Sorry I've been away. I've gone a bit manic, I'm afraid.

[no name no slogan]

I got prescribed a steroid (Cytomel) to help with low thyroid level at the last pscyhodoc appointment. I think I was taking too much, because my rage level went through the roof, which is not such a good thing if you are riding a manic wave.

Long story short-- I verbally blew up at my mother last Thursday and was damn near back in the hospital this weekend. She made a passing wisecrack about how I couldn't concentrate on anything for longer than 10 minutes other than playing music when I totally lost it on her. She's not the artistic type and doesn't understand that it's another part of my brain that knows music, and NOT the part I use to do my normal job (which is IT-related) and function in daily life.

Thankfully we got through to an urgent care nurse, and the nurse helped talk me down. I did some talking-down myself, but I did manage to scratch myself up a bit too (thankfully I had enough sanity to throw my penknife, my belt and my guitar out of the house, so I wouldn't use them/smash them up). I was flushed, my blood pressure was through the roof and I was ready to explode. The nurse got me a short-term prescription for Klonopin, which helped calm me down a bit. The next day I talked to the doc, and we upped the Geodon by 1/2 and cut the Cytomel in 1/2. It seems to have helped.

This weekend has been better. I was able to get to my apartment Friday and Saturday and do some much-needed cleaning out (I hadn't kept up with it for a couple months before I got sick back in June). I hope to move back in sometime this week and maybe return to work the second week in September. Right now I have a very short attention span (about ten minutes). We're still tweaking all the meds so it's still a day-to-day thing.

Some day I just want to be normal. Maybe that's too much to expect? :shrug:

[Droopy]

1. Normalcy might not be in the cards

But a general state of well being might be. I think I will probably always be somewhat strange to other people. It probably doesn't show up here in my writing, but it does in every day life- enough for people to comment on it from time to time. But I feel good now aside from being a little lonely. You're doing everything that you should do. Like you say, it's probably going to take a little tweaking of the meds, but I think you are on the right track.

You might always feel a little strange inside, but that doesn't mean that you will never be happy again.

[TZ]

2. Sounds like my Uncle who is bipolar

While its been probably 10 years since he's been in the hospital, he still struggles with his meds sometimes and has his good and bad days. But overall I think he does okay. He even has been doing some work (he does political research for Pew very interesting stuff) of late so while I don't think those of us who struggle with mental illness will ever be 100% "normal" (and you don't need to be normal IMHO-I find myself getting along with those people who are far from what most consider "normal") you can live a pretty decent and functional life once you find the right balance of meds and therapy.

[no name no slogan]

3. The older I get, and the more severe the epis get, the more I think that too

I don't think I could ever be happy being "normal". I'm still a creative musician-type at heart and always will be, despite the fact I'll probably never pay the bills doing it. Thankfully my mom has a very good friend who is an artist (and a 70-year-old nun, to boot), who has been very sympathetic and even likes my music. In fact she came to see me both nights I played in the dayroom at the hospital. She's the one who first showed me the video of Paul Potts (YouTube him if you haven't heard of it before). It was downright inspirational and made me think that all hope is not lost for a 38-year-old guitarplaying songwriting schlub who lives in his mom's basement.

I felt a bit manic again tonight (the several loud frustrated shouts of "motherfucker" at Target probably were a good sign of that), so I popped a Klonopin around 6-ish. It seems to have helped calm me down. I took the Geodon around 9:00 and am starting to feel pretty mellow. Even normal, if you will. Or at least much better than I did when I smoked dooobie and drank like a fish. :-)

[Larissa238]

8. That Paul Potts guy is amazing...

I remember when they posted his audition YouTube video here I was floored. It's rare that you find someone with that much talent just working in a cell phone shop. His voice just blows me away.

Is there a place online where we can find your music? I'm still new-ish here and I don't know if you have posted a link. :)

*hugs* and I hope you come down from the mania okay. As fun as it can be, I always worry about the coming down part. *hugs*

[no name no slogan]

9. Thanks Rissa. I'll PM you the link

hope you enjoy it! I've got a couple new smash hits on the NNNS assembly line, so keep an eye open. :D

[Larissa238]

10. Thanks!

As I said in the PM, you are pretty talented :)

[EFerrari]

4. Normal? I'd settle for comfortably to be able to get though one day at a time.

Hang in, my friend.

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

5. thanks amigo

One day at a time, as they say.

I'm supposed to go back to work next Monday, but I don't feel near ready to do that. My apartment is still a mess, and I'm still living at my mothers. I got a message from the doc's that my bloodwork came back, and they never call unless there's something off with it.

And still no cure for cancer, I'm afraid.

[Forkboy]

6. I'm with you on that one.

[Forkboy]

7. I didn't have trouble with the Cytomel like that..

..but it was so bad on my stomach that I couldn't wait for the one month I was taking it to end.I was sick everyday,repeatedly.Of course,I had NO thyroid at that point,so the effects would be different on us both.

I'm pretty tired of medicine roulette,I know that much.

Hope things steady out for you soon.

[no name no slogan]

11. An update-- saw endocrinologist today

I finally got a referral to an endocrinologist from my new GP. I was able to get in with a days notice, otherwise I'd have to wait until freaking JANUARY to see one.

Long story short: we're getting rid of the Cytomel (T3), and starting Synthroid (T4). Plus I'm doing some new lab work, including a 24-hour urine collection. Which I've never heard of before but should be interesting I suppose.

And hey, how else can you keep a plastic orange jug of your own pee in your fridge without drawing suspicion to yourself?

[EFerrari]

12. Step away from the frig with your hands up!

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

14. Waitaminute... THIS ISN'T ORANGE JUICE

And to add insult to injury, I broke my toe last night, too. Thankfully it's on my left foot and I drive an automatic, so I can still drive (in theory, I haven't tried it yet). At least now I have an excuse to lay around all day Sunday and pee into a jug. :D

[TZ]

13. I've heard very positive things about synthroid

I have a friend that has thyroid issues and the synthroid helps ALOT. And it does seem, when they get the dosages right, that there is a strong correlation with a better mental state for her (she suffers from mild depression). In fact she believes that I may have some undiagnosed thyroid issues although I have usually tested normal or low normal at worst.
So I am optimistic that this change of meds might be helpful to you.
As for the orange jug...I hope its ummm, shall we say labelled well...:hide:

[no name no slogan]

15. I've heard that too

Thankfully my mom has a separate fridge in her basement that's empty. So that's where the jug will live. ALONE. :P

[Larissa238]

16. Does the jug have 3 numbers written in black on it?

We used to collect and process those jugs at a research lab I worked in. Some people would come in carrying 2 of those things, and I was like :wtf: how can you pee so much?

Anyways, those numbers (if they are there) is how much the jug itself weighed, and then when they weigh the full one, they know how much is pee and how much is jug. I have seen them many times, but this was for research. I don't know how often they are used in normal hospital use.

[no name no slogan]

17. Very similar to that

It's got my name, "CrCl", "Na", "Cl", it looks like. I know one of them is for a calcium level check (it was a bit high in last bloodwork), and "Na" and "Cl" are the periodic table symbols for sodium and chlorine, IIRC.

:)