This may be funny, I'm not sure: moving while depressed.

[EFerrari]

So, I'm moving to the ranch this week and will be living there until my job deal is worked out or that's the official reason. It's true but there's also a subtext about Mom being Ted Kennedy's age and alone and there's no one else in the family that can deal with this next part. I'm not sure how much of that is objectively true but think it's more than 60%.

The funny part (to me, anyway) is that because I'm depressed, it's sort of hard to get very anxious about packing up my stuff. The easiest thing would be to put the cats in carriers, Kid on her leash, grab the laptop and my field easel and go -- because even though I like my furniture and books and dishes and cr@p, I can't care about them very much. It's just sort of exhausting and you can always get more cr@p somewhere if you need it.

The other funny part, in a dark way, is thinking back about how carefully I put together all the stuff in every room in the first place, from the prints on the walls to every single piece of furniture that I built for its space to the placement of the appliances let alone outlets, and even the colors that were chosen to bring the most light into this little tiny condo in a foggy city, that I now don't feel a thing about and would gladly just leave here if someone else didn't have to clean it up after me.

What a difference a depression makes. lol

There's a way in which I like traveling "light" and have noticed that as I get older, it gets easier and easier to do that. But, I realize that my strong desire to just walk away from all this STUFF is depression, not enlightenment at all. It's avoidance.

In a way, it will be nice to be at the ranch because my constant worry about Mom will be tempered if not neutralized. I can't make her 25 again. In another way, I just got rested up from care giving and this feels like just the next in a long series of these deals the the oldest girls in Latino families are expected to manage. Too bad someone else already wrote "Like Water For Chocolate". :)

Thankfully, a couple of nights ago I understood my next writing project while watching Ted Kennedy's wake and can hide in the research and planning of it if I need to in the coming week/s.

The last funny thing is observing my compulsivity about disorder v. the 10 Ft Depression.

"This is a mess!"

"Yeah?"

"You can't be serious. LOOK at that!"

"So?"

:rofl:

:grouphug:

b

[mopinko]

1. you sound a little like my daughter.

she is extricating herself from a bullshit relationship. not a nightmare, just bullshit. and serious about moving on, and getting serious about school. so she is feeling the same about her stuff. she kept telling me she was coming to get my truck, first on tuesday, then on thursday, friday, saturday. then she panics, and her phone calls barely make sense. she has to be out by this tuesday.
and in the meantime, i am doing the same, as i am supposed to be moved out of my studio by tuesday as well. and i lost the keys to my truck. even though i had 4 or 5 sets. i am down to one, i drove it today, and they are nowhere. fttt. gone.

moving sucks.

hope it goes ok for you. moving home can be a pain, or it can just be another chapter.
:hug: good luck.

[EFerrari]

2. I'm afraid I'm driving my mom a little nuts because she's used to me

being high energy and my snail's pace seems to irritate her. I tried to explain to her that I'm at once exhausted AND anxious and will probably have to remind her a few times during this process. With any luck, I can avoid having an actual panic attack. Damn, I have to get a doctor for meds.

We're sharing her big mobile, where she's living while her house is built and it looks like my half will have more square feet than I do here. The property is shaped like an upside down paper airplane -- between two sets of hills north and south, overlooks downtown San Jose to the west and more hills to the east. The coastal winds barrel up the canyon every afternoon so if you hang laundry at about 2, it will be dry by 4. The sunsets are pretty and if you like quiet, it's a great place to be.

At one time, I put in three gardens up there. One for Mom outside her office window, a rose garden for me protected by some chaparral that I tamed into a little hedge, and a veggie garden. The land will be developed soon so this time, it's going to be containers.

I'm fairly miserable about leaving the beach but in truth, I'm still pretty withdrawn and until that changes some, it doesn't really matter where I am. Or, that's the mantra. :)

The Hispanic University is about 5 minutes away. Maybe I'll see if they have any openings there. It's not very big and probably full of Chicano hippies. My people! :rofl:

Good luck to the kiddo. Moving does suck and moving away from a boyfriend sucks more, even one you don't like any more. I hope that school is interesting enough to engage her attention.

[mopinko]

5. she is having a good time in school. she has a job that she both loves and

hates. loves the work, hates the boss. she is such a smart kid, and i don't think she ever really knew that about herself. she has a job in a hospital lab, and she is taking a biology major. she was looking to get into pharmacy school, but i think she could be a doctor is she wanted to. it seems so impossible for anyone these days, but we are close to northwestern, and she is working in their hospital downtown, so......
at least if you have rooms and board, i think maybe you can make it, no? well, we will see. at least she knows now that she has a family behind her that can actually help. not something i have always been able to do. feels pretty good. she even got her brothers to help her with the schlepping.

sounds like you will be in a good place. i recommend that you not fear the old hippies, but that is just me.

[david13]

3. e I hope you understand how fortunate you are, to have all these

problems in places, where other people don't even have places.
This possession thing, it comes to us all, at different stages in life, in different manifestations. I remember the young college and law school mantra some had, about wanting to be able to fit all the possessions into one backpack.
Law school throws that out the window because immediately one needs to begin a library sized collection of books. Which then are lugged, toted, shipped, trucked, etc., every time one relocates.
Until later in life we think, wouldn't it be nice to move more freely, without thinking a move involves a huge semi-truck/trailer?
I don't know if there ever is a solution for it.
Watch out for those hippies, they will get you all goofed up on pot, which only causes more confusion.
Good luck.
dc

[EFerrari]

4. When I was an English grad, I had a whole library in my little rented house.

Since then, those books have passed into other hands but for a core 100 or so. It's a lot easier to get help with moving now. :)

Yes, I am fortunate. Big family and we all put up with each other fairly easily. Mom and I are a lot alike. We both love being with other people, the more the merrier, but we both also need alone time every day. Mom and I have lived and worked together on and off since I went with her to clean up houses that she was listing as a new agent when I was about 8. The market is very scary right now and her holdings are more or less at risk but we might as well do this part together, too.

I've packed up half of the place and have tried to give away or toss as much as I pack. The cats are about to freak out. 10 . . 9 . . .8 . . .7

[EFerrari]

6. Update, Monday 9/7

Kid and I have been on the ranch since Wednesday. So far we've seen a bunch of horses (Kid defends the house from them), an owl, a bunch of what turned out to be wild turkeys (the no stuffing or gravy fooled me), an owl, a coyote, a feral cat and a bunch of goats; have heard a donkey across the fence, all kinds of cocks crowing (probably fighting cocks because who needs more than one?), dogs, and a goose. Kid did fine until she heard the goose and that sent her running up on the porch. lol

There's a lot more people closer than there were when I left here eight years ago. On Saturday night I heard what sounded like Arabic rap so I guess al Qaida bought the old Lucchessi place next door. You could always here a little bit of burb sounds up here but it was nice and distant. Now I can hear people most of the time if I listen closely and it feels like I should get a slingshot or a cast iron frying pan just in case because if any of these interlopers decide to invade us, Kid will most likely lick their knees. Maybe a police scanner? That's a sound that might make someone think twice about disturbing us.

Kid is having separation anxiety which is not what you want in a dog when you're going in and out for hours moving stuff. She won't stay anywhere but at my heels or rather, under them. On the other hand, there's a 13 year old Lab mix here who is very sweet, deaf and is very patient with the kid.

When we let the cats out of the bathroom on the second day, they all disappeared into my mom's closet. They all settled down once I set up the studio and they could see and smell their stuff. Only one of them is still freaking but he's that way most of the time anyway so, that's pretty good for under a week.

My living space is almost organized. Stil have to hook up the sat teevee and get the dingdang wireless internet connect to recognize my machine. Only four more boxes to go plus all the cleaning that you have to do when you move things around. My hands have been in soap so much they look like they've been boiled. :)

I'll see if I can get some pix up tomorrow. :hi:

[david13]

7. What a tough life. It sounds like such a tough life. dc

[mopinko]

8. glad to hear you are settling in.

my returning daughter turns out to be quite the delight to have around. cleaning, counseling her little sisters, chewing out her lazy brother. and her dog is ok, too. ok for a hound dog, anyway.
we are still knee deep in boxes, but...

good luck to you. hope that the place brings you some peace.