Is There ANYPLACE in America where an unemployed, suicidal person can

[Lorien]

get help? No, not the kind of "help" that comes from dialing a hotline and talking to someone reading crap out of a handbook, but honest to goodness HELP. Counseling, meds, shock therapy, WHATEVER?

I could usually deal with the chemical/ biological causes of my depression by using my Alpha-stim daily, watching my diet and exercising. Exercise and diet have been tough since I had an accident that left me with a badly sprained and fractured left ankle and dislocated right knee. I've had to depend on my neighbors to go to the grocery store for me, and when they didn't I'd just order pizza. I couldn't afford to rent a wheelchair, so I crawled around on my hands and knee for the past month-which means that both knees are a mess now. I realize how truly alone I am now. When I told most of my friends about my situation they just said "get well soon". No offers of help. I asked the guy I'd been seeing if he'd run some errands for me. He said no, he didn't want me to develop any "expectations" and left. Haven't seen him since (no great loss). I know that my out of State friends would have helped if I were closer, but they're spread all over the country. I've been unemployed for eight months. My home equity loan was taken away by my bank. If I didn't have pets to care for I would have already checked out, but I know how overwhelmed the pet rescue places are. I need to really push myself to find work and finish some projects that could help with that but my chronic fatigue and limbic ADD is worse than it's ever been. I can't focus and I can't stay awake. I freaking HATE what this country is; if you aren't wealthy and successful you're NOTHING. If you can't afford a $150.00 an hour shrink you should just go ahead and swallow all those pills...at least that seems to be the message that we're getting. I just can't stop thinking about how much I want all this to be over with, and naturally my friends (the ones that I can even mention it to) just say that I "need to look at the good in life" and "try to have a more positive attitude". That just doesn't help. IS there any way that you've found to get help that doesn't require an enormous financial investment? I tried signing up to test experimental medications (being a guinea pig for big pharma) but was told that I'm not eligible because I have fibromyalgia, CFS and ADD.

[elleng]

1. Lorien, I'll have to think about your questions,

as will others here, I'm sure. but, where are you located?

:hug:

[Lorien]

2. Orlando, FL

Thanks elleng. :hug:

[elleng]

3. You're welcome, Lorien.

I'm in MD, near DC, but hope some of our Floridians will chime in here.

:hi:

[Tobin S.]

4. I've gotten free meds before, but I did have to pay for a doctor's visit

If you can get enough money together to see a psychiatrist you might be able to get him or her to turn you on to some free samples. Be sure to ask before you shell out any money, though. I'd hate for you to spend money right now and not get the samples.

Look up your state's Medicaid program. Here in Ohio they help women in need with medical care. I don't know how fast you'll get help there, or if you will at all, but it's worth checking into.

If you feel like you can't go on anymore and are going to "check out," check yourself into a hospital. I know that in cases of hardship some hospitals will waive some of their fees. Even if they don't, it's worth the debt if they save your life.

BTW, your friends are pricks. I don't even know you, but if I were from where you are I would lend a hand.

[Lorien]

6. Thanks Tobin

I'd rather check out than be saddled with even more medical debt, but I'll look again to see if I'm eligible for any State programs. Jeb Bush cut so many taxes for the rich that most programs were cut long ago. :-(

[Ladyhawk]

9. Florida and Kah-lee-foh-nee-ah = high suicide rates? nt

[no name no slogan]

5. Contact your county's human services department

Because of your income and health condition, you may qualify for some sort of government assistance. At the very least, they will assign you a caseworker who can help you get help and get appointments.

I work in social services, and believe it or not there are a lot of people who don't realize that there is government help available to them. There's nothing wrong with checking to see if you are eligible for assistance. Good luck.

[Lorien]

7. I'll look into it again, but when last I check there were no State

mental health programs. Most programs were cut when Jeb was in office.

It's tough to try to dig through the online maze and paperwork when you have no energy and no ability to focus!

[Ladyhawk]

11. Yeah, I know. I'm getting tired of being told no. nt

[Ladyhawk]

10. The only problem with checking to see if you qualify for assistance

is that the blow seems to get harder and harder every time you're turned down. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to try.

I think Lorien is in a worse position. I still have a psychiatrist (for now). I am expecting him to move on, though. Then I won't have anything.

[Ladyhawk]

8. Lorien, I hear you. I'm where you are nearly exactly.

California has told me to fuck off and die and I'm starting to realize that's about my only option. They laid off my psychologists, cut back on my disability, cut back on my treatment options. Medicare told me I didn't qualify and Medi-Cal will not let me seek help outside the county. Health care inside the county sucks.

I may spend a few hundred dollars if a relative can get me in for a "charity" SPECT scan, but I'm doubting the scan will reveal anything that wasn't already known.

major depression
possible bipolar depression
OCD
fibromyalgia
CFS
degenerative disc disease
diabetes
sleep apnea

I'm not well enough to be a corporate slave, so I don't matter.

And it doesn't matter that I'm so very fucking talented in so many ways. Art, music, thought: these things don't matter to our society.

Right, Lorien?

You're a brilliant artist, but don't you feel disposable?

[Lorien]

12. I so sorry that you're going through it too Ladyhawk

Yeah, I do often feel disposable. Like you, I've never had a very supportive family. My work has been the only thing that made me feel at all worthwhile, and now it's nearly impossible to find any. I've been trying to switch careers and get into more children's books and fantasy art, hoping that there might be more offerings in those genres, but so far it isn't looking good. I have a number of friends who have been very successful in those fields for ten, twenty, thirty years...even more, and their work has slowed down. It kinda leaves me with little hope. And you can't talk to people who are struggling about your worries or concerns--they just don't want to hear it, or they give you that "so what's your agenda"? look. The still employed ones don't want to hear it either. I have two friends who are very successful fantasy artists AND bodybuilders. She just tells me that I need to work out more, meditate, watch my diet, etc. I know much of what she says is true, but I don't think that she understands that when a person gets into this deep a hole there's just no more energy. For anything. And it's not just a matter of "trying to be more positive". So I end up with no one to talk to about any of it. You just end up with that giant "loser" stamp across your forehead when you can't be lighthearted and funny and upbeat for everyone all the time. So you end up staying at home because you can't put on the show anymore, and yeah, you feel disposable because they forget you ever existed right away. If you aren't producing, making loads of cash, making a name for yourself, then no one wants you around in this country. Ever see the movie "Frieda"? She talks about that, how in America it's all about what you do, not who you are. No one can just "be". I'm so freaking tired of our society and what it's become. I keep wishing that I could go back to the pre-Reagan era when compassion was still cool, but I'm afraid that that mindset is gone forever. I can be a very good and loyal friend, but without money and work connections that ain't enough.

If I ever win the lottery I'll find someplace on the planet where they still give a damn and I'll fly both of us there. Until then, I hope that you can hang on. I guess that's all that either of us can do. :-( :hug:

[Ladyhawk]

13. Ever read a book called The Highly Sensitive Person?

I guess they still give a shit about each other in Sweden, but I'm not sure how I'd adjust to such a climate. I'm a California girl.

As for the other stuff you said: spot on. I know I shouldn't be made to feel like a loser by the attitudes of this society, but I can't seem to shake the overall feeling.

The last couple of years, I've been drawing again: mostly sketches. I've been sketching on lined paper so there would be no pressure to produce, no pressure to sell, no pressure to do things perfectly. Whenever I show them to people, they say, "Why did you draw it on lined paper?" or "Just add some color and I'm sure these would sell like hot cakes."

Don't wanna. Leave me alone. :)



Here's a quick one I actually did in color, but I have no urge to add a background or sell it. Pththththth

[Lorien]

15. I'll have to take a look at that book

A friend of mine read it once and it really hit home with her. She was a supermodel and worked in the film industry for decades. Those industries beat her down, and she was very sensitive to begin with. Now she's in her 60's and feels that the world has used her up and spit her out-and in a way, it has! She, too, lives in California and is on disability. Times are very scary for all of us because it does feel like our States just want us gone!

Your work is very good, but I think it's wise that you do it for yourself and not as a source of employment. I used to love doing art so much, but years of hard deadlines, eighty hour work weeks, and conforming to corporate styles and it seems to have sucked the joy right out of it. A few friends of mine have made businesses out of painting EXACTLY what they love to paint: http://www.bobeggleton.com/mainframe2.html and http://www.imaginistix.com/ . It's not my style of stuff, but I really wish that I could do that; not care less about what anyone thought about my work, really enjoy doing it AND support myself with it. They just shrug off any bad reviews and keep going. All had rough childhoods, but they apparently don't have them chemical imbalances and illnesses that we fight with. If Big Pharma were geared towards cures instead of advertising we might have some real breakthroughs, but profit is the only motivator in the US of A.

Oh, ruled paper is fine if that's what you really want to work on, but toned paper is a lot more fun imho. You can find brown recycled sketchbooks at Barnes and Noble that make doing tonal work even more interesting. or just cut up a paper bag and use the inside. I've done some of my best work on paper grocery bags!

[Ladyhawk]

17. Lined paper is con-veeeeee-nient. :)

I write in it, draw in it, troubleshoot my computer issues in it. It's my "everything" book; however, I might try something different if I'm in the right mood. Oh yeah, I've heard this, too: "Oo, that's neat. Can't you somehow erase the lines?" :) It's all about the lines, sugah.

In this culture, everything is about money. You have no idea how many times other people have insisted I try to make money off my art work. When I feel any pressure to succeed, the creativity simply dries up. I had a sort of "manic" episode last year when I did three "finished" pieces in a row. When I started on the fourth, I had a bad reaction (six-week panic attack) to some medication changes and I was never able to finish it. It took me awhile to simply go back to scribbling in my notebook. I don't draw as often as I did before that freaky time.

Lately I haven't been able to sing or play the piano. It feels like the joy has been completely sucked out of my life, leaving a vacuum. I'm ready for this to end. Even when I try, I never really get well.

[Ladyhawk]

14. "Just be positive"

I have to to "just shut up" because like you said, no one wants to hear it. I've lost so many prospective friends because I either didn't shut up or couldn't hide my condition well enough.

I have two friends who are very successful fantasy artists AND bodybuilders. She just tells me that I need to work out more, meditate, watch my diet, etc. I know much of what she says is true, but I don't think that she understands that when a person gets into this deep a hole there's just no more energy. For anything. And it's not just a matter of "trying to be more positive". So I end up with no one to talk to about any of it. You just end up with that giant "loser" stamp across your forehead when you can't be lighthearted and funny and upbeat for everyone all the time. So you end up staying at home because you can't put on the show anymore, and yeah, you feel disposable because they forget you ever existed right away. If you aren't producing, making loads of cash, making a name for yourself, then no one wants you around in this country.

Hell, yeah.

Me? I think I give up. I'm tired of pretending for everyone else. I'm tired of struggling and never actually feeling much better. I don't want to give up, but I don't have any real options. The few good days...are they worth the months of physical and emotional pain? I don't think so.

As for friends...good luck. DU makes a lot of noises about helping those in need, but when it comes right down to it, they don't REALLY want to help. And these are supposed to be the liberals.

[Lorien]

16. I hear you. I find myself thinking the exact same thing day in and day out

are a handful of good days really worth months-even years-of the terrible ones? The only thing that stops me is the fact that I have tried to off myself twice before and failed at it, and I know how the body fights the mind when you try to kill it off. It's as if your body has a will all it's own. Very, very unpleasant.

DU is a popularity contest like everywhere else. If you're not a part of a clique or one of the more frequent and popular posters you pretty much disappear. That doesn't go for everyone here, just the majority. You know that I would help if it were in my power to do so. You can always talk to me, and you know that I'll "get it". I think a few others feel the same way, or at least I hope that they do.

:hug: :loveya: Truly!

[Ladyhawk]

18. I've failed at it, too. I promised myself I wouldn't fail next time.

When I failed at it, the full might of the stigma fell on me at a very vulnerable time. I was abused by a nurse (emotionally and physically). My psychiatrist decided I needed to accept Jesus as my personal savior. My medical clinic kicked me out so I couldn't see my psychologist anymore. I was very nearly arrested and thrown in jail.

Everything I've experienced tells me I'm expendable and no one gives a shit...unless I nearly off myself...in which case society will make things even more miserable.

Funny.

Society doesn't want to help me live, but it won't let me die. If I die, I will die alone and I dare not fail.

(Don't alert on this. I'm simply explaining "what if" scenarios.)