Not sure if I am in the right group... any abuse support here?

[FirstLight]

I am 5 yrs out of my abusive marriage, ran with the kids and what we could carry...

And even after hours of therapy, and finding a great church community, etc...I am having a really tough time this week. Taking things probably way too hard, but also not wanting to deal with anything. I came home from work early and crawled in bed. I made dinner, but can't wait to get the kids off to bed so i can zone out in front of the TV and try not to think about the things I am thinking about.

I am taking antidepressants, they work just fine. I have a great therapist, etc...
just a rough patch right now
and I wonder if I will ever feel like a normal person with normal emotional responses again?

*sigh* thanks for leting me vent a little. just feeling very much like nobody understands me and I am tired of being on the defensive for no reason all the time...

If I had my way I'd just take off and backpack through europe ...be free and never look back... ya, really needing to get over all the responsibilities today :)

[mopinko]

1. well

:hug: got those.

most days of 24 years with a nice but male guy, and i feel that way. don't mean that dismissively. just to say that all life is struggle, and you shouldn't think there is anything wrong with you because your life is as a struggle and your burdens are large.

:hug: :shrug:

[FirstLight]

2. ya, i know

there are just days that certain things said to me end up triggering all the crap. Then I can't get the awful stuff out of my head, even though I am safe and he is long gone... today while trying to go to sleep I just kept reliving one of the incidents in my head, (and how I thought I would end up with a hammer in my skull)

I wonder if the ptsd feeling will ever be totally gone from me, or if I will be jumping at shadows forever?

good thing I'm going to my therapists tomorrow, a good cry sesion may be in order!

[mopinko]

3. you go girl

that is all.

[redqueen]

4. I know what you mean...

the days when something triggers thoughts and then you struggle for the rest of the day. I think I've accepted that I'll never be a normal person with normal emotional responses... but if I can just lessen the intensity of my reactions, and shorten the duration... then I'll call that success.

[FirstLight]

5. Amen to that!

I decided to allow myself the time to "hole-up" for the rest of the week, spend timein bed or just zoning out in front of the TV. It took me an entire year of therapy before I was ready to even work again, and the few and far between days I feel like hiding in my cave are okay.
I just mentioned to a girlfriend today that I may never have "normal" emotional responses ever again...and she (who is over a decade out of her abuse) said "don't expect it, but recognize that your experience makes you a 'diffrent' you, and that's okay"...

Thanks for the added insight. I'm still hanging in there today, at least I haven't cried in about 24 hours!

[EFerrari]

6. It's all right if you want to zone out in front of the teevee some days.

That only means, you can without having to look over your shoulder every five minutes. Go for it. :hug:

:grouphug:

[HopeFor2006]

7. In January it will be 4 years

Since I packed up the kids, the pets, and whatever we could fit in my vehicle and showed up on my sister's doorstep. I understand what you are feeling.