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Something very good is happening to me, but it is hard to explain. I will try to do it here. I associate it with the color green. And it's not the conservationy, ecologically sound kind of green, although if everyone shared this state of mind we wouldn't have any environmental problems. And it's not a drug induced kind of green, although I think you might be able to understand what I'm talking easier if you've tried marijuana or mushrooms.
I remember feeling this way for the first time a very long time ago, and I haven't really felt it as strongly since then until now, although there have been hints of it here and there. That first time I felt this way strongly was when I was 17 and engaging in some heavy petting for the first time. It's an esoteric feeling of arousal, intoxication, growth, health, and happiness. And it's all located inside of your brain; you do not need a drug to access it. You don't have to be having sex to access it, either. I think you just need to know what it feels like and recognize it. Then, I'm hoping, all you need to do is cultivate it.
But it has occurred to me that maybe this is just me and nobody will really know what I'm talking about. My therapist certainly doesn't, but I think the fact that I'm in therapy has helped me to remember this state of mind. And it's not something that I experience all of the time. I find it's hard to access it at work, and when I do experience it the feeling is fleeting. I just can't grab a hold of it good. It's not something that is constant or consistent yet, but I'm hoping that I'll get there.
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