I am very relieved.

[Tobin S.]

I've just cleared up some things I've been worried about for a while. I have a mental illness called schizoaffective disorder. It's sort of a blend of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and I have symptoms of both of those illnesses. Some people who have the illness will sometimes exhibit more symptoms from one side of the illness than the other. I tended to be more schizophrenic than bipolar. I experienced crushing depression and a few manic episodes, but the depression appears not to be physical in nature, but more of a situational consequence of experiencing psychosis. I know that because as soon as an antipsychotic was given to me, not only did the psychosis disappear, but the depression did as well without the introduction of an antidepressant. I was actually elated when I first got treatment. That first taste of reality after ten long years of an unimaginably painful existence was like....uh, well, nothing but religious analogies come to mind. I guess enlightened is about as accurate as I can get. It gave me the chills just now as I was recalling the experience.

My current reasons for relief and enlightenment are that for a while I thought that I had actually caused my illness (I was using recreational drugs here and there at about the same time as the onset of the illness); I've learned that the newer atypical antipsychotic medication that I take is unlikely to cause a serious problem called tardive dyskenesia; and that as long as I continue treatment I have only a ten percent chance of relapse (I'd heard that one already but I have confirmed it).

This means that I will likely live the rest of my life as a sane and functionally normal person.

The part about mental illness and drug usage is probably due to some programming left over from the Reagan years that I grew up in :). I learned from the book Surviving Schizophrenia that the reason a lot of people think recreational drugs cause mental illnesses is the fact that the person they know who has an illness developed it at a time when he or she was using drugs. But it just so happens that the onset of severe mental illness occurs in people at a time when they are more likely to be using drugs- late teens, early twenties. They would have developed the illness regardless. It's not a cause and effect kind of thing, just coincidence. I was 20 at the onset of my illness.

Tardive dyskenesia is a serious problem that can be caused by the older typical antipsychotics. Twenty percent of people who took those kinds of drugs long term developed the illness. It is characterized by uncontrollable body movements. Usually in the face as the smacking of lips, grimaces and other involuntary movements. It can also affect the hands and arms in a similar way. The atypical antipsychotics have been around for almost twenty years now, and while users of those medications still have the possibility of developing tardive dyskenesia, it is rare.

And lastly, I've confirmed with two doctors that I have a 90% chance of living the rest of my life without a relapse if I continue regular treatment. And in the unlikely case of a relapse in people like me, they've found that the episodes usually aren't as intense as when the illness was untreated and can be corrected with a short hospital stay.

I shouldn't have to worry about this ever again. The fields of science and medicine have given me back my life.

If you have any questions about this stuff or mental illness in general, fire away. I've found people to be curious about this, but sometimes afraid to ask about it. Mental illness is probably one of the most misunderstood problems in our society. It's something that people just don't talk about, but they should.

[mopinko]

1. that's great news, tobin.

so glad you are doing well, and can have confidence in the future.

i was wondering about something the other day, and thought about starting a thread-
what were your plans for your life before you got sick, and what are they now?
at 55, i spend too much time thinking about those plans that i had when i was young, and what i thought my life was going to be like. things turned out very different, for good and for ill. so, i don't think that being "normal" (if that is what i am?!) has too much to do with things turning out differently than what you planned. i remember a lounge thread about this, and people were all over the map.
but i wonder how the folks in this forum are dong in that regard, and if there are things they want to share about their lives.

[Tobin S.]

4. That's an interesting question. I was in college when I became mentally ill

I was 20 years old and studying to be an environmental health scientist. I wanted to work for the EPA. Then one day it just all started to fall apart. I couldn't concentrate on my studies. I was depressed and paranoid. I dropped out in the middle of the spring quarter of my sophomore year. After that I didn't think of the future beyond the next day for a long time. It was a struggle to keep going on a daily basis for the next ten years.

I'm good now, though, and have been for over 6 years. But I'm still not thinking too far ahead. I drive a truck for a living and I don't have any plans on changing that. As much as I'd like to get back to school, it's not really do-able right now without going into a huge amount of debt. I'd also have to find someone to loan me the money for my living expenses for a couple of years. That's probably not going to happen.

So I will be a trucker and enjoy my life as it is for the foreseeable future. I've got family and friends. I'm also really getting into reading about science and atheism. I went to the bookstore and went crazy yesterday spending about $70 on four books. I've rekindled my love for reading and learning. It's been a long time since the pursuit of knowledge has turned me on like that, and I guess I don't really need to be in college to learn new stuff.

How about you?

[mopinko]

8. well, the main thing that got in my way was kids,

and finding out that i was not healthy enough to have it all, like we were starting to think we could.
i always did well in school, and my dad tried to talk all the "bookish" kids into being doctors. he had been well on his way to becoming one, like his neighbor, when he had to quit because of the depression. so, when i first went to college, that is what i thought i was going to do. i hadn't taken that much science and math in high school, but i did fine. i went to a 2 year school, took all the math and science i could, and really loved it. i also was the elected student member of the board of trustees. even though i got married and pregnant, they had a great daycare center that took babies. but i started really having trouble with sleep, and fatigue, and dropped out. then i got divorced. i did finish up the 2 year degree later, before i moved to chicago. i worked as a lab tech for a while.
did some other stuff, cuz i needed work, was a carpenter for a while, and helped to start a support organization that is still in business. worked as a cook. got an offer to go to paris and train, but couldn't really do that with a kid.
went to art school at 27. had always liked it, been pretty good at it, and just kinda didn't know which end was up. somehow got accepted to the school of the art institute, a fact which baffles me still. i went for 2 years, and you guessed it, had another kid (and husband). thought i was just taking a short leave, but had 3 more kids and never went back. i always thought i was going to, but when i decided it was time to do something besides be a full time mom, school had gotten so expensive. it just seemed just as smart to dive right in. i still think that was a good idea. i joined a ceramics co-op, which helped my get hooked up with a lot of people.

i am mostly happy with being an artist. i am happy that i do interesting and unique work, and have had support from some very good, even important artists. but i do not have the energy to be a part of the whole "gallery scene" and not sure that someone my age would get all that far there. have had a little success with the whole calls for art thing, but not as much acceptance as failure. i sure would not have gotten this far without a husband who could support me financially. i have spent a lot of money, and made a teenie tiny bit.
and a series of events in my life have turned me off the whole people thing. i guess you have to do that part, and i always loved that part. but i am sick of people.
i am sick of being sick, pain all the time, shit falling apart, doctors, pills, bullshit. 55 just seems so old.

i am taking a class right now, and i am very happy to be a student again, because learning new things is something i think i will always love. it is at the art institute, but it is a non-credit class, so it is not a ton of money. taking web design, mostly because i always hate to pay someone to do something that doesn't seem that hard. i could have taken 3 classes for what it cost me to build and upgrade pinkobuttons. i figure if i can at least keep my brain from turning to mush, old age will be tolerable.


tobin, if you want to go to school, you can. take 1 or 2 classes at a time, start at a community college. maybe they will even have some courses on "tape". back when i was in one, they took accessibility very seriously, and had a big tech department.
personally, tho, i think i would like to drive a truck. when dh gets sick of his job we fantasize about things we could do with the 401k, and buy a new 18 wheeler is up there. i would love to see the country, and i would love a job where i only had to see people every other day.

[Tobin S.]

9. I've thought about taking classes at the community college

But even 1 or 2 classes would just be too much with my current work schedule. And I also like my current method of educating myself. I can "work" at my own pace and read and write exactly what I want to when I want to without interference.

Regarding the trucking biz; I've been doing it for nearly 13 years. I've owned a rig as well as driven for someone else. Feel free to hit me up for information if you and your husband start seriously talking about getting into trucking. If I don't know the answers, I can probably direct you somewhere where you can find them. One thing I'll recommend right now, though, is that if you don't really know a whole lot about trucking right now and the business side of it, drive for someone else for a couple of years first. You can learn the trade and the business side of it while gaining experience and getting paid to learn. It's more complicated than a lot of people think. Also, husband and wife teams are desirable in trucking. You shouldn't have any trouble finding a reputable company to drive for, including the type of long haul fleet that you seem to desire.

[mopinko]

10. yeah, he would have to get fired or something

aside from the fact that he has a really good job, he is a very loyal person, and probably would never quit. he has been with them for 20 years.

and i get what you are saying about educating yourself. i could give a shit about a piece of paper. but some things just make your brain hurt to figure out yourself.

[elleng]

2. GREAT NEWS, Tobin S!

Would like to give you a gift! What music do you like?

:hi:

[Tobin S.]

3. I like new rock and metal.

:hi:

[elleng]

5. Happy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr0mKSgHavs

[Tobin S.]

6. That's a good tune

It also sounds like a little different version of the one I hear on the radio. Maybe a live version not done in concert?

Thanks!

[elleng]

7. Glad its OK, Tobin. I know NOTHING about the music,

but HAVE heard about the Peppers from my kids!

[mdmc]

11. good news

keep drivin safe my friend