not sure what this is, or how to deal with it

[NoodleBoy]

just need a little advice... basically, for some reason, I'm resistant to change. not like typical liberal-conservative stuff, I'm most comfortable when NOTHING changes at all, and I unknowingly do things to try to make that impossible situation happen.

for instance, it's always been a problem of mine at school. for some reason I don't want the demands put on me by classwork to alter my routine--at all--so I somehow distract myself into not doing it. the things I do while I distract myself are things that never change, or barely change.

it's completely gotten in the way of many papers I've needed to write... I can feel myself not wanting to read the book (because that's change) and not writing the paper (because that's change), and now every time a semester ends I get really bad migraine headaches because I know things are going to change, and I don't like it.

it's so weird... I've felt this way my entire life, even going back to being a little kid, I remember getting upset if everything was quiet and someone spoke because it meant that moment changed, even down to disliking when my family would put gas in the car because it meant something changed. I'm so messed up.

[DemExpat]

1. Yes, I can relate to this.

Other than becoming a parent, which forced me to let go of this resistance to change or else create some very neurotic children, I got great solace and tips to try to see things in another perspective through meditation and books on the subject, also some New Age books in the 80's on "going with the flow", etc. Learning to feel safer, less vulnerable, and not to see all change as an onslaught on any safety one tries ot latch onto. I think as little kids some of us are much more sensitive to having a predictable and safe environment. Have you ever read the book "The Highly Sensitive Person"? Good reading there IMO.


No need to put yourself down for experiencing things this way - just observe and try to change your reaction in little daily steps. Maybe take little steps to create change yourself, so that you are not always the more passive object of the verb of changing processes and circumstances. The other extreme of this fear, of course, is trying to control everything by being a control freak over other people's actions!
Look for some balance.

Also finding interests that really inspire you help to get over passivity and become more proactive. School work is not always the most inspiring to us.........

In my youth I quit all of the studies that I started. Now, after raising my kids, I'm finally completing my dream of following a study that interests me, and in 5 months I'm done.


:hi:

DemEx

[NoodleBoy]

2. thanks

I was more of the control-freak type in high school, but again it was usually through little things I'd unknowingly do, like try to make people have the same interests as me. I never thought the two would be connected.

I'm going to try to balance things. It's just great knowing I'm not the only one who goes through this.

[EFerrari]

3. This has been happening to me for the last 8 months or so.

And, it feels weird to me, too, but there it is.

But I notice that if I break changes down into increments, it's much easier and then, it's okay.

For example, I have to go to a district pretty far from my house to do some business. I haven't found a way to do it. I don't want to pay a cab, can't force myself onto the public transit because the business is unpleasant and I don't want to think about it for an hour, and don't want to drive there. Don't want to ask a friend to ferry me. I'm so not used to these cul de sacs. :wtf:

So, this week, I found a reason to drive to two points in between my house and the place I can't get to. And I did, and nothing bad happened, and I found parking and the next little bit is, I'll go take care of my business. Breaking down steps that feel too big is a good tool, imho. :)

[undergroundpanther]

4. Wow, I got the opposite problem

I change constantly I am always in flux.
My hair color,my gender,what color tail I wear, beliefs.Which person is out. I am in a constant real-time update changing all the time.I have found by "solid ground" the order in this chaos by asking myself which boundaries are essential to me and which really don't matter in the bigger scope of things And enforcing them. Just letting the non essentials be unimportant helps you let go bit by bit.Once I figured all that out,I changed,and I embraced it and I go with it,and I am not afraid of changes,I actually love the differences and flavors,of most experiences . I like dancing in the chaos and I can do it without it overwhelming me anymore.It can be liberating to give up control over stuff that really does not matter. Step by step..this site might help.
http://www.inclusion.com/artlearninghow.html

( Having and enforcing those few essential boundaries enables me to let go/change without fear)..but..when things stay static for too long I get bored. It seems like when things are too static for a long time it feels like being in a sensory deprivation tank,and according to people who test this sort of thing, people will get kinda crazy in isolation tanks in about a 24 hours.

This is because nothing in the tank changes. Nothing changes to stimulate the person's senses.So the senses stimulate themselves,in a sorta psychotic like way that if it goes on too long it can hurt your brain physically. You can learn alot about what lurks in your subconscious by isolating in that kind of way,looking into yourself. But it's not for the faint of heart.

I spent 18 months in an isolation room, Like this room below. But smaller and with nothing in it but a mat on the floor and a big metal heavy duty locking screen on the window that made it pointless to look through it.

So I think I've had my fill of SS DD.And one thing I found something very strange happened after all that isolation, when I was let out of that room ,I noticed everything was more vivid changes were so everywhere like my senses were drinking it all in..and it was not overwhelming at all.
http://www.core77.com/mackay/
..So I shake things up.On purpose.Fill in the blank spaces with colors,Just to keep my wits about me. I am strange...

"We need to escape from the deterministic influence of the point, circuit and torus attractors into the unpredictability of the Strange Attractor. This attractor is the basis of Self Organization. There is no apparent order at all to the actions of the Strange attractor. On the surface it appears to be pure Chaos, but nevertheless there is order of a subtle kind which only appears over time when looked at in the right perspective. Its analogy in consciousness is the willing function. Yet, when tied to Awareness - the Zero - it is spontaneous, unpredictable. It appears to be chaotic, yet it has order of a subtle, fractal kind."

Click this next link below but I'll warn you there is a gorgeous changing fractal graphic on the site's front page.And this site might help you see the organization that is inside change make it less scary.
http://www.fractalwisdom.com/FractalWisdom/index.html

And I dedicate this song to you.

Ramon by Laurie Anderson

Last night I saw a host of angels
And they were all singing different songs
And it sounded like a lot of lawn mowers
Mowing down my lawn
And up above kerjillions of stars
spangled all over the sky
And they were spirals turning
Turning in the deep blue night.

And suddenly for no reason
The way that angels leave the ground
They left in a kind of vortex
Traveling at the speed of sound.

And just as I started to leave
Just as I turned to go
I saw a man who'd fallen
He was lying on his back in the snow.

Some people walk on water
Some people walk on broken glass
Some just walk round and round
in their dreams
Some just keep falling down.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
Cause we don't know where we come from
We don't know what we are.

And you? You're no one
And you? You're falling
And you? You're traveling
Traveling at the speed of light.

[hunter]

6. It's my nature to be very resistant to change.

As a kid I could turn into a little kicking flailing screaming monster over the most trivial sorts of changes.

When I was in third grade I heard about one-room schoolhouses -- with one teacher, from first grade to twelfth grade -- and I WAS PISSED OFF that I couldn't be in such a place. The transition from elementary to junior high school was a great trauma for me, and it didn't help that I was tortured by bullies because I was weird and very reactive.

The things that saved me from being a housebound recluse were my obsessions with creepy crawly things and electric power lines. Those two obsessions eventually transformed themselves into useful intellectual pursuits that often required a greater than usual ability to tolerate change.

When you are putting yourself out in the field in places you've never been before you can't let the ever-changing surroundings overwhelm you.

I used to be particularly fussy about clothes, and maybe I still am, because I still wear things until they are rags. In school I would have worn the same clothes every day if I could have, and there was nothing anyone could do to get me to take my shoes off except at bedtime, and even then I wore socks. I hated getting fitted for new shoes more than I hated getting my hair cut. My poor mom and the poor barbers and shoe salesmen who had to deal with me...

Then I started doing biology and geology field work, the kind of stuff where if you have to cross water you take off all your clothes and hold everything above your head, and if you have to use the restroom, well, there are no restrooms.

After a few days of digging in the dirt and pushing through the brush, you must have some very strong inhibitions NOT to go skinny dipping at the first opportunity. After I graduated from high school my resistance to changes began to boil off at a furious rate.

There are still things I loathe, I HATE flying and it takes all the self-discipline I can muster not to run screaming out of an airplane before they shut the door, but most other sorts of changes I find very interesting, especially when the alternative is something I consider mundane.

My list of things that "don't matter," the chaos I dance in, is still expanding. Maybe I should be a little more concerned about things like money, or how other people perceive me, but I always worry that if I start doing that again I'll fall back into the black hole it was so difficult for me to crawl out of.

[stillcool]

5. What you describe reminds me...

I used to want a pair of cement shoes, to keep me frozen in a space and time. There are those times when I am not present. I go through the motions of daily life, but my mind is elsewhere...like when you drive somewhere, and all of a sudden you've arrived and don't recall how you got there. What I'm supposed to be doing now..is picking a time of day, and making myself stop, and recognize where my mind is. When it gets very busy, I get really agitated by any outside distraction...because I'm already distracted.