The first thing that crossed my mind this morning was, "I've lost my faith in humanity."

[Ladyhawk]

I HAVE lost my faith in humanity. And it upsets me.

In the year 2000, I underwent ECT. Afterward, I told myself I was starting over. I was going to forget about the betrayals of the past and live my life as best I could, but there was a whole new string of betrayals.

I came out of the closet as an atheist and my mother flipped. The friends I had wouldn't accept me and told me my depression would be cured if I would just return to Jesus. (Sorry, no. I was depressed as a Christian, too.) I lost a boyfriend who was cheating on me and an online friend of many years.

My last two relationship failures were the final straw. Two of my music teachers insisted if I would just follow their paths, I'd be okey-dokey. One was a Christian. I thought he was a good friend, but he cornered me and tried to proselytize me. The other was a Buddhist who thought if I'd just do good Buddhist things I'd be all right. I saw each as a rejection because, basically, they were saying I wasn't OK the way I was.

I didn't even share anything personal with the Buddhist lady. She just thought I was "negative." It freaked me out that I wasn't able to fool her into thinking I was normal. I really thought I always put on my "happy" face when I was around her.

Now I've run into someone on Facebook that I knew way back in high school and college. What do I say? I'm on disability and my life sucks? There are some very positive things going for me, but in my current depressed state, I don't know if I can fool her for long. There's also the small problem that I no longer believe in God. We went to fundy school together. I have no idea what she believes, but it's been my experience that Christians will not accept atheists. And no, I'm not going to hide my beliefs. I got sick of doing that.

Recently, it struck me that all my art and photos focus on animals and nature. There were only a few pictures of people and they were always last on my list of favorites.

I really don't like the human beast much anymore. It upsets me, but I can't change the way I feel. A quick look at GD these days merely confirms what I already feel.

This morning I realized that getting back in touch with someone from my past has a lot of repercussions and that it's nearly certain my old friend would run for the hills if she knew about my atheism and severe depression. I will hide the depression as best I can, but it makes me hate myself and other people for judging, judging, ALWAYS judging.

I really hope we're right that it's not my fault, because if it is, I've wasted my entire life. I've tried hard to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, but no effort was good enough. I wasn't good enough. I fucked up.

People are social animals, but I'm so afraid of them, I stay in my apartment and get more and more depressed. It doesn't help that I don't have the energy to expend (been suffering from hypersomnia).

People freak me out and I don't know how to fix that.

[Forkboy]

1. I've pretty much ended all social contact with the exception of two people.

One I've known for 27 years and he knows all about my whole life, so there's nothing to hide. And the other friend is Buddhamama from here, and she's the most understanding person I've ever met. She's really the only thing that gives me any hope for humans, though there's some great people right in this forum here that help in their own unknown ways.

One thing that stands out in your post is your blaming yourself, and I think that's the wrong thing to do (though I can be just as guilty of that myself). I know from my own experience with depression that it distorts reality in a way, and sometimes we read into things that aren't the truth, and we can ascribe things to people based on own fears more than anything else. But you can't blame yourself for your depression and your situation. It's clear you've tried very hard to handle things as best you can, and what else can anyone do?

I think you're right to reject the two "friends" who wanted to impose their concept of happiness onto you. To me that's not being a friend. I also think with your old school friend that you should just be honest about your life. If they have problems with it are they really that good of a friend anyways? I don't think so. If they understand then you've gained an ally. If they don't then you've really lost nothing. I tell people straight up about me being bipolar and manic depressive. If they can't accept it that's their problem, not mine. After you do it for awhile you no longer fear a negative reaction from someone.

People freak me out, too, and I now spend about 99% of my time alone. According to my father, the male side of my family have always been complete loners going back to my great grandfather at least, so I'm just carrying on tradition. I'm a curmudgeon so I really don't mind it for the most part, but I do sympathize with people who want to be social.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Depression can be so debilitating. :hug:

[Droopy]

2. People can be scary. Especially when your brain isn't working right.

You say that you worry that your depression is your fault. That's probably not the case, but what if it was? Would that make it worse? My symptoms first appeared after a bad acid trip. To this day I don't know if it was the drug that did it or just coincidental timing. Either way it does not change the fact that I have this illness. There is no point in dwelling on it. I just need to keep doing the right things to treat it.

I have experience with depression as an aspect of my illness. It was always mixed with psychotic symptoms, but I do understand how crushing clinical depression can be. It leads a lot of people to an early grave.

I limit my contact with toxic people. They never do anything but bring me down. It seems like it's a sport to them and the ones who play head games just do not know what they are fooling with. You simply should not fuck with people who have brain problems. I like people who tell it like it is, who are honest, and who don't have some fucked up agenda to see how many people they can piss off in any given day. I like genuinely nice people. Those are the kind of people I try to surround myself with. I think you should contact your old friend on Facebook and just ask her straight up about her religious beliefs. Tell her you're an atheist. I'm an agnostic and I can get along with anybody as long as they aren't thumping me over the head with a bible. The problem is that a lot of Christians like to do that. They can't just accept me for who I am and get on with the business of being friends. I think they are afraid they will get black marks on their records upstairs if they aren't constantly recruiting. :)

There are lots of good people out there and several of them are probably going to reply to this very thread. I'm a good person. Forkboy is a good person. You are a good person.

I think it's very good that you can express yourself through art. Keep painting them critters. Maybe some day soon you'll feel like painting people again.

[no name no slogan]

3. In some ways, your turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to old friends

I, too, have gotten back in touch with a lot of old high school friends via Facebook. I had not even talked to anybody from my high school in fifteen years (my school had 2300 students in three grades, my graduating class had 700). I hated high school. I had very few friends, and was convinced that everybody hated me. In my senior year yearbook, I didn't have a single autograph.

Naturally, I was leery of friending any high school classmates. I missed our 20th reunion two years ago because I was in the hospital due to a bipolar episode. In the end, I ended up friending a bunch of them. I was quite open about my bipolar disorder, and they were all (surprisingly) very accepting and understanding. In fact, I had one of the most popular girls from high school compliment me on my blog (which is about my experiences living with manic depression). In fact, EVERYONE has been very kind, caring and extremely supportive of me. Even when I went though a small problem with lithium toxicity over the past month, they were all encouraging and sent many a kind note saying they were thinking of me.

I know it's the depression talking when you say you think that everybody will judge you, or won't like you because you're an athiest, or won't like you because you're depressed. Most people are more understanding than you think. Sometimes, you just have to take the risk, and give them a chance.

[Ladyhawk]

4. Yeah, I've thought of that.

However, I also think about the many, many times I've been blindsided by people I thought were trustworthy.

Also, I neglected to mention an extremely nasty incident in college. This particular person was on the periphery, but she WAS there. What happened actually led to my first depressive episode since high school, a depressive episode which has basically lasted 25 years or more.

I have reason to be wary.

[Ladyhawk]

5. Also, don't you think your post is perhaps a tiny bit judgmental?

I'd already thought of the possibility of self-fulfilling prophecy, but as it concerns the person on Facebook, I mostly dismissed the idea because of prior experiences with this person. It's possible she's changed. I know I have. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt for now.

My prior experiences with people have made me gun-shy, but considering some of the things I've gone through, it's perfectly understandable. It's also understandable that I've lost faith in humanity. I'd like to regain some faith in our species, but even when I "start over" as I have so many times--clean slate; no baggage--there have been serious problems before too long. I've tried many different approaches. Currently, I mostly don't care, but care enough to wish I cared.

[hunter]

6. I hide behind a wall of stark naked bravado

If anyone is wondering what I'm about, they know where to look, or where not to look... :yoiks:

I've learned a lot from my dogs: Let's see, someone figures they can save my tortured soul by selling me their religion... What Would Dog Do?

If person was sweet and sincere and truly felt their religion was a wonderful experience, dog would smile and wag tail even if he didn't understand what the hell person was talking about. If person was smiling on the outside, but smelled insincere or mean, dog would maybe back away and even growl if religion person got in dog's face.

Maybe I don't worry about yesterday as much as I should, but I imagine there would be some days I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed if I did, or else I'd try to bury myself in one of my obsessions.

I'm fortunate my meds keep me rather functional, and they also suppress the paranoid and psychotic aspects of my depression. But even so, and for better or worse, I still had to consciously throw away any sensitivity I have that other people are judging me because my perceptions of that judging have proven to be wildly inaccurate time after time.

So there I am trying to emulate the crazy optimism and faith in humanity a dog has, and it sort of works.

:hug:

[hedgehog]

7. Hang in there sweetie - this is a bad time of year for a lot of us.

Be sure to make your appointment Thursday - we're all rooting for you!

[hedgehog]

8. Can you find some place to sit in the sun? Around here, the bird room at the zoo

is very soothing in the cold weather because it's warm and well lit.

[Ladyhawk]

9. Well, someone used a trojan to hack into my computer.

My PayPal, eBay and Steam accounts were stolen. Whomever it was bought a bunch of crap on eBay. I had to freeze my bank and credit card accounts.

Let me say that Homo sapiens officially sucks.

That is all.

[no name no slogan]

10. Aw crap, sorry to hear that :(

There was a trojan/virus going around that was supposed to launch itself in early April, so that may have been it. Either way, that still sucks. :hug:

[Ladyhawk]

13. Thanks. It was a trojan called clicker.xxl.

I've run across it again, but my antivirus caught it.

Meanwhile, I've closed all my accounts...sucks ass.

[undergroundpanther]

11. I too have no trust in humans

I prefer the company of cats.Big or small I love them because when humans were or are so mean, too selfish,bystanding, or too obedient to a corrupted person or system to care about me, the cats cared.The cats love me as I am,whatever I choose to become too.
If humanity was not so anthropocentric,they could stand to learn from the feline.Like learn how to love,the lost art of affection and how to stand up for children how to stomp bullies.The Cats they are more humane than the human.

[Ladyhawk]

12. It's occurred to me that I've always loved animals more than people.

Someone in an above post (or was it another thread?) told me I'd be drawing people again. It got me thinking. I've never liked drawing people. My interest has always been animals. I remember thinking, as a child, I'd rather be an animal. My father was mean to me. I was picked on in school. Things haven't exactly got better since. I prefer the company of my parrot. Even if he bites me, I generally know why.

So, I guess a part of me has never trusted people. I just trust them less and less as the back-stab numbers increase. I can never trust people AGAIN because I never trusted them in the first place.

[Ladyhawk]

14. Fundies don't like atheists.

My friend from high school / college is showing every sign of still being a fundy.

I don't want to get shafted again.

[Lorien]

15. Wasn't it Dick Cavitt who said "people grieve more when they lose a pet

because we all have mixed feelings about the people in our lives that we lose. There are no mixed feelings about a pet". I'm the same way; I rarely leave the house, I mostly take photos of nature and animals. I have loved many humans, but they don't return the sentiment. My doctor, who is also dismayed by her fellow homo sapiens, often says "you and I are too sensitive for this world. It batters us and wears us down. It will always be a struggle". And I'm afraid that she's right.

It's cruel that we are made to be social creatures, isn't it? I long so much for human contact that I perpetually feel heartbroken, but I've been rejected and let down so many times that constantly putting myself out there is tough. I have loads of friends and acquaintances, but few that I see in person or truly connect with. I never bring up religion or my depression with anyone unless they ask me directly about it, which hardly ever happens. My born again Christian friends know I'm an atheist and they never try to convert me. Even my mother-a missionary-doesn't really try. If they bring it up I change the subject, so they know better than to do that! Neither of us will convince the other of anything, so why bother? They accept me as I am and I accept them as they are. We may both share other things in common; a love of art, our pets, the desire for a better world...any number of things. So why focus on differences?

I notice that I can manage my depression with diet, exercise, and my Alpha-stim IF I have regular contact with people who are supportive, kind and fun to be with. Unfortunately that only happens once in a very long while, usually when I'm visiting someone out of town (which hardly ever happens anymore). How do we find like minded individuals? We're all so connected by our technology, yet completely disconnected at the same time these days. I wish I knew what the answer is.