Not this shit again!

[AngryOldDem]

I haven't posted here in awhile, but something happened at work yesterday that drove home -- once again -- how some people just. don't. understand. depression.

I'm going through a particularly down period right now. It started basically late last fall when I interviewed for a good job in the field in which I was trained, and it came down between another candidate and me. Well, I guess you can figure how it turned out. I'm currently in a line of work that is, by its very nature stressful (I work at a homeless shelter), and that stress has NOT been eased by a clueless management and community. I am increasingly feeling off-balance and out of my element, despite being told by co-workers that I'm doing a good job. I am looking literally everyday for new opportunities, but I'm stymied both by the bad economy and the persistent self-doubt and negativity that have plagued me since childhood. (I do have a freelance job, which helps tremendously, and I'd like to parlay that freelancing into more steady work -- that is a tough go in and of itself, in this climate.)

And, although I know it serves no purpose, I often find myself ruminating about all those "roads not taken" and how things might have turned out if I had had the balls to do this or that.

Some days it is literally like moving mountains to get myself motivated to go into work. I am sick of the bureaucratic bullshit; I am sick of the grief I have to take from those whose best interests are the only things I have at heart; I am sick of management telling my colleagues and I that we are all insufferable incompetents, even though they have never seen us at work to even form such an opinion (we are second shift). But somehow I go in, put in my time, go home to little or no sleep, and then get up and get ready to do it all over again. I swear, I put myself on autopilot. ANYTHING to get through it.

Yesterday was one such day -- picture Sisyphus moving a rock AND a mountain, if you will. So I get in and a colleague asks me how I'm doing. I was in no mood to sugarcoat anything so I said "I REALLY don't want to be here." That then led to a scolding lecture about how I have to try to find the positive, count my blessings, how I need to focus on the people we're helping (yeah -- all two of 'em (insert bitter laugh) ), and DAMN! How can you LIVE being so NEGATIVE all the time? How can you GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING???

Good question. I thought -- but did not say -- if YOU understood the first thing about depression, you wouldn't need to even ask such an insulting, stupid-ass question. Sometimes things DO pile up to an almost unbearable degree that it does take all you have to get through the day. That's just the way it is, and you cope with it the best you can. Some days it's easier to deal than others. Yesterday, for me, was not my day to easily deal with it. If whistling "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" works for you, cool. But don't PRESUME it will work for me, or anyone else, who often travels the dark road of depression.

Instead of lectures, ask "What can I do?" "Do you want to talk?" Sometimes, just LISTEN and keep the trap shut. Don't judge. The last thing I needed to hear was how shitty my negativity is, AS IF I didn't already know that. The last thing I needed was patronizing bullshit that only made me angrier. Of course, I said none of this, because it really wasn't the time nor the place. I merely looked at him and said that if I was being such a downer, perhaps it would be best if we avoided each other entirely.

Just goes to show that some people persist in thinking that depression is just something one can "snap out of" -- think happy thoughts and all will be well. Damn -- if it were that easy. I'm not going to waste my breath trying to explain this to those who don't understand. I'm quite convinced that simple burnout is a great deal of my problem as well, but management doesn't seem to recognize the concept of burnout. If one of us flames out, they just go to their pool of serfs and pull another one out to take our place.

Part of my frustration is, too, that I KNOW I can do better than what I'm doing now IF I am just given the opportunity. That's ALL I need -- an opportunity. But there are days when I can't help but think -- to quote Jack Nicholson -- that what if this is as good as it gets?

[elleng]

1. You are to be greatly admired.

As I've said before, No Good Deed goes Unpunished.

Thinking of you.

E

[AngryOldDem]

3. Thank you.

I keep telling myself that...and I try to keep in mind all the "little victories" I've had at my job. But there are times when the "defeats" overwhelm.

[pengillian101]

2. Burn-out is imminent

"I'm currently in a line of work that is, by its very nature stressful (I work at a homeless shelter), and that stress has NOT been eased by a clueless management and community."

I went through this also. Please get out before you burn out. Take a nice quiet job. I worked at a women's shelter.

[AngryOldDem]

4. I just applied for a job....

...it asked for a start date and I said the 1st. Unrealistic, maybe, but if it comes through, you can bet I'll make it work, somehow, someway.

It's funny, but you would think that just by the very nature of the work, the management at the shelter would be aware of burnout. But whenever it's been brought up, it's been dismissed, ignored, or met with "Well, that's why we have the Employee Assistance Plan through your health insurance." EAP is basically a crisis-call line.

[nadine_mn]

5. Sometimes, my inner voice is that annoying asshat you describe

I have depression. I also currently have a shitty life (unemployed for 15 months, grandpa died, had to put to sleep our eldest dog, can't find a job) so I am hitting the major stressors in life along with the usual depression.

Its hard to explain, but even though I am clinically depressed, I have always been optimistic. The thing that is so frustrating about depression is the misconception that you have to be sad all the time.

I am going through a time when just waking up in the morning is more than I can bear. My depression has been managed with medication, but this bout has been worse. And yet, that stupid voice in my head keeps telling me to count my blessings, to look on the bright side, and to snap out of it. I argue with myself... I keep saying that I need to get my shit together and quit feeling sorry for myself.

But I know that if someone else was going through the same thing, I would never say that to them. I try to tell myself that this is what depression is, that it isn't something that you can snap out of. But I am a stubborn asshat and don't listen.

I feel your frustration

all I can do is give you a grumpy hug and tell you to hang in there

[Tab]

6. My take on it is

if you dread going to work, and it affects your mental health, try another line of work. Since you've been working at a shelter, I'm guessing the income isn't much more than you might find elsewhere.

Perhaps find a job elsewhere that is more down your alley, and volunteer for work at the shelter (or do it for pay, but not as your primary income). It's sounding like it has a toxic effect on you, and sooner or later you'll have to get out, so do it under your own control.

Good luck.

[AngryOldDem]

7. I just heard back from the job I applied for.

I was passed over.

Honest to God, I think if I EVER got any good news, I would keel over dead from the shock.