I wanted to know her, but she was so far away even when I was sitting next to her.

[Tobin S.]

I've been thinking about my last hospital stay and some of the people I got to know while I was there. It was six years ago and while I look back on it as a positive, life altering experience I certainly don't want to go back there- at least not as a patient.

I was admitted on a Saturday night after telling an admitting nurse that I'd like to kill myself. I also admitted to having thoughts of harming others. It's not my nature to harm people, but I thought I was under psychic assault and I couldn't drive them from inside my head. They expected me to be drunk or strung out on drugs, but I was completely sober which they verified with blood and urine tests. I wasn't like a lot of people who get admitted to the psychiatric ward who end up with a dual diagnosis of a mental illness and addiction to a drug and/or alcohol. Nope, I was just plain crazy.

They gave me an anti-psychotic there in the emergency room as well as some kind of tranquilizer that knocked me out cold. Next thing I know I'm at a different hospital promising a nurse that I won't hurt anyone on the ward. Then I passed out again.

I awoke the next morning at sunrise. It was very bright in the room because our window faced the east. I saw my room mate for the first time and he was still asleep. They had washed the clothes that I came in with and set them at the foot of my bed. I changed into them and went out to the ward. I was still pretty fucked up, but I was feeling better. I no longer felt like hurting anyone including myself. That's when I saw her for the first time.

I walked into the dining area and there was a woman about my age, in her 30s, sitting at one of the tables and staring out of a window. I figured she was waiting on breakfast and thought I'd do the same. I sat down at a different table. I wasn't feeling too sociable and wouldn't for a few more days, so I didn't try to strike up a conversation with her. She didn't seem to notice me. Then she began speaking in whispers, seemingly to no one. She paused and smiled like she was listening to someone else talk, then began whispering again. It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen. I tried to make out what she was saying, but couldn't.

I was intrigued by her. My room mate later told me that he was afraid of her. I told him she was probably harmless, and gave her the Tobin diagnostic test. I thought she had severe schizophrenia. She would walk through the halls all day whispering to no one anyone else could see. As soon as someone would say something to her, she would acknowledge them, but she wouldn't speak to them and then she would hurry back to her room.

I wanted to know more about her and became determined to have a conversation with her. One day I went into the recreation room to watch TV. She was there sitting in a chair and looking out a window and having one of those whispery conversations. She seemed to be unaware that I was there. I sat in a chair somewhat close to her, grabbed the remote for the TV, and slowly began turning down the volume. She got quieter as the TV got turned down, but still didn't acknowledge my presence, and I still couldn't hear what she was saying.

Finally, I decided to try to talk to her. I said in a somewhat loud voice, "Hey, how ya doin?" She looked at me, smiled and said she was fine, then apparently got embarrassed and went back to her room. As far as I know, that's the only time she had any kind of conversation with any of the patients there while I was on the ward. Most of the people there were like my roommate- they were afraid of her.

I wanted to know about her life and her illness. I wanted to know how she had ended up in the hospital and how long she'd been there. I wanted to know who she was talking to in those whispers. I want to know if she saw the people she was talking to and when they had first appeared. I wanted to befriend her and have good conversations with her, even if it was just for a few days on the psych ward. I was thinking that she was all alone in the world, besides the people she talked to that no one else could see.

[no name no slogan]

1. That's a cool story

schizophrenia is such a baffling disease, and those who live with it are fascinating in so many ways.

I know one person with schizophrenia. She's the daughter of some friends of my mothers' and she does remarkably well. She first got sick in her teens, and despite that, she holds down a part-time job, lives on her own, and even drives. She is a bit isolated socially, but no more so than many other young adults who have mental illness.

She's also a mean Scrabble player and can clean my clock at it any day. :P