No sympathy for the devil

[varkam]

I've been trying to write this post for the better half of an hour. I'm not really quite sure where to begin. I'm posting this here for a couple of reasons: for one, I'm feeling pretty low. Also, I'm having a problem with society telling me that I am something, that - while technically true - hurts like hell. I'm also an addict, so I figured that falls under the category of mental health. It isn't addict, though, that is the label that bothers me.

Felon. Whenever I log onto DU or read the newspaper and read about the candidates, I'm reminded that I don't have a dog in this fight - I can't vote. Whenever I look at a job application, I check the box that asks if you have ever been convicted of a major crime. Apartment hunting has been difficult, because most places will run a criminal background check - no one wants a felon as their neighbor I suppose. I have good credit, a good rental history, have never put my hands on anyone in a violent or otherwise inappropriate way, but once I drop the proverbial F-bomb that's all they need to know.

I realize that part of this is just the retributive nature of the criminal justice system. They want me to suffer. I'm not saying that I'm a victim here. I committed a crime - and now I'm paying the consequences. The truth is I made a big mistake, and I've taken numerous steps to try and correct myself and my behavior. I feel genuinely sorry for what I did, and I know that I can never undo it. I guess the way I try to look at it is like this - I'm neither a good nor a bad person. I'm just a person and, as such, I've made many decisions. Some of those have been good, and some have been bad. The chain of bad decisions that led to my arrest were undeniably bad - but does that make me a bad person?

I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about it. I want to talk to my fiance, but I don't want to make her feel guilty (since she originally brought me to the attention of authorities). I know that there are people here who also deal with labels. Schizophrenic. Depressive. Bi-polar. Autistic. And so on. I guess it just feels like a lot to deal with - what with housing, a job, trying to get married, trying to stay in touch with friends, and trying to get back into school (I was given the boot when I got arrested). If anyone has any words of wisdom - I'd definitely appreciate it.

[Droopy]

1. I understand, varkam

I have a friend who is a convicted felon and he is having a very tough time getting along in life because of that. I could also be a convicted felon right now due to my past drug use, but I was lucky and I never got caught. I haven't used in 11 years. I was able to get out of that scene before I really messed myself up.

As far as voting goes, I do not think it is right to deny convicted felons the right to vote. It does not make any sense to me to do that. That you've been stripped of that right is in itself a crime.

You sound like you are depressed and it might be a good idea to talk to a pro about that. I understand that you have a lot to be depressed about and some of those things will not be able to be changed, but the way you feel about those things might be able to be changed. You come across as an intelligent person. You can use that to your advantage when confronted about your past.

The stigma associated with mental illness can be hard to overcome. When I reveal to people that I have a severe mental illness they are always surprised at first, then their next reaction is usually fear. I imagine that there is a similar and probably stronger reaction when someone discovers your conviction. Use your intelligence to counter it.

I guess I'm not a terribly wise person, but I do understand and I hope you feel comfortable posting here. We've got a lot of empathetic posters here and some pretty smart people. Hopefully, someone a little smarter than me will have some words of wisdom for you. :)

[varkam]

2. Thanks, Droopy.

I may be smart, but I'm not that smart. After all, it was my best thinking that got me here. Don't sell yourself short, though; I thought your post was well-reasoned. Besides, I don't think intelligence is even the main thing I'm looking for from anyone. I'm looking for the wisdom that comes with experience. That's not something you can really pick up in any book.

It's a good thing that you got out of the drug scene. I know from personal experience that it can wreck things for you.

It's funny that voting should matter so much to me. I'd imagine most people probably wouldn't care, but I'm one of those wackos that thinks it's my civic duty and that I cannot be a good citizen unless I do it. That hurts, too. I still read the news, and still come here, of course. If I could, I guess I'd probably vote for Kucinich (though I don't think he has a snowball's chance in hell of getting the nod).

I would talk to someone, but I have very little money. Even though I work full-time, it's just barely going to be enough to make ends meet. I might try to check in to the local comp care, though. I think they do fees on a sliding scale. I tried looking into another local low-income clinic, but found that I couldn't be seen there because I used to intern there several years ago. I guess thems the breaks.

The thing is, intellgence doesn't matter to most people when it comes to things like this. It's an emotional, gut reaction. No matter what my arguments are, no matter what the evidence is, I'm still a criminal. It's kind of like a learned helplessness. I guess I used to wonder why so many people went to prison only to go back when released - I'm starting to get an idea. I know it's also similiar with mental illness - I don't go around advertising the fact that I'm a recovering addict.

Thanks, again. You've helped more than you give yourself credit for.

[DemExpat]

3. Hi varkam,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so ostracized....I'm sure that most of us here feel this to some degree and at different times in our lives.
My experience of mental health problems and of living for years as a foreigner in a country not of my birth helps me know in some way what this can feel like.

I had a counsellor years ago who helped me so much by one little bit of advice - to look at my handicaps face on, accept them, and then to make my little postage-stamp size place in the world the best it can be for me and my loved ones. That's it! This little advice helped me accept myself and my history, but to shift my sight from my shortcomings and limitations to what all I could do to make my little world much better. It had huge effects. I successfully nurtured and raised my 2 children, and am now completing my studies for my degree at this later date in my life.

You state:
It's funny that voting should matter so much to me. I'd imagine most people probably wouldn't care, but I'm one of those wackos that thinks it's my civic duty and that I cannot be a good citizen unless I do it. That hurts, too. I still read the news, and still come here, of course. If I could, I guess I'd probably vote for Kucinich (though I don't think he has a snowball's chance in hell of getting the nod).

I can well imagine this, even though I did not practice my voting rights when I was in my more negative frame of mind in the past. I believe that if I were in your shoes in the US now that I would compensate for this ridiculous inability to exercise my voting rights by doing whatever I could - not necessarily in a big way, but to do something - to support the candidate of my choice.
Really, this would have as much effect as voting IMO, as you might bring in more votes that way.
Sure your candidate might lose, but the voting itself is powerful....supporting your candidate to get votes is powerful too.

That's about all the words I can offer you from my life's experiences and thoughts about these things.

:hug:

DemEx

[TZ]

4. Thanks for sharing, varkam

Wish I could give you advice here but for the mental issues in my family no one has substance abuse problems and no one has a criminal record (I strongly believe that addiction runs in families and my family doesn't seem to be prone to it). My understanding is that addiction can lead to all sorts of destructive behavior and of all the possiblities having a felony conviction and having served it out already, seems like its not nearly as bad as things could be. You have a fiance, something I may never manage to do (I can't even seem to do a date or two with guys anymore) and she has stayed with you throughout your troubles. That sounds like a real positive from my perspective.
I agree that once someone pays their debt to society we should no longer hold it agaisnt them. Personally the no vote thing is just terrible to me. Why can't they restore that priviledge with your freedom. I never understood that. Seems really vindictive to me. Anyway, I have heard many people complain about how hard it is to get a job once people see that "convicted of a felony" checked on an application...people are just stupid about this stuff.
I think you are not a good or bad person, you are human! You have made some bad decisions (maybe a bit more severe than some of us) but nobody is perfect.
FYI, you are one of my favorite posters on DU. You are one of my first posters that I really got to "know" (as much as you can "know" people on a message board.) My fellow health lounge warrior!!

[varkam]

5. I have made bad decisions.

And I wish that I could take them back, undo their effects...but I know that I can't. I don't mean for this to be a pity party or anything...getting arrested was probably the best thing that could of happened to me. It needed to happen. It was the only thing that could of broken through my denial and my rationalization. In many ways, my life is better than it ever has been (as I'm now in recovery). I guess I just need help in keeping my head up, despite what society wants.

edited to add: I've always enjoyed your posts. I've all but given up on the health lounge. I'm convinced I'm not doing any good over there.

[Larissa238]

6. First of all....

:hug: :grouphug: :hug:

I come from a family of addicts and the mentally ill. I have had uncles on both sides of the family in jail for everything from drugs to attempted murder. I have seen how hard it is for them to live outside of jail. It hurts me to see that the people who truly feel sorry for what they did punished for the rest of their lives for a mistake. The rest of us are lucky that we get second chances. Sadly, people who have gotten out of jail get no respect. I have an uncle who was in on drug charges who got out and actually got a good job (he owned his own business before the drugs got to him and lost it in the fight). He was the manager of a energy drink company. Sadly, the company was not doing well, and let him go. The last time I spoke to him he was so sad because he could not find another job. He wanted to get into trucking, but was pretty sure that a past drug conviction would disqualify him. He is trying his best to get his life back together, and his conviction is getting in his way. It hurts me to see him, because I know that his conviction will follow him around for the rest of his life and close so many doors for him. What this country needs is more understanding from us, the ones who have not been in jail. I know the jails are crowded, and we have so many people going through the system. I am assuming that you have tried talking to social workers or whoever can help get you a job with your conviction (that's where my uncle got the manager job).

As for labels, I know that one too. I made the mistake once of putting on a job application the real reason why I took a semester off of school - that I was bipolar, but now stable on my meds. I was very qualified for the job, but did not hear back from them. I now have to try and hide my "label" from society. Luckily for me, I don't have to disclose on a job application my disorder, or else I am sure I would be in the same position as you - unable to find a job.

The only advice I can really give you is keep on fighting. As hard as it gets sometimes, try and fight for a better future. I get scared a lot of the time, thinking about the future. I have a wonderful fiance that loves me and helps me the best he can (and I love you, honey, if you read this :) ) and he inspires me to do so much more than I thought I could. Getting through college almost killed me (literally) and he was there, on the phone, every night encouraging me to fight and I just got my diploma this summer. I get scared when I think about having children, since I know my disorders are genetic and I could pass them onto my kids. I still hope to have kids one day, and if they have what I have I will still love them.

What we have in this group is a bunch of people who have fought and overcome the odds. We have people who have all these labels and have fought to have them not define them. My psyc would tell her other clients about me (with my permission) to let them know that this label is not the end of them. I know that there are people in this group who have gotten their college degrees, and even higher degrees than that. But if you asked a doctor "Do you think that a person with ____ and ____ could graduate college" most of them would say no. But the people here did anyways. We fight, in big ways and small. Sometimes it's just getting out of bed that's the fight.

You seem like a wonderful person who made a mistake and truly feels sorry for what they did. I just hope that you read around here a bit and read what the people with these labels have done. It's hard to fight, but when I know that there are other people out there, fighting as well, somehow that makes me feel better. I hope it's the same for you.

:hug: :hug: