I'm a fucking joke

[TZ]

Literally in a month I will be...a Forty year old virgin. Just like the goddamned movie. I've failed at every relationship I've ever had or tried to have. I'm totally alienated from my family. And I may have just alienated a wonderful friend..I apologized for my bad behavior of the last week or so, but I've heard nothing back yet...she's busy but it scares me, and after the awful things I said and her totally correct lecture on me..I'm not so sure she wants anything to do with me and I'm terrified to approach again and yet it would destroy me to know the friendship is over..Which would be just the latest in a long string of broken/dropped/friendships relationships my entire life. I know what my problems are..too clingy, don't deal with boundaries too well..try to hard to live vicariously through others..but I can't stop making the same mistakes over and over again. The very definition of insanity...I know I need to go back on meds (my doctor forgot to refill my Lexapro a month ago and I've been so busy with physical ailements -Just back from Mayo clinic) that I haven't had a chance to refill that. I know I should probably get a psychiatrist as well but I'm scared to do that...I know I'm an awful person and I'm afraid to see it to acknowledge just how awful...and yet I know I need to get the help...My job is suffering right now...I'm keeping my coworkers that I normally socialize at at arms length. And you know what the worst is..Its so hard for me to be around happiness at the momemt..It just makes me realize what a miserable mess I am. I cry all the time. Only time I'm not unhappy is when I'm asleep.
Oh and to top it, there is someone I'm interested in, but who is almost totally unavailable due to distances in space and time..AND I'm not sure is emotionally ready to be more than my friend anyway..but I still have feelings for them even though I have not talked to them in ages...
I'm posting here in desperation....I may have hit emotional rock bottom today.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Check your PM.

[Odin2005]

2. *Hugs TZ*

:hug:

Whatever you do, don't give in the self-hating, it's a downward slope into oblivion.

[spoony]

3. You're looking through a foggy lens

It makes everything look bad and irreparable, it screws up your sense of self and sense of yourself relative to others. Trust me, there's a lot that's good that's being obscured in that fog. Get that Lexapro filled and let it help wipe things clearer for you, because I promise you you're not a joke and you're not an awful person. When I'm not on my Lexapro, I feel the same way.

[mdmc]

4. yup yup

Hang in there ..

[qb]

5. I know how that need to connect with someone can lead to behavior that drives them away.

Friendships need to be nurtured. I had to make myself back off from my best friend. I had to remind myself to leave him alone for a while, as hard as that was. A day gone by without hearing from him had me wondering if he hated me. I found a good therapist who helped me calm my emotions down so I could be comfortable giving others their space.

You're not a joke and you're not awful. Maybe your behavior was, but that's not you.

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

6. 1) DON'T EVER, EVER go off your meds cold turkey

especially something like Lexapro. That will f*ck you up like you can't believe (and yes, I am speaking from experience, sadly enough). I would even venture that you're probably getting some sort of rebound depression from doing that, and it is affecting your thinking and judgment. Which is also part of why you feel so lousy.

2) Find yourself a psychiatrist you can trust and respect. Get evaluated and get on a medication. And for f*ck's sake KEEP TAKING IT. If you feel the need to go off it, do so gradually over the course of several weeks.

Going off of psych meds all at once is a very bad idea, and can lead to a serious relapse or even death. No joke. Your physical health is very important, but it doesn't mean f*ck-all if you let your mental health go to hell.

Please get that Lexapro scrip refilled, TZ, and stick with your medication plan.

And just because you go off your meds DOES NOT make you an awful person, so just dispel that errant thought from your mind. We all make mistakes and have judgment lapses (I have a whole f*cking trainload of them-- the worst of which lasted ten years, and cost me several tens of thousands of dollars) but that does not make you a bad person. It only makes you human.

Do yourself a favor, and take care of yourself. Because at the end of the day, nobody else will.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[TZ]

7. I got my Lexapro script today and took my first dose at lunch.

We'll see how soon it kicks in. I'm miserable at work and I'm miserable at home and bought some OTC pain sleep/medciations so I can go to sleep without crying myself into unconciousness. I think I'm going to sleep as much as I possibly can over the long weekend.
It seems to be my best coping mechanism. I'm going to have to wait on the therapy though. I'm in no shape to make a coherent choice at this point.

[mopinko]

9. sleep is the best medication

when i am not getting enough, i fall apart. enough for me takes up way too much of my life, but what is left is worth shit without it, so....
would your doc write you some ambien or something? melatonin really works.
take care of your self. fuck your family.

and you are not a joke. look at it this way- you avoided being a stripper or a slut, used and tossed aside like so many other young ladies who didn't think much of themselves. (i love chris rock's routine about having a baby daughter. "from then on you have one goal in life- keep your daughter off the pole.)
take care, rest up, and check back in.

[CreekDog]

8. And remember you are not a joke

you've done lots of things well. you know your job, you've confronted your health challenges in an admirable and determined way and you've made friends here rather quickly --much faster than i ever did.

:hug:

[woo me with science]

10. Hey....

There is nothing wrong with being a 40-year-old virgin. People take different paths in life, and there is nothing wrong with yours, despite what Hollywood or anybody else might tell you. Where you find yourself in life at this moment does not mean that you are inherently less healthy or capable than anyone else. Look around you. Some people are trapped in loveless marriages. Some people move from one wrecked relationship to another. Some people choose solitude and are happy with it. There are no rules that say you have to have done this by this age, and there is nothing saying that your life can't change completely next week or next month, if you decide you want it to. You still have years ahead of you to live. You still can decide what you want and need, and seek it out. You just sound really, really depressed right now and in need of some care and understanding.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care of the depression first, as others have stated above. Find someone to talk to who sees your tremendous worth and potential rather than this catalogue of perceived failings, so that you can see and feel them again. You are part of the family of humans. You are no less valuable than any other human being, and you have a place here as surely as everyone else.



Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

[Forkboy]

11. No, not to me.

I can't really add anything that woo me with science didn't already say so eloquently, but you've always seemed very cool to me, with a good head on your shoulders and ready sense of humor (I like that in people, as you may know lol).

"Its so hard for me to be around happiness at the moment."

I can so relate to that, and I think many others can as well because the depression has this evil side effect of becoming our comfort zone, so even though we're miserable we're also afraid to try being happy, which mostly starts with being happy with ourselves. The depression short circuits that ability to think of ourselves in a positive light, and it's a distorted version of ourselves that we end up seeing in the mirror. The depressed version isn't the real you, though it seems just the opposite when you're in it.

I wish I could help on the friendship/relationship thing, but all you have to do is ask the DUer Angel, who is my ex-wife, just how good I am at the relationship thing. x(

:hug:

[hedgehog]

12. Here's hoping that the last line in your post is right and you have hit

rock bottom. That would mean the only way left is up!

I agree with the posts above; to me depression isn't a reaction to bad events but something that makes all of life look bad! Your feelings are real, but the situation isn't. (I hope that makes sense) You feel bad, but things aren't as bad as you think they are. Take your medicine, get a doctor and try to take it from one breathe to the next. We've been where you are now.