Driving me crazy

[undergroundpanther]

I began dating jon 2 months or so ago.I didn't know he had a third wheel who is a creepy old dude he was somehow including as if he was part of jon.. This guy comes over here every fucking night from around 8or 9 till 11 pm..I am getting sick of him.He is not that fun,he is small minded and really doesn't help my relationship with Jon at all.
In fact I think I might tell the third wheel exactly what he is and tell him to back off! Problem is Jon is somehow still attached to this "friend" of his and he can't stand the thought of that curmudgeon Eric not being here.I on the other hand when Eric is here sitting like a toad in the living room,as Jon goes in his room to watch a concert video, I feel like a third wheel by default. Jon and Eric do this routine day after day because they are USED to it.They give me no other reason for doing this.It pisses me off alot.

Everyone I have spoken too says I should TOLERATE this third wheel bull shit,that Jon and Eric are a "package deal" .But funny Jon asked ME out. Not Eric too. I have tolerated to a point.I have tried to put boundaries down a few times now.
Falls on deaf ears because jon can't survive without Eric hanging around like a dried up old bat every night.(Eric is like 56 or so years old grey hair skinny, uncommunicative and lifeless.)

When Eric does NOT come over(working late) Jon and I usually have a good time together. Truth is I want Eric OUT of the picture for a while, so I can enjoy some time with Jon,time for US...

Do I just break up with Jon? Or do I try to get to Eric alone(tough to do somewhat)first and tell him he is INTERFERING,with my relationship with Jon and to back the fuck off and stay home for awhile,Than after a week off, maybe on maximum visit Jon 2 days a week?? Is Jon gonna have a conniption if he finds out I told Eric to back off?? Is he in love with the old fart with nothing to offer him or anyone else? And why can't Jon be the fuck HONEST about it ,tell me and LET ME GO?

It is very strange Jon does not interact much with Eric,and the 'friendship' looks unhealthy to me,Eric has his little control things he pulls on Jon,to make Jon anxious and guilty and Jon has cussed him out,more than once.Jon seems to be using him for his car and "pays him back" by having him here occupying space. Jon sometimes resists Eric's controlling crap,than if he thinks he has offended Eric he gets depressed and backtracks.There is nothing there you would see in a healthy friendship. Whatever IT is IT is getting old fast and I need IT to STOP.For MY sanity's sake.
Any ideas experiences or info on toxic third wheel crap please share it.

[Forkboy]

1. I'm the last person who should give advice on relationships....

But here I go anyways....

In your place I wouldn't set any kind of ultimatum, as they tend to either backfire and drive the other person away, or you get to the point where you realize you won't follow through and have to backoff yourself. And I find ultimatums confrontational when that's really the last angle to approach this from. Anytime someone gives me one it's a sure fire way to get the exact opposite reaction from the one they want (I am a pain in the ass, after all).

What I would do is tell Jon nicely, but in no uncertain terms, exactly what you're feeling (and what you said here). Let him know how much it bothers you that you don't feel the two of you have enough time together on your own. Letting him know that you're approaching this out of love for him more than jealousy towards Eric won't put him on the defensive as much (he will be anyways, most likely, no matter how you approach this, but you can lessen the effect).

It's tough for Jon as well, assuming Eric is such a good friend. Until you came along Eric may have been one of the only people Jon felt he could be comfortable around. It's tough to give that up, even a little, as it may be the only situation like that Jon had (I'm just guessing here, and you clearly know if this is the case or not better than I).

Breaking up, at least for now, seems like it will only hurt both of you needlessly. Even the threat of doing so, if voiced to Jon, could undermine what you two have, even more than this guy Eric is. It plants the seed that you're willing to walk away, and often that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy once that seed is planted. Suddenly the other person will feel that you're looking for reasons to leave instead of reasons to stay.

There are times in life where walking away does become the only option left, love or not. My ex left me despite the fact that we never once argued or raised our voices or anything like that. She still loves me, but the depression, untreated at the time, was just too much for her to take anymore. Understandably. But sometimes it does get the point where you have to do what's best in the long run for yourself, even if it hurts to do so. However, I don't think that should ever be the first option, and I don't think you're at that point yet.

And now that I've broken my rule on never meddling in other people's relationships, good luck. :)

[undergroundpanther]

2. Thanks

Basically what you said is what I am doing.I let them both know I need them to not see each other everyday. I needed space from eric if I was having a crisis or if I was in severe pain or sick.Eric seemed to understand that. I also told Jon about my insecurity,today,I owned up to it said why I felt it. He I think got what I meant.