Just when I was finally beginning to live, I feel alone again

[crim son]

and I don't think I'll get a second chance. My heart isn't breaking any more. It's broken completely and the pieces have withered and shrivelled up dried and black. The horrible sadness that bled out of me during the destruction has been replaced by the deepest bitterness and anger. Five months and I have been unable to accept what has happened. Five months and I have turned sour, grown fat, gained all the years in physical age I'd managed to put off until now. If he came back I would be unrecognizable both in body and spirit and if he didn't want me then he would be repelled now. I used to be pretty and happy and strong. Now I am buried in self-pity and unable to see anything good in the years ahead. It is my destiny to be alone and not to love. Will this ever pass? I've given up hope of ever being all right again. Numbness would be a blessing. -L

[flaminbats]

1. it happens to us all..

but why else have a lasting relationship, if not to help when times get rough? Self pity isn't a crime, it happens to everyone that is human. But love is the best weapon we have for fighting the pain of being alone. And you may think you look fat, sour..but others are afraid of what you think of them. But why? you must have something that others long for. Age comes to all of us, but true love does not.

Hang in there! :hug:

[crim son]

2. I'm not young anymore. When I was, it was somehow easier

to look ahead and find meaning. I thought I had true love but I didn't. I can't understand how I have been so wrong. I certainly can't understand why I'm not getting better. Lots of help, professional and otherwise.

Thanks for responding. I'm the kind of woman that attracts. I am unable to keep, that's all. Ah well.

[shanti]

5. happens to all of us

i got my second divorce when i was 37 years old, and from that point on, i felt like i was
fighting a battle of time, i was very single-minded in my search for my "last love". i'm almost (on 11/17) 51, and time sure changes one's perspective on things! i still haven't found "the one", but now i don't care if i ever do. i'm happy with life and myself and i'm not looking for anyone - AT ALL. it's possible that menopause might have something to do with it too! LOL!

[Deja Q]

3. Your post really got my attention;

for I am the same way.

You need this: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Wish I could do more to help right now.

[Quakerfriend]

4. Hi crim son, I hope you are turning the corner dear.

It's been many months since you posted but, perhaps a story I have may help out.

My oldest sister, Andrea, was a beautiful, gifted and multi-talented young girl. She married her childhood sweetheart who turned out to be a complete louse. They had a daughter while in their young 20s and everything went downhill from their. He was the first of many abusive relationships she would enter into over the next 25 yrs. We, her family, just began to see this as 'Andrea's lot in life', though we all tried in every way to help her out of these loveless relationships.

Anyway, at the age of 48 she met Fred, the most wonderful, gentle, and kind man. When they met he had been divorced for 1yr and was so diraught over loosing his two little girls (X wife whisked them away to another state) that he was still sleeping in a sleeping bag on the living room floor of his empty house, his life turned upside down.

They got married and everywhere they went people could see the love they shared for each other. He worshiped the ground she walked on, and she became so very radiant. Her beauty seemed to increase over time! THey were married for 8 wonderful years before Fred passed away suddenly this year.

True love can come along when you least expect it! Don't dispair. We have all been there.

PLease, drop in and let us know how everything is going.

:hug:

[Connonym]

6. New around here

But I wanted to offer :hug: I understand how you're feeling and I know it hurts so much. When you're deeply hurt 5 months isn't that long to grieve. Love yourself, you deserve that and let yourself follow the grief to its conclusion. I think that the tincture of time really does help and I hope that you start to feel that soon.

[LWolf]

7. I have been there. Sometimes I still am.

I see it is now 8 months in; at that point, I was functioning fine in public, still numb in private. It was a couple of years before I stopped dreaming about the ex, and feeling the bleeding. A full 6 years out, I am busy with life and when I think about it, it's mostly in passing without any emotional baggage.

Still, every once in awhile, I am buried under that crushing despair. I allow myself to cry, to grieve, and then move on.

Am I ok? Yes, and no. I'm generally satisfied with my life as a loner, both socially and relationship-wise. I've learned to be asexual; a tough one. I know, though, that I'm not "really" ok. Why? Because I no longer believe that there is anyone in the world that will ever *really* know me and still care. That while people like my sense of humor, appreciate my intellect, take advantage of my skills, want me to listen, need me to "be" there, they don't really relate to me, or my life experience, or my world view. I don't "fit." I don't fit the world/community of my species. I'm better off on my own, and if I didn't have to scrape for $$$ like everyone else, I might cut off human contact entirely.

Yet still, I'm a reasonably content person 95% of the time. Go figure.

[cwydro]

8. What you said

about not fitting into the world...is exactly the way I feel. I have a few good friends and good family, but generally like to be by myself.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

9. Oh my God, crim son

You need to see a clinical psychologist fast. You appear to have classic symptoms of deep depression.

[crim son]

10. I've been seeing one since last April.

And yes, I'm in a deep depression, so I'm told.