I am conflicted, I wish to be alone and yet...I need to talk

[TZ]

I am in the middle of a horrible period in my life where I have just had to bid goodbye in painful ways to several close friends and there are other issues such as general health issues and having a career in shambles. Its so painful for me to interact with anyone close (when they have the time for me they seem to be a little too busy with issues of their own to have much time for me anyway) now that I am trying to minimize contact with anyone I know. I live alone and once again feel that my cats are the only ones who really love and need me. If anyone I know tries to talk to me, its just going to bring the pain on again. I used to be very much a loner but for a few years started to become integrated socially. Now though, I can't deal with the pain that any kind of relationship seems to bring me so I want to withdraw. But I still feel the need to talk to somebody. Just not any one who really knows me or my problems I guess. I would think there are many people who like me have been hurt emotionally and withdraw. I understand really understand why now some people turn to alcohol and drugs to cope. Are there others in this group that not only are parttially isolated by circumstances but find themselves deliberately isolating themselves as a defense mechanism.....

[Woolwich]

1. Yes

I think I know what you mean. Having been through a dark period I moved somewhere where I don't know anyone partly to avoid places as well as people that I knew.

[TZ]

2. So do you communicate at all with the people from your dark period?

There is one person that I just pushed away immediately because I knew he was distancing himself from me and EVENTUALLY was going to go away forever and in order to short circuit that I did it first. Its someone I care for quite a bit and he did offer a hand when/if I am ready, and as a person who has a hard time letting go anyway I find the idea that he will still be there when/if I need him very comforting in some ways, although the rational part of me says a clean break MAY be best. Curious to hear your experiences there..on the softer side I really do think my cats are great, while I was crying earlier today one of my cats took the opportunity to jump up on the bed and steal a dangling bookmark, although she didn't go far..I think she was trying to get me to play....or laugh at her silliness she had never done that before....

?

[Woolwich]

3. No easy answer

I stayed in touch with my family, but as to everyone else who was in my life I think I am in contact with maybe four or five people semi-regularly. I moved to another country, took another job and even had my cats re-homed. I didn't realise how close I was to my cats until I had to say goodbye. They went to a good home, in the country rather than the city but it was really tough. When I was really low, they seemed to come to me and comfort me.

I tried to go for the entirely clean break. It is difficult but I thought it would be the best way to start again, and I tried to make my intellect over-ride my emotions. That sounds cold, which is the opposite of what I am but you sometimes have to recognise reality and face it.

You are right, it is difficlt to let go.