I'm a loser, baby...(getting it off my chest)

[AlienGirl]

I'm feeling like the world's biggest loser today, for the stupidest reasons.

First, I keep wondering what I did that was so bad it caused my ex--who by all accounts is a nice guy--to leave me while I was sick, and to take the kids with him.

What did I do that made him go against everything a "nice" person should do? Am I that terrible? And if I am, can I do anything to be better?

(For anyone who doesn't know, my ex served me with papers three days after I finished chemo and radiation, and moved to the other side of the country with my kids, then aged 5 and 7. At the time I weighed 80 lbs, could barely stand up, and was deaf from inner-ear swelling. I hadn't eaten solid food in three months. He filed a restraining order keeping me from showing up unannounced or approaching the kids without permission, because he said my history of depression endangered them. What did I do, how awful am I, to have driven a man everyone says is nice to do something that seems so far beyond common decency?)

I know it's water long under the bridge now; the kids have a new mom and I have a new life, but lately I just can't get it out of my head.

Then, someone at another site said he's seen my pictures and I'm "a freaky little thing." He said it to someone else on that site, so it's not like he was deliberately insulting me. This is combined with the fact that someone new was hired at work, and she is very beautiful and does my job better than I do. She makes a lot more sales than me; and I just know it's because she's pretty, and when people see me they see a crooked smile with bad teeth, a nose like a beak, and an asymmetrical face. I had thought I was "over" my looks issues, that I was OK with being funny-looking and unattractive, but I guess I'm not.

And then there's the matter of my mental illnesses. I'm just no good at the day-to-day tasks of living...and who ever heard of a competent professional with depression and anxiety anyhow? How can I ever get respect or make a living like this?

Anyway, sorry for spewing. The person I normally would go to when I needed to let out a massive vent of self-doubt has died, so I decided I'd just dump the whole pile out in the open.

Tucker

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

1. Oh Tucker.

You know that you are welcome to come here and vent to us anytime you would like. We are all entitled to do that as much as we need to, especially when we have nowhere else to go! I am so impressed by how strong you have remained. If I had been in the same position, I would probably not be around for very long. Listen, anyone who has read what you have to say knows you are an amazingly nice and intelligent woman, not just a "freaky little thing"! I know it's not much coming from me, but I have always thought you were beautiful for having just survived and lived through all that you have been faced with.

Anytime you need to chat, I am here for you.

Love,
Maggie

[ernstbass]

2. There are many professionals who struggle with depression and anxiety

You ae in good comapany. sounds as if the events at work have been a blow to you lately. You've been through so much, you must be a really strong person. don't give up - you've come too far!

[DemExpat]

3. You are right, Tucker, it is a massive vent of self-doubt....

nothing more!

This doubting has nothing at all to do with your real worth, and I think that you do know this.

But living with and through the doubting and regrets can be excruciating, and venting is sometimes the only and the best thing that you can do.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Here is hoping that tomorrow you wake up feeling much better about yourself, where you have been, where you are, and where you want to go.
Perhaps sometime in the near future you can sit down alone with your ex and ASK him why he felt he had to do what he did as he did it....:-(

:loveya:

DemEx

[AlienGirl]

7. Thank you, DemEx

I finally figured out what sent me on such a tailspin (give you a hint, a right-winger's assholeness was involved) and knowing just *what* was eating me helps some. Now it's just a matter of sorting it out and putting it into perspective...*sigh*

:loveya:

Tucker

[Nikia]

4. Don't blame yourself for your ex

I've heard so many stories about men who left their sick wives or wives with their disbabled/chronically sick child(ren). It was him unable to deal with the situation. It probably really had nothing to do with you personally, just his own weakness.
I think many of us women are insecure about our looks and feel like freaks. The media and society in general tells us that we have to be drop dead gorgeous to be attractive enough, One of my dad's bandmates probably said it best though when he said "All women, with perhaps the exception of a few victims of some freakish accidents, are attractive. If that were not true, humanity would have died out a long time ago."
Anxiety and depression are a struggle. You are strong for continuing the struggle.
If you didn't want advice, sorry. I have an easier time giving advice than following my own advice.

[Droopy]

5. Hang in there, AlienGirl

I sometimes get down about past events, also. I try to tell myself that it's over now. There's no use in hanging on to the past. But when it's your kids it must be very hard. What your ex did was not healthy for them. I hope they are doing ok now.

You've been through a lot and the fact that you are here to talk to us now is evidence that you are a very strong person. Try to tap into some of that strength now to get past what is bothering you. You are always welcome to vent here and I think you will find that this is a very supportive group. It's better to get things off your chest than to sit and stew about them.

[regnaD kciN]

6. "Freaky"...? NO WAY!

I've met you in person, Tucker. You're cute!

[AlienGirl]

8. Thank you...

Maybe I just don't photograph well?

Tucker

[regnaD kciN]

9. That's true of a lot of people...

I've seen the photographs of a number of women who I've considered, in person, to be quite beautiful, and have thought that the photos didn't reflect their "real-life" looks at all. On the other hand, I've known some people whose photos "came alive" in ways that weren't apparent in person. I suspect it has to do with the transition from three dimensions to two -- some people's facial planes reduce to a flat image well, others not at all.

[jdots]

10. how could anyone not love you ?

you are real in a world of people who want to be fake and that is going to throw alot of people off.Everyone wants to be a bimbo now,thank you so much for knowing yourself enough to not join that crowd.Like it or not consider me a friend because I hear you.

[mdmc]

11. your scene would not be for me (I would leave)

and I would feel guilty about it. (As Costanza would say,) "Its not you, its me!"

Your man might have been over his head. It still sucks, but, perhaps thinking along these lines will reduce some of your angst.

I'd love to see a pic of you. And I hope you feel better.

Pe@ce,
mdmc

[AlienGirl]

12. Thank you for your honesty

I'm probably too difficult for any normal person to live with for any length of time.

P.S. My pics are in the Gallery.

Tucker

[mdmc]

13. LOL - I'm NORML, but not normal

Your too good for me, and that my point. You don't need me, you don't need your man.
You need to be comfortable with yourself. And I KNOW that you can be this (comfortable in your own skin). I'm not sure how you go about doing this, but you need to start, and you need to be successful.

Anything else is uncivilized. :~) :hi:

[mdmc]

14. hope things have gotten better

any luck?

[shrike]

16. Any decision he made has more to do with him than you

A psychologist (who was dating my father at the time) told me this long ago, and I've never forgotten it. The older I get, the more I realize she was right: people's reactions have more to do with them (and their personal BS) than with me. And MY reactions to other people have more to do with my personal BS than with them. One person may love you, another may hate you. Depending on where they're coming from.
We all see the world from our own little prisms. There are almost as many "worlds" as there are people. AND, you really can't change someone else's BS. You can only change your own.

[EFerrari]

15. Tucker, you need to go into show business.

Really, in show business, unless you have a DX, you can't get work at all.

I know a great agent here in CA.

:hug: and :hug: