Learning to let things go

[Droopy]

The last time I was in talk therapy I tried working on that. I'm really hard on myself and I dwell on the past a lot. Times when I fucked up. Times when other people fucked me up. Fucked up times. Just all the bad shit in general that I've experienced. It has created a state of mind that is conducive to self-loathing. My therapist thought that I would feel much better about myself if I lost some weight. And, admittedly, I did need to lose a lot of weight. I was about 100 pounds overweight. So I took her advice and started eating right and losing weight.

I've lost close to 50 pounds, my body feels much better, and I look better. But guess what? Yup, I'm as hard on myself as I've ever been.

I'm a trucker so that doesn't help me much in my quest for peace of mind. The reason for that is that I don't have to engage my brain a whole lot most of the time. I'm just riding down the road thinking about things. I can let that state of mind go for short periods of time and I've posted here what that feels like just in case you were wondering about my cryptic thread here with the music links in it. It can feel other-worldly at times, usually after I've been particularly hard on myself. But I can't hold on to that feeling of clarity and freedom. I always slip back down to where I was.

Your thoughts?

[mopinko]

1. it is a trap for us all.

nothing quite like having teenaged kids to make you dwell on whether or not you have made wise choices in your life.

seriously, you are doing a great job, droop. you have made so much out of your life, which could have been mired in bs. maybe you should be recording your thoughts while you drive? maybe you would be a little less lost inside yourself then. :shrug:

or maybe you should listen to rushbo, just to keep your adrenalin up?

[Droopy]

2. I can't pollute my brain with Rush :) It's already polluted enough

I have satellite radio and there is a lefty channel on it, but to tell the truth I can't get into that either. Strangely, once I got treatment for my mental illness I stopped liking talk radio of any sort and I much prefer music. Sometimes I'll really get into the music and start playing the drums on my steering wheel and singing. But most of the time the music is sort of a backdrop to my thoughts. Something that's a little better than listening to the hum of the wheels.

Maybe there is nothing I can do about the problem. I guess it could just be the way I'm made and I need to learn to deal with it.

[mopinko]

3. i was kidding, of course.

maybe you should consider it a victory that you now prefer music to all that chattering. maybe you are on the way. take some stock of how far you have come?

i like that about long drives, too, tho, singing with no one to complain. nobody lets me sing.

[Digit]

4. My "woulda, shoulda, coulda" tapes also play over and over

One show which I believe to be on Sat radio is Coast-to-Coast. They cover many topics; some are rather "out there" topic-wise and can range from UFO's, Psychics, space exploration, astrology, new medical breakthroughs, Area 51, robotics, politics, conspiracy theories, etc, etc. They LOVE hearing from truckers and the truckers will identify themselves with the airhorn when they get on the air. During Open lines, people call in with all sorts of stories, and truckers will call in with strange things they have seen in their travels.
I usually check out the website http://www.coasttocoastam.com/ to see what is coming on so I can pick and choose.

The other thing I would suggest just for some variation might be books on tape which may be available at your local library. This hopefully would engage your mind to use more visual imagery which might prevent your mind from focusing on your problems.

Music of course is great, and I am glad you have found some stations you enjoy.

Happy Trails!