Alone vs coupledom

[supernova]

I don't mean to make it sound like so much of a dichotomy. It really isn't.

What I mean is, while I have accepted my need for alone time, I don't know if that means being along always. I would like to think, for example, that I wouldn't grow old alone. That thought depresses me. But, due to my need for peace of mind through solitude, it seems really hard for me to create relationships. :shrug:

In The Highly Sensitive Person Elaine Aaron makes the point that some people just choose not to have relationships, finding the experience too intense.

So, my question is, how do you balance a relationship or the need for one, and your need for solitude? Maybe I can learn something.

[kaitykaity]

1. You find someone who respects that need

for solitude, who understands that you don't do "every day"
like a quote unquote normal person.

That's what I've done anyway. My "companion" travels a lot.
I see him about once a month or so, he stays for a couple of
days, and then he's gone again.

I've been with him for about nine years or so (since '96).
He lets me be, but I have a companion too.

It's like this low-level ache when he's gone, but then I
always know he comes back. He says he can't help himself.

:evilgrin:

[supernova]

4. I've actually thought about this

as a great way for me to "have it all." Heh. Good for you kaitykaity. :-)

[kaitykaity]

6. Thanks.

:sheepish grin:

I was careful I guess, or just d*mn lucky. I've got me a
good one. I trust him, and he's never given me any reason
not to. (He's never brought home a squiggly wiggly, if
you know what I mean.)

[supernova]

8. Yes, I think I know

what you mean. ;-) He sounds great. :-)

[Mizmoon]

2. I married another introvert

In a typical evening I will spend many hours in my office, he will be in his, and then later we'll hangout together and watch TV, chat, sit by the fire, etc. Since we both need and appreciate alone time it works out very well - we just celebrated our 4th.

[supernova]

5. How did you meet?

I find it especially hard to meet others of the same temperament. They're as hard to get to know as I am. :crazy:

[Mizmoon]

12. At work

I hardly go anywhere else and neither did he. It's risky to date at work but it was a good move in my case.

[DemExpat]

3. After long years of fussing I have finally convinced my husband

(we never actually formally married) of 24 years that my need to be alone a lot does not mean I don't like him personally....

He is an extrovert and loves chit-chat....while small talk is basically a tortuous irritant for me most of the time :D:D:D

I wish I had read Elain's book much earlier in my life - I would have felt better about myself in general, and would have been more honest about my particular needs too...:-(

Another option I think I would really like is a kind of relationship form here in Holland called LAT relationships, where you are a couple, but have separate living quarters.....sounds like heaven to me....be together when you want to be...be alone when you need to be.

We have a large house on 3 floors, and now that the kids are moving out I am seriously thinking of making 2 separate apartments for my hubby and me to live happily together and apart for our "Golden Years"
:D

He is starting to think that this is not such a bad idea at all. :kick:

DemEx

[supernova]

7. Loving this idea...

a kind of relationship form here in Holland called LAT relationships, where you are a couple, but have separate living quarters...

I've often dreamt of a house like this. Seperate living quarters with some common main areas.. kitchen, home theatre, game room, etc. I actually quite liked Southfork for this reason, eventhough I was in my early teens when it was on. I really loved that everybody had their own living areas to go to.

I wish I had read Elain's book much earlier in my life - I would have felt better about myself in general, and would have been more honest about my particular needs...

Same here. *Sigh* Besides the fact that my first husband was a jerk, from my end I had a hard time articulating my needs. I knew I needed alone time (he was very needy and clung to me like white on rice), but couldn't really come up with a good reason why. I could never get him to understand. I wasted A LOT of time being really hard on myself for no good reason.

Heh. I feel the same way about small talk. After a couple of minutes, if we don't find something "deep" to talk about, I'm climbing the walls to get out of there. :silly:

[DemExpat]

13. Southfork .......

in reduced form....I like it!

:hi:

I wasted A LOT of time being really hard on myself for no good reason.

:hug:


DemEx

[chaska]

9. Hey everybody...

Not much time for DU lately. But just wanted to say hi.

I like the way mizmoon's relationship sounds. I don't think I want to be alone all the time, or even most of the time. Sure seems to turn out that way though.

I'm in a big, uh, growth period (to put a positive spin on it). Lots of books to read, lots of thinking to do, lots of actions - that I've so far managed to avoid - that must soon be taken.

I've been feeling pretty low lately. Things aren't going well right now. But then this very pretty young woman just gave me the nicest smile. I tell ya ladies, do that for us, will ya? Some days it really makes the difference.

[supernova]

10. Hi chaska

:hi:

[DemExpat]

11. Hi!

:hi:

:-)

DemEx

[LWolf]

14. I'm also in a big growth period.

If I truly faced the whole list of large, energy-intensive projects I need to get done in the next 6 months, I'd expire on the spot.

I always need to be reminded to smile at people. I've been told that I intimidate people at work. I once offended someone because I never smiled at her when I passed her in the corridor. Because I was unfriendly? No. Because I never even saw her. When I'm "on," I have an incredibly intense single focus. I'll never even know there are other people in the room. The intense look on my face is one of focus on a series of tasks.

If we happen to be put on a project that requires group work, they are always shocked, early on. They never think I have a sense of humor, or a life. They see me as a working "machine." A demanding perfectionist, but not a real person.

I have a meeting tomorrow morning. I'll remember to smile when I walk in the room. ;-)

:hi:

[chaska]

15. Yeah me, I'm about as focused as cotton.

I wish I had that kind of intensity. I hate stress. Can't deal with it. That's probably my greatest fault. I wasn't made right for this machine age.

[LWolf]

17. That's interesting;

I think one of the whole reasons for that focus is to avoid stress. Deadlines stress me. I'm easily overwhelmed by too many things to do. So I pick one thing, tune everything else, and stick with it until it is done. If it is done a few days before a deadline, I'm in good shape. If I'm scrambling at the last minute to produce, I disintegrate. I'll finish something, but it won't be something I can take any pride in.

[devilgrrl]

16. "choose not to have relationships, finding the experience too intense"

That sounds about right where I'm concerned. :shrug:

[chaska]

18. Yeah, I can relate...

Fire is warm, but fire can burn.

Hi, devilgrrl.

[devilgrrl]

19. Ciao!

:hi:

[chaska]

21. Chow ... back atcha.

Food fight, anyone?

[Piperay]

34. Same here

relationships get too intense, the other person wants more from me than I am willing or able to give.

[supernova]

35. I've had issues with this also

:-(

My thinking now is, it would take perhaps an almost inhumanly generous person to be with me. :-(

I need someone who also needs their space. It's hard for me to get more extroverted people to understand. They just think I'm wierd.

[Desertrose]

20. I've been alone so long now, I must like it!

I have come to the conclusion I am pretty much a loner...but sometimes it is nice to have someone to do things with...go for a hike...go out to dinner...see a movie....I am spoiled I guess, my two grown kids are still with me & we get a long fine...we must all be loners LOL

Dem EX I love your plan...I need a bigger place and it'd be perfect.

But again...how...where do you meet people when you don't like groups, parties, bars or do the church thing?? Seems like more trouble thanits worth right now. Thing is ...I mostly LIKE people, I just like to keep my distance, too. LOL

Love this forum!!!
DR

[DemExpat]

22. Good seeing you here, DR....

:loveya:

I love people too, but in very small doses!

DemEx

[Lydia Leftcoast]

23. One of my academic colleagues (when I was teaching) put it this way:

"I'd love to be married on weekends and during vacations."

When I was teaching, I found that I desired solitude after a long day dealing with people. Like someone on one of the other threads, I was the kid who always curled up in the corner with a book at gathering of relatives. (I have a huge extended family, but I was exactly between generations--seven years younger than my mother's youngest cousin and seven years older than my oldest second cousin, an insurmountable gap when one is nine or ten).

I hate huge anonymous parties and singles bars. The presence of so many yakking people at once is overwhelming. Yet I like nothing better than socializing with five or six people or fewer.

No, that's not quite true. I like nothing better than being in a relationship, but I do require some space. I miss day-to-day intimacy terribly, but when I have been in a relationship, I have always needed time alone to decompress. The one gentleman friend who took that the right way was himself a bit of an introvert.

My current job is that of free-lance Japanese-English translator, and I am probably better suited than most people to spending long hours alone. Even so, I find that if I do not have some interaction with other people every day, I get depressed. Since I have no s.o. or children, this means having regularly scheduled activities.

My ideal, therefore, would be a man who was at least mildly introverted and understood that sometimes I need to escape, but that it doesn't mean anything with respect to my feelings about him.

[AgadorSparticus]

24. my husband does contract work in another city 2 weeks a month.

(approx.). and sometimes i go with him but the time apart automatically gives us space. ironically, we talk to each other more when he's gone than when he is at home. when he's working, he calls me constantly and we talk 10 times more than we do in person. i can never figure that part out.

at home, we sit together in the same room and do our own activities (usually it is him flipping through the channels on TV and me on the laptop). it's comfortable and we thrive on it. this subject has never been discussed between us. we just happen to love to hole up at home, watch movies, order out food, and lounge in our pajamas. we compromise on the movie selections but on the most part, we have very similiar interests and that helps.

[DemExpat]

25. I have this too with my S.O.....

when he's working, he calls me constantly and we talk 10 times more than we do in person. i can never figure that part out.

I also have not been able to figure out exactly WHY, but my hunch is that in person we "threaten" each other's space somehow,(certainly his extrovert need to interact with me threatens me....) while on the phone that negative is not there.
I also think that my husband (like many males I have known) has a problem with real, in person intimacy....but that is another story....:-)


I think I just figured it out by trying to explain it here (for my husband and me) :D:

I am threatened by his extrovert need to interact almost contantly, and he is threatened by real heart to heart intimacy in person.
So phone talk is SAFE! :-)

:hi:
DemEx

[AgadorSparticus]

26. oooooh, i think you just solved it for us too.

---especially with the intimacy part. and my SO also has the need to interact constantly--unless there is a rams or lakers game. THEN it is all solo. lol i am like you--quietly doing my own thing and i do feel threatened at times when he wants too much attention.

:hi:

[supernova]

28. That's interesting

I think I do this too with my sister somewhat. When we talk on the phone there's lots to say... when we are face to face, it's a little quieter. :silly:

[Bok_Tukalo]

27. The last year and half is the longest time I've been alone

in my life and I have to say it is the worst time I've ever had and now that I've been alone for so long, I'm beginning to suspect that I have lost the ability to interact on a day-to-day level with another individual. This bothers me a great deal. I'm starting to worry about it.

[supernova]

29. Do you consider yourself a loner?

There are plenty of things to do alone. Check out the hobbies thread. It's a little harder then living with someone. You have to purposefully go out and see people.

[Bok_Tukalo]

30. I'm beginning to think of myself as a loner

and I'm not sure that I want to be.

I have several things that I do alone but I am always thinking it would be nice to have an anchor (not in the pejorative sense) with me in order to share the experience.

[AgadorSparticus]

31. baby steps might help. i can't imagine having anyone in my day to

day life other than my husband and my dog. the interaction that i get with people at the dog park or at stores is more than enough for me. it doesn't seem normal at times. but i'm not compelled enough to actually join any group to make any friends. i have my hobbies and my activities at home that more than keep me busy and fulfilled.

maybe it would ease your mind if you just engaged in short and shallow interactions at first. and do it at your own pace. when you feel more comfortable, you can have coffee with someone. and then progress from there. you may even do a full circle and find that you ultimately like to be alone better than spending it with someone. sometimes the grass just appears greener on the other side. kwim?

[Bok_Tukalo]

32. I fear I am digging a rut

That I am growing attached to aloneness and will be unable to extricate myself from it.

[AgadorSparticus]

33. so do you spend time alone because you WANT to or because

you are afraid to go out? i spend time alone because i WANT to--it gives me mental joy and inner peace.