I got so upset today, I wound up losing my lunch, something that's never happened to me before.

[EFerrari]

My brother is downstairs working on the other unit and he took it into his head to replant the flower boxes in front of the building.

I have three miracle roses there. They're been growing in a foot of dirt for about five years. I asked him to let me do the refurbishing because I didn't want the roses out. Mom told him not to tear out the roses. This morning I went down stairs and the boxes had all been replanted and the corpses of my roses were on the driveway with their feet sticking up in the air.

And in their place, he planted pretty but fragile annuals that are going to die on the next hot day.

I tried to find Gene and couldn't. Called my poor mother and raved for about five minutes, probably scaring every bird for a five mile radius. Came back upstairs and was ill. It's taken almost an hour for me to try to get my breathing back to normal.

Rosie called him and told him to put them back. Right. If he didn't protect the roots on the way out, that will be a big waste of time. Plus he doesn't know anything about planting roses. I'm too angry to talk to either of them right now because I'll just start yelling again and there's been enough of that for one day. So, I guess I'll sit here while he puts them back in the ground.

The thing is, my brother is ADD. He doesn't process stuff that you tell him very readily sometimes. He didn't set out to ignore what I said or what Rosie said or to hurt my feelings or to ruin my roses. My brother wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose, ever.

But the problem is, the consensus is, I shouldn't get angry about these incidents when they happen, either. I'm pretty sure this "but, don't get angry" rule is one of the reasons I developed panic attacks in my 20s. There was a strong pre-disposition but it's likely that this "don't get angry" imperative upped the probability that I would develop panic attacks.

I feel a little stupid for caring about this so much. And a little sad, too, because you'd think by our age, we'd have figured out how to manage this shit.

[Forkboy]

1. In my experience, when I wonder why something little is bothering me so much...

...it's really because something else, something bigger and more important, is really what's bothering me. Then it's just a matter of identifying what that is (easier said than done most of the time).

I do think that sublimated anger is a cause of both panic attacks and depression. I know instead of lashing out I turn the anger inwards, where it morphs into depression. I was never depressed when I acted on my anger when I was younger. But that resulted in a lot of kicked asses, which, while enjoyable, was just wrong. So I have two options...be depressed or let my anger out. Neither one will have a positive result.

And hey, I'm 41 and I can't manage anything. :)

:hug:

[EFerrari]

2. I've never kicked anyone's @ss before but I better sit here until he leaves

because there's a first time for everything.

Gene is 8 years younger than I am and maybe I had to be patient with him when I was too young to pull it off. Today probably yanked the mother of all chains of earlier, similar incidents.

[InkAddict]

3. I am so sorry for your loss....

I too have lost treasured roses...

In the driest whitest stretch of pain's infinite desert, I lost my sanity and found this rose." -- Rumi


Try again...

[EFerrari]

7. Thanks, InkAddict. n/t

[mopinko]

4. oh, man.

this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder how we even got to be social animals at all.
don't feel stupid for caring about your roses. who would you be if you didn't care about your roses? you are certainly entitled to rage about such an event even if it was a complete accident, with no human intervention at all. if they had been fried by lightening, what would you be feeling? ok, then, you are entitled to at least that, aren't you?
maybe your brother will learn something from this. maybe he won't, of course. but still.
maybe you will be able to nurse them back to health, and maybe he would learn something from that.

[EFerrari]

6. Thanks, mo. He stuck them back in the ground

and they're all messed up and in the wrong place -- too close together. I don't know if I can look at them long enough to save 'em. Insult to injury, the annuals he planted will need watering where my sturdy perennials (also ripped out) didn't. Oh, geeze.

[spoony]

5. Not at all stupid for caring about that

Life is difficult and it's often those little things that come together to help us get by, so when one is taken away--even if it wasn't done with malice--it's upsetting. How about treating yourself to something? Indulge a bit.

[EFerrari]

8. Random violence. I think I'm having a nice big flashback

to all the random violence of the Doug years. I don't know if CNN has the video up anywhere but when they did the segment, they used a set of pix I took of the devastation after one of Doug's episodes. I was at work when it got going really well. The pix are of my OED smoldering in the fire place next to charred pieces of my diplomas, my newly covered armchair slashed, my laptop mashed to bits, my violin stepped on, my clothes in the trash bin with broken bits of my jewelery on them like ice cream sprinkles. And that was just the last really big one. It's very impressive.

It's funny how our brains protect us from memories like that because I never think about those episodes any more or dream about them or any thing. At the time, I was in an on line support group and wrote about them as they happened. But, that's probably what this big reaction is all about, random unexpected violence and destruction.

[elleng]

9. Somewhat similar

my 'husband' took my daughters to have their ears pierced (years ago) after I'd said, forever, that I did not like/want such. Will never forget. (NOW suing him for proceeds of sale of house. He's not ADD, no such excuse.) As to garden, he NEVER did ANYTHING I said I'd like there.

[EFerrari]

10. Omg. I think I would have committed a violent crime.

:nuke:

[elleng]

11. So you get it.

Glad I'm not the only one.

[EFerrari]

12. That he's still walking around is a testament to your self control.

:hug:

[elleng]

13. THANKS!

'They,' the family, think I'm NOT in control when I yell at them!

Hope YOU're ok!

[EFerrari]

14. Better, thanks. I finally forced myself to go out there and prune and

replant the poor things. They really weren't planted after all but just set on top of the ground with some dirt spread around them.

Now I feel worried about my bro because he's the kind of guy who fusses over how much he waters his plants. This leaving uprooted plants on top of the ground is bizarre. I have no idea what is going on with him. He's 42. I've never seen anything like this before. :(

[elleng]

15. Maybe you'd like to describe some of his behavior further?

People here are pretty good at listening, describing, and helping figure things out.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

16. Yes, they are. Well, I haven't seen him. But just looking at those plants,

they were arranged in the way a child would "replant" something. Just plopped on top of the ground with a little dirt spread on top of them. It was just bizarre. My brother is usually a very careful man. There's something else going on here.