How do you communicate your boundaries to others?

[supernova]

In a way that is compassionate and friendly and doesn't put the blame on any one person in particular?

I have a very hard time with this. I'm still figuring it out. This is especially true of my relationship to groups. I'm having a hard time with my church. I'm not as social as they want or , possibly need, me to be.

I am not always at worship, because sometimes quite frankly I'm not up to seeing anyone most mornings. You know how that is. But I am on two different committees/activities that meet monthly and I am always there and I always volunteer for activities I think I can realistically do.

But I get funny looks if I'm not warming a seat at worship every week. What's up with that? I'm trying to find a way to explain myself better, but I fear somehow I'll always sound selfish in this extremely social, extroverted group.

Anyone got any ideas? :shrug:

[Spider Jerusalem]

1. Eh...most social groups strive for a certain level of conformity.

The best thing would be to say "I'm an introvert, it's nothing to do with you...and too much time around other people literally drains me to the point of exhaustion. I'm as active and involved as I can be, given my social limitations...and to be honest, sometimes Sunday is the only day of the week I can really keep to myself and recharge." Hopefully they will be understanding.

And the weekly attendance at services is more about an outward show of piety and a sign of group solidarity than anything spiritually significant, anyway...God doesn't care if you go to church every Sunday or not at all, so it's certainly not anyone else's place to (especially considering that you ARE an active and participating member of the congregation, as evidenced by your volunteer work).

[supernova]

2. Thanks, Spider

That helps a lot.

I just find it irritating that people expect more than I can deliver (or that I can deliver differently) and I have to keep reminding them of it.

I sometimes wonder if I'm in the right group.

[Spider Jerusalem]

5. Well,, therein lies the problem...

or part of it, anyway...too many extroverts think that they're "normal", and that if you aren't an extrovert yourself, it's because you're "poorly socialised", or because you "need to get out of your shell", or something like that. And things won't really change THAT much, because people tend to be pretty much the same anywhere you go...it's not the fact that you're in what may be the wrong group; it's the fact that you're in a group at all. Group dynamics are pretty much the same, no matter what the group is, and naturally any group is going to be dominated by extroverts. You know, you could try to see the humour in your situation...someone who's not really a "people person" who still has the idealism and altruism to want to do something to help people...kind of funny, when you think about it. :)

I know it can be kind of frustrating, sometimes, but I'm glad I could help a little.

[DemExpat]

3. I used to feel ashamed when I did not participate

like "everyone else" did....

My husband would add to this with his disapproval of my somewhat "anti-sociable" character.

Now I have found acceptance from family and friends - because now....FINALLY...they have learned that I love them dearly and do much for them, but that I am not always in the mood for the social activities that they ask me to attend.

I also finally learned to do what is best for me, and it sounds like you have done this too, supernova.

Those people in your life that really matter will accept this of you, too. IMO.

DemEx

[DemExpat]

4. I had to laugh when I saw your subject line, though....

because I have not always been very tactful to my family members when I was in great need of alone/down time....

"Leave me alone!!!!!!'
"Frig off...please!".......

I've used less than friendly lines to communicate my boundaries.....
:evilfrown: :mad: :evilfrown: :mad:

:hi:
DemEx

[intheflow]

6. As a minister just lurking in here today

I think church people giving you looks for not being in the pew every Sunday is snarky. If you're on committees and volunteer, you're probably already more active in your church than most of the people who sit their butts in the pews on Sunday mornings.

I agree with the poster, above. If anyone gives you any flack, just tell them you're an introvert and leave it at that. If they can't accept you for who you are and the contributions you give to the community, it's their problem waaaaaaaay more than it's yours.

:hug: