Dating and mental illness

[Tobin S.]

I recently had a conversation with myself. It went something like this:

"Self, what's the best advice you gotten regarding dating?"

"That's simple. Just be me."

"But what about this mental illness stuff? Every time I tell a potential mate about it I lose her."

"That's a part of who you are. Don't worry about them. They weren't right for you."

"But, Self, when should I tell a date that I have this illness? Maybe I'm just disclosing that information too soon."

"You're fooling yourself. Disclose the information about your illness as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be the first thing out of your mouth, but don't wait too long. You will end up just wasting a lot of time if she has a problem with the illness. Best to do it before you've developed any kind of emotional bond."

I ought to listen to that guy more often. ;)

I have scared off several potential partners by disclosing my illness. As soon as the words "schizoaffective disorder" come out of my mouth they just shut down. Their eyes get real big and their jaws get a little slack and they hear nothing of my explanation of the illness and how I've been taking medication religiously for the last 6 years and that I haven't experienced symptoms since then. They don't hear me when I tell them that my doctor, who I see religiously, has told me that I have a 90% chance that I will never relapse if I take care of myself and continue with the medication therapy. It kind of makes me feel like a freak.

Funny story. I was sitting in a cafe on a first date with a woman a while back. We were having coffee and the conversation was good. I thought that I'd go ahead and tell her about the illness. I got the saucer eyes and I could see her hand shaking as she reached for the sugar and stirred it into her coffee. The date ended shortly after that. I had met her on a dating site and I had also talked to her on the phone before the date. When she got home she sent me a message through the dating site saying that she had lost her phone and would give me a ring when she found it. The she deleted her profile on the dating site. That was around last Christmas and I guess she still hasn't found that phone because I haven't heard from her since. :D

There is good way around all of that, though, I mean, aside from lying. :) Date people who are also mentally ill. :think:

It's a lot harder to find people with that criterion. But I have dated 5 women in the past year and talked to countless others and I don't have anything to show for it besides wasted gasoline and money. Might as well narrow it down to people who will actually understand. I know that there are "normal" people out there who could empathize, but I haven't run across any who will date me.

So I signed up at www.nolongerlonely.com which is a dating site for mentally ill people. Unfortunately, that site isn't very active. They've got around 14,000 members nationwide and none who are currently active on the web site around where I live. I like the concept of the site, though. Damn good idea.

About a couple of weeks ago I was cruising around the dating site that I go to that has all of the sane people on it. I ran across a woman who had something like this in her public profile, "BTW, I have bipolar disorder. If you've got a problem with that then get the fuck off my page!" That sounded exactly like the kind of person I was looking for. :D

I wrote her a long introductory message and told her about my illness. She was okay with it, of course, and wrote me an equally lengthy message back. She was cautious, though, not because of my illness I don't believe, but because she had been burned pretty bad as far as relationships go because of her illness. Basically the same problem I've had except I think she was a little further along into the whole relationship kind of deal. But after a week and a half she gave me her phone number and we've talked the past few nights. The neat thing here in the early going was that I was not nervous about talking to her on the phone, which I usually am when talking to someone for the first time. She also sounded confident. Conversation flows with her, too. There haven't been many awkward silences.

I don't know if this is going to go anywhere, but it's got a much better chance of doing so than any of my other attempts at finding someone. Hopefully I will have good news to report in the coming months.

[mopinko]

1. good luck to both of you.

hope it works out. sounds like you have a good strategy going. you might as well get it out there. either someone gets it, or they don't.

have you thought about going to nami meetings? or getting involved with them online? i spent some time on their chats when my daughter was first dx'd. lots of very kind hearted and supportive people.

[Tobin S.]

2. Yeah I've thought about NAMI

And I have been to one of their meetings and it was very good, and like you said, lots of nice people were there. The problem with the meetings now is that they conflict with my work and sleep schedule. I'd be there otherwise.

[AuntPatsy]

11. what is nami? I also have a daughter two years ago diagnoised..its not been easy....

I am running out of options and feel she is running out of time...its very hard on my husband...she was his golden child..the flirty blue eyed cheerleader blonde...she seemed to have it all.....then around twenty four she began acting well not the same...she is twenty seven now..the dr she has simply has doped her up to a point where she is a shell of her former self and has no desire to even leave her room...

the whole family the first year attempted help..now no one can barely look at her never mind attempt to talk to her..it breaks my heart..so what is nami

[ThingsGottaChange]

12. Here ya go :-)

http://www.nami.org/

[Odin2005]

3. LOL! Good for you! My disabled lady friend's BF has bipolar.

You can't separate those two! :rofl:

[Tobin S.]

4. Hot damn! I got an "LOL!"

As you know, I also posted this in the lounge and the intent of it, besides me venting my frustration, was that it was supposed to be a humorous take in an area where humor is in short supply. I've also posted at length about my journey through the dating scene in the lounge so I give updates here and there. But I was hoping to get a laugh, too. And I think only two people thought the post was funny enough to give me a lol! or a :rofl: and that thread had a lot of posts in it. I guess I could just be a bad joke writer. Or maybe normal people don't get my humor. Maybe only people who have been through mental illness can relate. Ah, hell, who knows?

Also, you mentioned in a different thread in the skeptics forum your thinking on what makes autism and psychosis polar opposites. You mentioned psychotic people as being "mentalistic." I looked in my dictionary and that word isn't in there so I suppose it was created by the author of the book you were paraphrasing from. Can you give me some more info on that? If it means that people who develop psychosis tend to have been thinkers and fantasizers and have had an imaginative and expansive inner life, then I can see that in myself when I look back to my youth. Even now it somewhat describes me, but my rambling thoughts and imagination tend to be focused more on reality than the fantasies I thought up when I was a kid.

[Odin2005]

5. I think you got it right.

Mentalistic thinking implies over-active "theory-of-mind", too much of it causes one to perceive "agents" that don't exist (hence conspiracy theories and religion), to think people can see your thoughts, etc.

[Forkboy]

6. Sorry I didn't really pick up on the humor in my other reply.

I can pick up on the tiniest things and then miss the obvious. :)

[Tobin S.]

7. You're alright, Forkboy. In more ways than one.

:)

[mopinko]

8. it occurs to me that you should be looking for an older woman.

i think that, consciously or not, some of the problem you are having is about the possibility of having a baby with you, and all that that entails. even young women who do not want to do that still have that little voice that is talking to them about that.
i think you should try to find a nice older lady, maybe one that already has kids, or that is winding down that part of her life. a nice divorced lady who knows what is important.
???

[Tobin S.]

9. I'm 37, mopinko

Most women my age have children already, many nearly grown, and are not looking to make more babies. I'm not dating 20-somethings.

[mopinko]

10. hmmm.

well. damn. i wish i knew some single women i could set you up with. damn.