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As I write this, it is so cold outside (dad says 25 below, I think it's even colder) that I can hear what I think is the sap in the trees freezing and cracking when I'm outside. Maybe that's just my imagination, but damn it's cold out there. I'm from Northern Maine - a place called Madawaska lake, not far from the Canadian border.
It's a small place, with very few full time residents, mainly the retired and the well off middle class. It's a place where 65 year old men climb up to their roof tops to shovel snow and take up a sledge hammer to pound through the ice.
It's quiet, and cold, and very dark. For about three years now I've been barely able to leave my home at all, where I live with my parents, two dogs and two cats. My two siblings have both moved away - one, 18, is six years younger than me.
So as Christmas approaches I find what is already an unbearable depression becoming even worse. As people will gather together to exchange gifts, talk about their lives and their loved ones, I will have nothing to say. When they ask me, "What are you up to these days Dave?" I will have to smile and say "Not a great deal". From which they will assume that I am lazy, a freeloader, whatever... too many relatives who can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
I've been out looking for work, hah, for years now. More recently I applied at a local fast food place and was told there were one hundred applicants. Not surprisingly, given my lack of work history (I was, for years, a stay at home dad) I was not contacted or interviewed for the position.
My best friend of fifteen years now has turned his back on me because I disagree with the Iraq war - a war he's fighting. When he told me they all had to be killed (I.E. all insurgents, all terrorists, and a great deal of the average citizens) I vehemently disagreed. That was months ago, and we have not spoken since - nor will he return my calls.
In fact, he was my only friend outside of my family. Now, week after week, month after month, year after year, it's the same thing over and over again. Come up with a million ideas on how to better my life and discard them all because they fail. I've been to the career center a dozen times and I'm sure they're sick of me by now. I've been to nearly every place of business within a 45 mile radius to apply for any job at all. (in the summers I have taken jobs that I'm not proud to admit to, odd jobs that paid me 5 bucks an hour for back-breaking work and usually had no more need for me once the immediate job was done, the longest of which lasted two weeks)
School is more affordable up here than in most areas - but I could not get by on the student loans/financial aid alone. My parents are already paying tuition for my two sisters, and are nearly broke as soon as their paychecks come in. There's no way they can add another burden.
I've been to therapists, psychiatrists, career counselors, Priests, and I've tried a few crazy things and considered things even crazier. I've been on 150 MG of zoloft for about 3 years, the drug overall for ten years. About half a miligram of xanax every day is the only thing that keeps me sane and helps hold off the severe panic attacks that are otherwise all too common for me.
It seems all I want to do now is sleep. Every day my frustration increases, every day I feel more apathetic, every day I hate my life - and myself, just a little bit more. I find myself barely able to get out of bed at the odd hours I wake up, and the odd hours I sleep - which is whenever I can.
I am desperate for passion, purpose, a real life... but there seem no opportunities available. No money, no job, no social life.. and my one friend has turned away from me because I stood up for what I believe in. It's not so much that I feel sorry for myself as that I can't stand living this way and see no other options.
I'm fortunate compared to many, I have a place to live, I don't have to worry about my next meal, I have a computer with a connection to the internet...
But even so, I think my depression is finally driving me completely under once again. It's so damn hard to fight every day just to do mediocre things. The largest problem of all is the fact that I'm constantly alone, no where to go, and no way to get there even if I could.
Ok, I think I've ranted enough... thanks for reading, if anyone read this far.
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