Hi, I'm feeling pretty screwed up right now.

[Ladyhawk]

I've suffered from severe, recurring treatment-resistant depression since I was 19. I had one episode before that. Since then remissions come fewer and farther between and I still don't feel quite "right" during the remissions.

For the most part, not a single drug has made much of a difference. Either that or I didn't get a therapeutic dosage or there were side-effects.

I did have ECT in 2000. It was either that or die. Since I value my intellect, this was a hard decision to make. It did help for awhile, but now I'm back to the same pattern.

This summer a new psychiatrist prescribed Strattera, which increases nor-epinephrine instead of serotonin levels in the brain. For awhile, that seemed to help, too. I spent a lot of time in nature. I only really felt happy when I was at the lake AWAY from people.

During the past year I've discovered I really don't like people very much. Most of these feelings stemmed from a single event. Funny, but only cops were nice to me after this event and I don't trust cops. Nurses, doctors, friends and family on the other hand, used this event to rake me over the coals. It was excruciating.

The move to this apartment came at the same time as the season change. My lake was drained for the winter. The shrub stole the election. I realized I couldn't be around my right-wing family anymore. I have to undergo neck surgery soon. I'm not doing very well.

The psychiatrist hasn't been able to see me regularly. An increase in Strattera took two months longer than it should have. The head of the clinic where I was seeing my counselor dropped me because they said my case was too hard--more fallout from the "event." I'm still livid about that.

It's been twelve months and I'm still waiting for that MRI.

Sweet Jesus, I hate our "health care" system.

[Droopy]

1. That clinic that told your case was too hard

was wrecklessly irresponsible, imo. That blows my mind. How could anybody turn away a person who is seriously depressed? Sounds like the councelors were incompetent rather than you being too hard a case. That really steams me. Christ, they treat prisoners for mental illness. People who have killed and raped people and shit. How could you be too hard a case?

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain right now. :hug:

[Ladyhawk]

3. Thanks. Sometime I will post the whole story on here. I did once...

...but the moderators took it down. It was too much, I guess.

I lost my counselor and my doctor when I lost in the clinic. My religiously insane mother decided I was "demon-possessed." A person that I thought was my friend tried to convert me to the dark side of the force (back into right-wing Christian fundamentalism). I've never been able to forgive him. I lost faith in people. Period.

[skygazer]

2. I'm so sorry

I know what you mean about the health system. And it is when we are at our most vulnerable that we're forced to try to navigate through it. I've been trying to find a psychaitrist who is within my insurance plan since I sure as hell can't affort to pay one out of my pocket. Seems that most mental health workers that are covered are "Licensed Clinical Social Workers" whatever the hell that means.

I went to one since I really needed to see someone. She first tried to solve all my issues that I wanted to talk about - these were things I just needed to get off my chest - wasn't looking for advice on how to solve them. Were that the case, I would have seen a lawyer.

Then she told me I needed to put my faith in Jesus. That's when we parted company and I've seen no one since. It's simply draining to try to deal with all that crap on top of being nuts.

I wish I could offer some help or insight but I do offer my understanding and support. :hug:

[no name no slogan]

4. Are there any advocacy services near you?

I know they exist, and it may be worth looking into.

An Advocate basically does what you'd think they do: they advocate your case, on your behalf, to the health care system, and help you get the proper care you need to be healthy. They are typically free for those of modest means or on assistance. When you're in the depths of a depression, they can take care of the things that may be impossible for you to do on your own.

Thankfully, I've got two great advocates in my mother and wife. My wife has literally saved my life on at least one occassion by taking over my care plan, and telling the clinic what I needed. I know I would not be here if not for her.

Try contacting the United Way or your local chapter of NAMI. They should be able to help you find someone to help.

:grouphug:

[Ann Arbor Dem]

6. Great advice!

Ladyhawk...I hope you seriously consider following up on it. Years ago I had the experience of talking to an intake worker who left me in tears. On top of it, the woman wanted to be my therapist. It was at a low point in my depression and I was paralyzed about fighting for myself. If it weren't for two friends of mine who were outraged and helped me work through it, I would have not called the intake worker, told her "no thanks" and asked for another therapist. I would probably opted for no therapy.

Shortly afterward, I talked to the head of the clinic about my experience, the long-term damage that person could have done to me and the damage she probably have inflicted on others as well.

[Ladyhawk]

7. Advocacy groups have been gutted in this county.

They laid off almost all the staff. I lost my worker three times, then was told I no longer could have one.

[northamericancitizen]

5. Hello, did you try

a mood stabilizer combined with antidepressor. I know it worked for some people.

See my post about recovery maybe, I hope, you will find other paths leading to an easier way of being.

Lise

[jdots]

8. Ladyhawk you have to write,paint,anything to express

what you have is meant to come out,you are not alone in this one.if you feel like you are loosing it,do it thru expressing it with some form of art and don't do it for any other reason than to do it.
I lost it pretty bad a few months ago and checked myself in to the crappy ward for the 3 days of hell,don't do it,you are sane,the world is fucked up and you care in a time when everybody seems to be hiding from it.Promiss me to not watch t.v. please it makes anyone sensitive feel shitty and these happy pills we all take do just so much to take the edge off.Let your art be your shrink too,finding a good shrink seems impossable lately,why do some of them become shrinks when they seem to not do it well,or give a damn about anything but "see you next week "
send me a message if you are flipping out,i do it daily if i see or hear anything they call news,it isn't news,its chatter.

[Ladyhawk]

9. I find I have no creativity when I'm like this.

I may try it anyway. :)

[diamondsoul]

10. Here's an idea-

Maybe start out with some simple painting supplies and paint an abstract of your lack of creativity. Sometimes trying to work with the shadows leads to the highlights in artistic expression.

[Ladyhawk]

11. That's an interesting idea.

I DID finish an arrangement of a song I was working on. I'm still able to sing and work with music. Go to this thread if you want to hear my work:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=2287796&mesg_id=2287796


The art, however, is repressed. I used to do all kinds of arts and crafts, everything from fine art to simple crafts. I won top prize in the professional category at the fair several years ago. I miss it. I've been wanting to draw creatures from the Mesozoic, lately, especially dromaeosaurs and troodontids. I love the big killing claw on the feet. That design was a winner. I would have loved to see a big Utahraptor in action. I wonder what color feathers they had? (Yes, they probably had feathers!)