I just spent a week in the hospital

[sans qualia]

after a pretty pathetic suicide attempt. My counselor sent me to a place that specializes in LGBT patients, since they didn't know quite what to do with me at the last place I went to. So I was stuck in the hospital with a bunch of gay men twice my age, all there to recover from some form of addiction (not an issue for me), which, as it turned out, was pretty much the main focus of this place. I was so depressed most of the time that they nearly had me committed on monday, but thankfully my mood picked up again before they did. Now my parents think I'm crazy, the director of the program thinks I'm borderline, and I don't think my endocrinologist will ever give me a shot estradiol again. Plus, I have this really bad stomach virus right now. :puke: Oi. At least I'm back at school and away from my less-than-approving family members. Sigh. Life sucks, no? :cry:

[Droopy]

1. I'm glad you are among the living, sans qualia

It sounds like you had a rough time at the hospital. I'm surprised they only kept you for a week after a suicide attempt. You call it a pretty pathetic suicide attempt, but I think any attempt is a very serious matter. I've been through some very rough times and never attempted suicide. Thought about it a lot, even went so far as to make plans, but never carried through with them. This tells me that saying that you feel horrible is an understatement.

What is your diagnosis? It sounds like major depression from what you said, but I wouldn't want to just presume that. Have they prescribed you any meds?

If you ever feel like hurting yourself again, please seek help before you do so. There are people out there who want to help you. Count me as one of them. If you ever need to talk, just give me a holler via PM and we are always here for you in this group.

[Ladyhawk]

2. Damn, I'm really sorry, sans qualia.

The hospitals I've been in have all sucked, big time. They make you worse. My god, what are they there for??? They stick you in with a bunch of crazy people. In my case, I was in a ward with people who had to wear diapers, who paced the hall incessantly, who were not even in this world.

One lady roamed the halls with a Gideon bible in her hands, praying and quoting scripture. At intervals she would stop at a table, lay down a towel, then place the bible atop it reverently.

Yes, it was a beautiful place for recovering my will to live. :crazy:

Having your parents think you're crazy is par for the course at this point, sans qualia. You have to stop caring what other people think. As for the "borderline" diagnosis, I'd get a second opinion. Psychiatrists in those places only see you for a short while and I've seen them fuck up diagnoses on more than one person. In fact, I have actual disdain for most psychiatrists. I've only seen two good ones. The rest were either terminally stupid or cruel. The wife of one of them committed suicide a couple of years ago and he could have stopped it. The other one (a fundy) told me I was "bitter." No, the problem was my family is toxic as hell and I needed to get away from them. Stupid psychiatrists, thinking they can diagnose you in three days...or a week. The medical degree gives them a god complex, I think.

Get a second opinion from a psychologist. Psychologists aren't as loopy for some reason. Well, at least fewer of them are. Psychiatrists? Spare me. I can't stand most of them. The best one I ever had saw me maybe four times and has now resigned. I don't expect the new one to be worth much.

sans...do you think your suicide attempt was real or a cry for help? During my life I've made two "pathetic" attempts as you say. I thought I was serious, but neither attempt would have killed me. All I'm saying is that you may be practicing for the real thing.

What makes it worse is when you end up in psych wards and realize you didn't get the help you needed, that your family is now officially freaked out, that your friends quickly distance themselves from you. Hell, you don't want to go through that again, do you? So, what do you automatically think? Next time I'll get it right and they won't be able to torture me. That's the sadness of the "mental health care" system in this country. The "treatment" sometimes makes you desire an end to suffering even more. The system is pathetic.

Last year, I made what was much, much more than a "pathetic" attempt. My counselor was surprised I lived through it. Me? I was pissed off because I had to go through absolute hell afterward. I had a bona fide Nurse Ratched experience. I keep wanting to find out her name, sneak onto her property and slash her tires, but I'm not that kind of person. She tortured me after the suicide attempt when my mind was already coming apart. Then more time with the "you're simply bitter" lady and the incontinent and psychotic people in the psych ward. My "friend" tried to proselytize me to fundamentalist Christianity. Fuck you...you promised never to do that! Fuck you! Besides, I'd simply go back to being a depressed fundamentalist Christian. It. Doesn't. Work. For. Me. Now shut the fuck up! I don't know if I can forgive you for this. It turns out I couldn't. I tried for over a year and I couldn't forgive him because he PROMISED. My clinic cut me off from my primary care physician and beloved counselor because my case was "too complicated for them." My mother decided I was demon-possessed.

I lost everything, including all my credit cards (somewhere, somehow) and my self-respect.

So, what am I thinking? Next time, I won't screw it up. Next time I'll make sure whatever I do is fatal, period. Aren't hospitals for the mentally ill just fab?

So, I'm skating along now, friendless. At least I told my stupid toxic family to go take a flying leap. My attitude toward the human race is one of disgust and disdain, with few exceptions. Religious people who try to tell me what to do will be rebuffed with extreme prejudice. Ladyhawk don't play fundy games.

Now, sans qualia, what are you thinking? Are you thinking next time I'll get it right. I'm wondering if that is what your experience in hospital did for you, too. If so, maybe those of us who have experienced this can band together for a bit of support.

[DemExpat]

3. So glad that you survived it, sans qualia!

Been there...done that as well, and survived to live a good life and raise a family too.

Please do what you can to find good help from a therapist/counsellor/group - doesn't matter - as long as it clicks with you and feels right and healthy.

Turn your back for awhile (or for good if you can) on painful relationships too - focus on what you need to nurture and please yourself and create a life that you want to live.

:hug:

DemEx

[smirkymonkey]

4. Glad to hear that you are ok!

I know how you feel and I know it can get better. I hope you are getting lots of help and support, because that is what you need right now. Take care! :hugs:

[yardwork]

5. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain

Do you have a psychiatrist that you trust? If not, demand one from your parents.

I have been working with a psychiatrist for about five years. At first I didn't like her much. I thought she was kind of a cold fish. After a while I realized that my rejection of her was part of my illness (depression and anxiety). Now I see her as a tremendous value and ally to my good health.

The symptoms of our illness sometimes make us angry. Please hang in there! Nothing is as final as suicide. Think of all the things you would rather do before you did that.

[davidinalameda]

6. life doesn't suck

you're alive

the alternative is much worse

[sans qualia]

7. Thanks everybody

I feel much better now. You all have been very helpful, even though I didn't feel ready to post about it until now.

Um, anyway, I discovered the other day that this post made it onto a right-wing messsage board ( http://forums.therightsociety.com/default.aspx?f=22&m=94447 ). Now, flattered though I am to have finally written something interesting enough to merit the attention of these most eminent and esteemed political minds, I can't help but think it's kinda, um, inappropriate for our conservatively-inclined counterparts to be able to read these most personal details of our lives. Granted, exposure usually comes with the territory when you're posting on the internet, but I mean... if there's one board on DU that shouldn't be open to the general net-going public, isn't it this one? You have to donate to participate in it anyway, so it's not like it'd be hurting anyone to make it invisible to star-less members. I don't know if it's even possible, but do you think it'd be worth asking the admins about?

[Droopy]

8. While I think that it is a good idea to hide this forum

I still think that unwanted eyes could still get into here and post about it on other sites. All it takes is someone who pretends to be a liberal to donate five bucks to the site and get a star. Fuck it, man. Nobody knows who you are. You're just a screen name on the internet. I read the thread that you linked to and nobody there said anything about you. The person who posted your post just made a little crazy smiley and that's it. If somebody makes fun of you for having mental problems they are worse off than you. They have no soul.