How do you handle loneliness?

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

I'm in my 30's, and I sometimes sleep with teddy bears. I have also been known to go to the library and strike up a conversation with the librarian, just for human contact.

I guess that may seem kind of pathetic. But all of my friends have families or family equivalents that they live with - they're not always available to hang out with on my schedule. I have plenty of friends, and I spend a lot of time with them. It just doesn't work out sometimes.

How do you deal with this?

[sadinred]

1. I saw that you posted a few hours ago and had no response,

how awful, I thought!

I am not lonely at all now, but have been in the past. I used to paint and write and smoke and eat to get through the lonely hours. I didn't appreciate the companionship my cats gave me, I was too unhappy back then, but I could have depended on them to get me through a bit more.

I happened to meet my husband and have not been lonely since then. My life changed drastically. I no longer write or paint (I think loneliness was my greatest inspiration) but I am happy, for the most part. And more often than not our house is full and I don't have the chance to be lonely.

I will say though that even now I do feel lonely sometimes. Like when I feel no one in my current life could possibly understand what I used to write or paint. I try to be in the present and not think of it.

Anyway. I saw your post here all by it's self and had to write. You won't always be lonely. And when you are no longer lonely you just might long for inspiration and freedom that hides within loneliness.

Peace.:toast:

[chaska]

2. Try not to fight it. Accept it...

if there's nothing, at the time, you can do about it.

My solution, however, I don't recommend. I've just gotten real good at suffering.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

3. I understand.

Suffering is not a good plan.

[MatrixEscape]

4. I have become

accustomed to it over many years. Modern day hermits?

The process can start early-on, especially if you are mis-acculturated in childhood. Then, that personal premise can be re-enforced by ensuing experiences and intense sensitivity. After enough of that, you realize, or feel, that you are a Stranger in a Strange Land. For whatever the reason, (you may think clearly and have no other major issues) you fells as if just don't belong. It's not your planet, so to speak. Wrong turn at re-incarnation junction, or what-have-you.

After that stage, you might try, (repeatedly) to fit in and become a part of something, some group, but it may never feel right, hence, the satisfaction is not there and the socializing becomes a poor facade for what you were after.

So, that process may lead you finally to acceptance -- especially when all family members are dead or gone and one no longer has the company of old friends. Add a divorce or two, and you are a potential member, in good standing, of the loner's club.

You get over the self-pity and the questions about "why me". At that stage, you may prefer solitude to an even greater degree and try to avoid all human contact because, instead of missing it, you find it to be pointless, uncomfortable, and loaded with adverse social issues and effluvia.

The benefits of the social sphere disappear and that leaves you with only various dilemma that usually have no real solutions. One can only cope with them. Without a benefit, the coping is futile. The problems with the social contracts these days is that you really have to get something personal from them in order to endure them at all. They are so unlcear and chatoic without a mutually agreed on, or implied, basis.

Solitude as a way of life can be a deeply peaceful experience and a way of knowing one's self and experiencing life without distraction. It depends on the person.

That's my perspective. Now, all I need is a cave, and I am fine ;)

[Lorien]

9. That's pretty much been my experience

Though I've never been married or divorced; just engaged, which was horrible enough.

I've never been anywhere where I was "wanted"; my parents weren't too keen on me because I was unplanned, I had a facial deformity growing up, so other children were just horrid around me. When I've worked in a studio setting, I usually advance faster than my co-workers, so they become green eyed back stabbers in no time. Right now, I prefer to be left alone. It's less painful than being ignored or condemned.

I work at home, alone. I hardly ever see anyone outside of cashiers and service people. I have online friends and people that I call every few months. That's about it. My cats help me to get through it. And there's posting on DU, of course.

[bemildred]

5. Nothing pathetic about it, unless being different is "pathetic"

One needs to learn to take care of one's own needs while keeping
an eye out for that rare person that understands and that one can
live with comfortably. (Or least that's how it's been with me, but it's
still a good deal of work.)

[LWolf]

6. I'm almost never lonely; but I've been there in the past.

These days, I find myself craving the time during the day when nobody needs me for anything, and I can be alone.

I live alone, and I like it that way. I was curled up last night at 7pm with a cup of cocoa and a book, and suddenly realized how quiet it was. There was a part of me that recognized that some might find the absolute silence uncomfortable; that knowing that there was no one out there thinking about you, or paying attention to you, or "connecting" to you somehow, would be frightening. I delighted in it.

It wasn't always that way, though. Here are some things I've done, and still do, to make sure that I retain some sort of "connection" to the rest of humanity:

*I meet with a group of women friends once a month. We spend a day or afternoon or evening talking, eating, and relaxing. Every once in awhile we'll go to some sort of festival or event, or for a hike. But it's mostly about hanging out and "catching up."

*I go on a group trail ride with some other horse people once a week.

*I try to respond to invitations from people to go to movies or other social sorts of things once a month, just to make sure that I don't totally lose touch with the world.

*When I can afford it, I get regular massages. "Touch" is contact, and can really make a difference.

*When my work schedule was not quite so demanding, I used to attend the local dem club meetings, or other meetings of community groups that I had an interest in.

The last 18 months, I've cut out much of the above; work has demanded so much of me that I jealously hoard the rest of my time to myself. That isn't always the best thing; I'll be joining my women friends for a day of gossip tomorrow, just to get me out of my shell.

[bemildred]

7. Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto

From one of the reviews:

"Finally an answer to a loner's prayers! We are not as strange as the world wants to make us out to be afterall.

Anneli Rufus has done a magnificent job telling about life from a loner's perspective and making it all sound capable and NORMAL. She writes chapters on the loner in community, popular culture, films, advertising, friendships, love & sex, technology, art, literature, religion, sanity, crime, eccentricity, clothes, environment, solo adventures and at last childhood. The words are a true manifesto for a loner's hungry soul, finally another person who understands.

In a world where loners are thought to be strange, crazy serial killers who cannot conform to society, Rufus encourages the idea that most loners in truth are the great creators and contemplators of the world. Issac Newton, Michaelangelo, writers, artists and philosophers become necessary human beings within all of their secretiveness. Instead of being arrogant attention getting hounds most loners create from the heart and give without a need for recognition, the truly unselfish can be found only in those selfish enough to enjoy being alone.

I would have loved to have given this book to a teacher who I had as a child. I remember sitting in a room with my parents while they were told by the "teacher" that she felt I was somehow autistic and withdrawn and might need "special" education. Despite my A's, my ability to pay attention and my athletic ability I was labeled and marked as a failure in her eyes. I wonder how many children today are pegged as something they are not and guided in a wrong direction. It took me 40 years to figure out how unique and completely normal I really am but I would hope after reading this book many others could celebrate the adventure alot sooner. A must read for those of you with quiet, withdrawn children who would rather day dream than stand around with all the other cattle."

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1569245134/qid=1102788530/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-6152891-0106539?v=glance&s=books

[DemExpat]

8. Loneliness is a funny thing....

for I've noticed that with some people I feel so much more loneliness than when I am on my own!

Being an ex-pat has increased my sense of isolation - of being far from family, old friends, my familiar culture.
I have learned to deal with these asepcts of loneliness, and have had to learn to incorporate this reality into my state of being.

For me, I have learned to enjoy being alone, and am never bored and lacking for things that interest me. I only do not have the time or energy to delve into them all.

Doing volunteer work - at the American Women's Club library and with giving time to some lonely old folks in nursing homes - also alleviates a sense of being too isolated.

Being part of this Discussion Board - DU - is also somewhat a feeling of community for me. :kick:

DemEx

[Skittles]

10. do some volunteer work with the less fortunate

it makes one feel good

[MsConduct]

11. I think that maybe you should learn how to appreciate your

own company. I can't remember feeling lonely. I might have felt alone in the sense that maybe people might not always see things the same way I do/did.

As someone else here suggested, do some volunteer work. Nothing is more satisfying than helping others.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

12. Thanks, all.

I do better some days than others. I like to curl up with hot chocolate and a book, as another poster mentioned. The solitude is lovely, then.

It's just sometimes that it's a pain. Just sometimes.

[AgadorSparticus]

13. because my husband is not always at home due to work, my dog is

my sanity. i get so much company from her. she sleeps with me and that helps when he is gone. i honestly think that having my dog has not made me miss human contact like "normal" people. she keeps me company through dinner, errands, etc. if i eat out alone, i find places that have outside tables and she sits with me. honestly, when i come into contact with snarky people (which can be often at times), i really appreciate my dog all the more.

[LWolf]

17. My animals are a big cushion.

I live alone. I am surrounded by people at work who need me. I have a few family members; 2 grown sons, one grandson, and a mother. That's the sum and total of extended family, and I am the fulcrum that supports our little family. I am the meeter of needs; my role in the family. Not that they won't be there for me in dire circumstances; but as a general rule, I'm the giver, not the receiver. None of those few family members live in the same community; they are scattered across two states.

So when I say I live alone, I don't just mean that no one shares my home. I mean that no one shares my life. I am responsible for the whole thing. There is no one there to pick up the slack if I'm tired, or sick, or if my car breaks down or my house needs repairs. There is no one there to provide conversation or to share recreational time with. It's just me.

The best part of my day is when I get home from work, and no one needs me to listen to them. My animals have needs; I have to feed them, care for them, groom them, etc., but they are simple needs. They give as much as they take, which is more than I can say for any people I've ever had in my life. They offer unconditional and undemanding love and companionship, and I'm literally never lonely.

[supernova]

14. I do feel lonely sometimes

but I honestly don't know if it's more than other people who aren't loners. :shrug:

The holidays are always a little hard for me though. I miss intimacy more than plain socializing. Having someone to put the tree up with, and that kind of thing. I love trees, but I didn't put one up this year either. It's just too much trouble for one small person like me, eventhough I love to look at them.

As for contact:

I have a new job which I love. All my immediate coworkers are easy to get along with. And so far, it's a good time.

I am spiritual and I belong to a church, so there is all that activity: not just services, but committee meetings, social gatherings, etc. Too much of this tends to wear me out though. I thend to be choosy about what I volunteer for. True to form I am currently evaluating whether this church is right for my loner style. :silly:

My sister and I are very similar. We don't speak everday, but we are comfortable with each other. When we spend time together we often have periods of silence. And it's OK.

That pretty much leaves mostly Saturdays with little to do. I'll pick up what Lydia Leftcoast said on another thread, I do try to have scheduled activities. At least something every day. My usual weekend habit is the flea market or an auction. They are long and involve lots of contact and people watching fun. Plus I like looking at all the stuff people collect over the years. But this is more of a warmer weather activity, so winter tends to be dreary.

What was really hard was when I was unemployed for two years. I could go for several days and not see or talk to a soul. That was a little too much alone time, even for me! edit: But like chaska, I learned to cope with it. Loneliness is sometimes just as much a companion as a good friend.

Belonging to DU helps too. I really enjoy reading all the posts and talking with everyone I post with. I've noticed too that posting is at a pace that is comfortable for me, not like listening to everyone talking at once. I have time to consider what each individual is saying.

[bemildred]

15. Sierra Club, Gym/Swim, annoying my few friends.

Not really much of a "problem", and I have family now, but
thinking back to my single days, those were my main avenues to
human contact. Going to school and taking classes is excellent
too.

[Freebird12004]

16. I read and watch birds.

In the warmer weather I go for long drives.

Last summer I bought a Honda Goldwing 1800 CC motorcycle that had been converted into a Trike ~ now I ride with the wind in my face and enjoy my solitude. I used to try to fit in - then I was lonely - now I'm just alone.

[DemExpat]

18. That sounds lovely Freebird....

and feeling alone is not at all painful like loneliness is...

:hi:

DemEx

[Freebird12004]

20. and then there are times

when I know the only thing that I'm missing - the only thing that is preventing me from being content is two warm arms to hold me. I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit to "times of extreme loneliness" where there is real physical pain in my heart because I'm alone more than I want to be.

[ernstbass]

19. Read or walk the dogs

It's rare that I get lonely with my 4 affectionate dogs!

[ChaoticSilly]

21. I'm usually to busy to notice I'm alone

Whether it's working on a new CG pic, delving into some random subject on the internet, lurking around DU, or just sitting back listening to music & thinking, I rarely notice I'm alone. Sometimes I do wish I had someone to share all this with, but usually I'm quite content to be alone & soak up all the information I can.

[Wapsie B]

22. I feel lonliness the most

when I'm amongst a group of people that I don't really want to be with. If I'm by myself doing my own thing I'm fine most of the time.