I need a brick wall to beat my head against

[Not_Giving_Up]

My daughter, who will be 9 next week really has me worried. Since she could walk, she's taken things that didn't belong to her and stashed them. Most of the time, she destroys what she takes. It's really escalated lately, and a few weeks ago she got caught with someone else's lunch money at school. She served 3 days of lunch detention and recess detention at school. Well, that obviously didn't do a damn thing. Tonight, I questioned where a little stuffed tiger came from. She claims that a little girl at school gave it to her. Let me tell you, more kids seem to "give" my daughter things than anyone I've ever seen. I tell her that I'm going to e-mail her teachers to verify the story. She finally confesses that she took it from another little girl's desk. I e-mailed both teachers, letting them know that the tiger will be coming to school tomorrow, and the name of the child it belongs to. The school counselor is also supposed to start working with her on this problem, but it hasn't happened yet, so I copied her on the e-mail too. I feel like a failure as a mother.

My son is an Aspie, ADHD, and ODD. It seems that life has finally leveled out for him (thank goodness!). Last year at this time, he was hospitalized for being suicidal. Both kids see a therapist weekly, and my daughter has a referral for the pysch, but can't be seen until next month.

Can I curl up and die now????

[NurseLefty]

1. I feel for what you are going through.

I'm a senior nursing student and my current clinical rotation is in pediatric psych. Some of what I learned thus far is that family members can experience a great deal of strain when their child is dealing with mental health issues. I have also observed that pediatric mental health is TERRIBLY underserved. Access to care - due to financial limitations and a shortage of facilities is a MASSIVE problem.
My heart goes out to you - especially from you sharing your feelings of blaming yourself. But what your family is experiencing is due to illness that is as legitimate and real as any other kind of illness.
Do you have any access to parental support groups? And are there any other avenues you can pursue re: the referral for your daughter?
My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Not_Giving_Up]

2. Thanks for responding

You are absolutely correct that pedi-psych is underserved. It took me forever to get my son in with a psych, and then it wasn't a very good one. The first one we had didn't specialize in children, his office wasn't kid friendly, and he seemed to not have a clue. the doc he sees now is much better, we found her through the therapist.

As for support groups...I once lived on a message board forum online for parents of kids like mine. I found it when my son was in first grade and having a LOT of behavioral problems both at home and at school. They helped me to see that I wasn't alone, and that it could be worse. Also, I learned how to get the assistance from the school that I needed for him. Now, I spend most of my online time (OK, all of it) at DU. I just don't have enough hours in my day to actually attend a meeting (unless they're holding them really late at night!), so the web is my support group.

Oh, I didn't mention this before...

To add to the problems that the kids are having, my husband is bi-polar, refuses meds. He was officially diagnosed as depressed, but that was a diagnosis made in 15 minutes by an MD. They gave him meds, which he said gave him headaches, so he only took them for three days. I can see him cycle, and walk on eggshells half the time.

My job is at a repug run small business, and they are trying to get rid of me now...ever since I was happy that Boxer stood.

[DemExpat]

3. That is a heavy load.....

I have had enough of a load from my own personal problems, along with relationship stuff with my husband, but problems with my children I have been spared. They are 23 and almost 21 years old.....

I believe I would have snapped if I had had to deal with mental health issues with them as they were growing up - heck, raising kids is a grueling experience under the best of circumstances! :evilgrin:

I believe it would be valuable to have face to face contact with members of a support group, but on-line is of course better than nothing!
Too bad you have no access to a mentor/counsellor for yourself in dealing with all of these issues...!
Any good friends/family to mull things over with? Vital to have IMO.

I wish you strength and widsom in dealing with these problems at your door, and hope that you come into more peaceful times very, very soon.

:hug:

DemEx

edit:
Glad to hear that your son has levelled out some now - thanks heavens.
Now to get onto your daughter's behavior and nip it in the bud!

[Not_Giving_Up]

4. The therapist that sees the kids gives me an ear too

She keeps telling me that I'm the glue holding the family together...I keep wondering what happens when I fall apart.

[NurseLefty]

5. Here is a resource--

The inpatient pediatric psych unit (a reknowned facility in my region) where I have been as a student does a great deal of work with parents of the children who are being treated there. Several class sessions are recommended for the parents, and I have attended two of them.
With the patients on the unit, the care team includes in their work a model of "emotion coaching", which is discussed in the parent classes. The model is based on research by John Gottman, PhD. He is famous for his research on marriage - one of his studies could predict whether couples would divorce with a 93 percent accuracy. He has also researched families and child behavior over a period of time, as to which parenting styles were beneficial.
From what I have heard from the educators in the parenting classes I attended, the belief is that mental health problems put significant strain on families and that developing the most effective parenting skills is one tool among many to help families cope. Gottman's book, "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting", was highly recommended to the parents in the classes I attended. It is available at Amazon.com and I'm sure you can get it from any chain bookstore.
Also, for more information, check out www.gottman.com, for more information about the Gottman Institute and its work.
Lastly, regarding your husband - this is what I can tell you - (I am *only* a nursing student - I offer this as a disclaimer), but what I know: (1) Bipolar disorder is difficult to diagnose, but it should be taken very seriously. In fact, any symptoms of a potential mood disorder should be taken seriously and professionally assessed and treated; and (2)Medications for mental disorders can be a matter of trial and error. If one medication is not ideal, other options should be looked at. I am not qualified to speak to the specifics of what your husband is taking, but my suggestion would be for him to really try and be proactive in talking with his doctor about a psych referral. There is so much potential for him to no longer suffer!
Oh, and one more thing - as parting advice, if you are indeed viewed as being the 'glue' of your family, please, PLEASE, take time to take care of YOU. Even if it's simple as a bubble bath or a scheduled time to take a walk, do something for YOU. That will only help you be stronger 'glue'!
Best wishes to you and your family. :grouphug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

6. Thanks, i'll check that out

As for my husband...I tried to explain to him about the meds. My son has been on several different ones before we figured out what worked for him for ADHD, plus as he grows, we have to change every now and then. He doesn't care, he refuses to take "a happy pill", and swears that there's nothing wrong with him. The therapist agrees with me on the bi-polar. She's talked to him a few times, and I vent regularly about his cycling. the problem is, I can't make a grown man take meds or see a doctor.

As for taking care of me...I tend not to, and I know it. The biggest thing I lack is sleep, but I'm working on that. I just feel like i'm ready for a padded room more often than not.