left me thinking about what she has said and the reality is that what I say on DU about her and about how I feel may not be 100% the way I feel, but closer than what I've said to her. So my goal now is for a more congruent message. The IRL needs to be on the same page as the cyber me.

I also think that my anger at her "intrusion" in my opinion tantamount to spying, (yes it's a public forum, and yes she knew that I posted there-- I felt it was my place to share things.) I realize that one cannot share things about someone in their life and know that it won't get back to them one way or the other in any context. So I'm dealing with the hand I've bee dealt. I have been on DU quite a bit the past few days. I've done so out of a rebelliousness and probably again as my friend mopinko says, out of avoidance.

I'm not the "king of the lounge" but I do like to go there. It is a great way for a champion avoider to avoid his feelings and to stay away from reality.

thanks

SPK

[SPKrazy]

17. Update 4/23-Panic setlling in

Today things at work are not going well as our psychiatrist (work in a geri psych unit) has decided to ask for more money in order to admit patients more often during the month than just when he is on call. (He used to admit every day or when his partner was on he took off, his partner is gone and now he is in my mind extorting us for money) So today he is on call. The last 6 days he wasn't we had people trying to get in every day. They were put on a waiting list. Today the people who were on the waiting list have all found help elsewhere (I hope they did) and so we have no one to admit but 2 to discharge and our census is low, and going lower. Now if no one is admitted today there won't be another day he admits until next Monday. But if the hospital were to give him $XX he would go ahead and cover all of the days of the month and admit. There is some ethical and questionable legal problems with this. A quid pro quo appearance at least.

It is infuriating, anxiety provoking, and a bit unsettling to say the least.

Also marital counseling today and that is anxiety provoking along with a visit from my dad.

Just using this like some kind of a journal so to speak to keep the forum updated for anyone who is interested.

thanks

[EFerrari]

18. Fwiw, the years I posted about my own and my family situation

to my on line support group were invaluable to my understanding of both as well as my ability to cope and to learn and to let off steam in a safe place.

Just the practice "verbalizing" was worth the time I spent doing it. And my friends offered many suggestions that were useful; it was my good fortune that they were there for me and so generous in extending themselves.

Some members in my group did have a concern about being spied on and we worked with that. To my knowledge, the group was not used to triangulate or as a substitute for family members speaking to each other. More often, it was a place to practice so that the RL conversation would go as well as possible.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[mopinko]

20. we all need connection. i envy your fan club in the lounge.

let me say that one more time- WE ALL NEED CONNECTION. i think that online communities are filling a lot of holes in a lot of lives and that is all good. maybe the support you get here is helping you to cope. maybe the connections here are helping you cope in ways that are helping your family.
to mrs spk- and to you- i think that the hardest thing in relationships is honesty. you know that. be grateful that your mrs found a keyhole to look through, to see that side of you. i don't think that it is a completely "accurate" picture. we try to make allies, we try to puff ourselves up, we hide our fears. she shouldn't feel like this is the real you. it is just another side of you, that maybe you ought to show her. maybe it is a measure of your attachment to her that you would hide that from her. i don't know. honesty is hard, and fucking complicated. don't be mad. deal with it. deal with the reality. don't beat yourself up for looking for connection. but do swallow hard, face it, and keep trying. it is hard. but it's all any of us can do.
glad you consider me a friend. it is an honor.

[astral]

19. Thanks for sharing your stuff

I clicked on the "unraveling" topic because I felt that word applied to how I feel. But you have alot more going on than I do. And the mixed-bag of benefits prescriptions drugs can offer. I too, use the computer to distract myself from facing reality. I too, have tried to tell myself this shake-up in my life is good for me, forces me to pick up the pieces and put them to gether differently.

Not ready yet! Still not running around packing up my pathetic pile of packrat stuff, most of which has to LEAVE MY LIFE.

Still sitting at the computer thinking about one more cup of coffee before bed.

The sex problems thing? Heck, I don't even try to have a relationship in my life anymore due to that, partly. Sex drive is a requirement in a relationship, and most of the time I just couldn't muster one up. It's nobody's fault, but you know what? With no partner in my life I don't have to worry about having a sexual dysfunction. It doesn't affect anybody else now. Probably a sick way of looking it, but oh well that's where I am at right now.

I understand the feeling of the futility of life that takes over some time, or tries to. I need to face "Today" too, head-on, but I feel like starting tomorrow . . . . procrastination isn't going to hurt anybody but me.

I am also substituting addictions here, since I don't drink anymore I am a bonafide, practicing, Coffee-holic! And if the last cup didn't take care of the churning inside me, well, hey, the next cup will! . . . . . or at least it will let me push things away from myself for Just One More Evening.

But we have to hit the lows to truly appreciate it when we have the highs . . . I don't intend to take anything for granted anymore when I get through this phase of my life.