Are you really happy being a loner?

[Trigger Hippie]

No friends, no family, no worries? If so, how do you do it?

Or, do you wish you could make more connections with people?

I sometimes wish both. I wish I didn't want or need people at all, a true lone wolf. But I want to be around people, too. It feels good to be with friends sometimes. I'm too outgoing to be a loner and too shy to be a social butterfly. Blah.

[bemildred]

1. It's not like that.

Dosage is everything. I like people in the proper dose.
The dose I like is just a good deal less than the norm.
Some like a lot less than I do. If you are that kind of
person, not seeing anybody for a month is great. You sound
like you're somewhere in the middle, like me. You just need
to find the right people to be friends with, ones that
will respect how you are.

[Trigger Hippie]

2. It's always so hard to find a happy medium....

:(

[supernova]

3. Balance is everything

I'm finding out.

I'm finding out how very rare it is to find people who are comfortable with my comings and goings.

Everyone has to sift through a lot of people in the melee of daily life to find people they are comfortable with. For us it can be extra frustrating because our opportunities for meeting people are even more limited than an extrovert's.

:hug: Just keep trying is all I can say. :hug:

[MN ChimpH8R]

4. I've gotten used to it.

I don't have many friends, and almost all of them are co-hobbyists (I am big into a nerdy hobby and write about it as an avocation). Being around people has never been easy for me and I can't stand being in large groups where I only know one or two people. I can pass a weekend running errands and talking mostly to my cat - maybe the phone rings once or twice, but if it doesn't that is OK as well.

Occasionally I get desperately lonely, but a couple of drinks gets me distracted and I listen to music or read. I am lucky - I don't obsess when I drink. I wind up wandering off in completely different directions.

I do with things could be different, but after 40-some years I realize that nothing is going to change anymore.

[Trigger Hippie]

5. I drink a bit too -- to break up the monotony.

That's probably a bad thing, but what the fuck, huh? I used to be good at being alone, but I've gotten restless lately. I want more friends but I don't know how to get them. It's too fucking hard. *sigh* It can take years for me to get to know someone....

take care :pals:

[gmoney]

6. Awww... Pookie...

:pals:

Breaks my heart... wish there was a good way we could pal around. :hug:

[Trigger Hippie]

7. Hey, G.

:hug:

It is too bad we can't hang out. :(

[LWolf]

8. Notice my DU "name."

I don't know how I'd feel if my life circumstances were different.

In the setting I live in, I crave aloneness all the time. I moved to a new state, 900 miles away, last spring.

I also moved my adult son and little grandson in with me. This place is twice as big as my old cottage, and my room is huge; truly a "retreat." Still, I spend all day at work in a room with 30 adolescents. The phone rings, the emails are buzzing, people are coming in, and everybody needs something. My life is really out of balance. Everyone needs something from me. My son needs my help with my grandson, as he is new to single parenting. My grandson needs me to mother him, as he no longer has one. My mother needs me to listen to her and hang out with her. My students need me to help them, their parents need me to listen and communicate, and my colleagues all need something. There is no one in my life who wants to be around me without needing something. I did have a small group of friends who just liked me, without needing me, before I moved. I still email them and talk to them on the phone every few weeks.

My mom has been nagging; a typical extrovert, she can't figure out why I haven't become better friends with my neighbors (I've met them and wave cordially; don't hang out), or gotten some sort of "social circle" together. I have no inclination to do so at all. Even the friend I have here, who only lives a few miles away, only hears from me every couple of months. I can go months without picking up a phone to call friends, and it's no big deal. I still care about them, I still like to talk to them, I just don't want to let anyone else into my precious time or space. I crave aloneness, and privacy, more than anything else. I'd rather log on and type a few anonymous conversations than hear the phone ring, because it is my choice. I can choose when to speak, when to lurk, and when to log off. No one needs me.

If my life were different, it would probably be more balanced. When I was married it was really no different; I had people I liked, but felt no need to socialize or talk to them regularly. Then and now, the last thing in the world I want is to have "company." I think that bothered my husband. He tended to be somewhat of an introvert, as well, but not like me. It turns out that he really did like to socialize with a small group of people; he just wanted to be passive. He wanted his wife to be the socializer, so he could tag along. Oops. My house is my sanctuary. So much so that this new place sits in the center of 6 acres at the end of a private dead-end road, next to miles of public land, and my neighbors new house is driving me crazy. He tore the old manufactured home, tucked below a little ridge, down. He built a big two story house that he keeps lighted up like a beacon way too close to our connecting fence. I'm planning to plant a privacy screen this spring along a 679 foot fence line.

When I'm invited somewhere after work or on the weekend, I always say I'll try to make it. I rarely do. Sometimes it is because I have business to take care of. Mostly it's because I need to be at home, with nobody else's energy around me.

[Nay]

14. Gosh, LWolf, are we twins separated at birth??? You have nearly

described my life, down to the loner husband who, secretly, wants me to be the ship's social director so he can enjoy a gathering without ever actually having to DO any of the work associated with it. Arrrgh!

And work. . .don't get me started. Just like yours, except with 4 bosses, 130 coworkers passing by my desk all day, phones ringing, daily emergencies (I work in a police dept), etc. When I get home, I want to hide. I want to go to a padded room where there is no TV, no noise at all. And a comfy chair to sit in to just rest.

Although I truly like most of the people I come into contact with, I have always craved solitude more than anything. Most people, even ones I like, are energy vampires--they suck the energy right out of me. An hour in a bar with friends and I'm mentally trying to figure out how to escape. The noise, the lights, the people, Jeez, get me out of here.

[LWolf]

16. That describes me pretty well!

I cringe when the phone rings. I chose a house at the dead end of a private road, set so far back that you can't see it from said private road.

An hour of socializing is about my limit. I don't invite people over to do any socializing at my place; my santuary feels "violated" with others in it.

[Quakerfriend]

28. It seems that this may fit a certain personality type. I, have to

laugh reading yours and LWolfs posts because they fit me to a tee.

The only part that makes me sad is that no one else seems to be able to understand it.

Unfortunately I have two young sons, now 9 and 13, and 45+ (I kid you not) first order family members who live no less than 15 minutes away.

[LeighAnn]

29. Are you me???

Thank you for saving me the time of having to post all that.

Ditto. Some of the details are a bit different, but I absolutely relate.

I can generally manage to have the hours of 12 am to 3 am all by myself. I call these the "Hours of Wonder" and wish they'd never end. Sadly, I have to get up relatively early, so I am massively sleep deprived. Will happily trade sleep for solitude the way men will trade sleep for sex.

I hope that in the months since you posted this you have found some form of retreat. I feel for you!

[LWolf]

30. Here's a quick wave to the kindred souls

here; it's my 20 minutes of "space" before bedtime, and I'm on the computer. I'll take a book with me when I get done with "family time" tonight, but I'll fall asleep before I've gotten past 2 pages.

:hi:

One more week, and school is out. While I work the rest of June and August doing other things, I get the whole month of July to myself...heaven!

[mcscajun]

9. That's only one variety of "loner"

I have friends...sisters close by (but not too close) but I live alone and like it.

I can be on my own for weeks at a time and see no one and like that, too.

I have something of a social life. Just no love life. :(

[Skittles]

10. it's strange

I always hear how AWFUL it is to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas alone - I have spent almost ALL of mine alone and yes, I'm just fine with it - the few times I did the get-together crap (boyfriends' families) I HATED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LWolf]

11. I am a true lone wolf.

There are people I care about, that I like to talk to and spend time with. It can be hard to maintain a close relationship with any of those people. Seeing a couple of people once a month is plenty for me. That includes those I love the best; my mom, 2 sons, and grandson.

I don't go looking for people to spend time with for any reason, I just try to maintain contact with people I already care about so they don't think that I'm completely cold.

My idea of bliss is to not have to talk to anyone, or acknowledge anyone, for days at a time.

[shanti]

12. i can sympathize

because i too, am a 'lone wolf'. i'm still raising my last son (15), and it's very hard! he's EXTREMELY extroverted, into sports (which means i am too), and this forces me out of the house. my son has noticed how i am and doesn't like it! we constantly butt heads - he is just like his father.

i'm quite content to not leave the house all weekend, and having my house to myself is BLISS. it gets easier as he gets older as he can find other things to do that don't require my presence.

i also have no romantic partners (by choice), but do have one female and one male friend who put up with me:) every so often. that's fine with me too - i can't take too much drama. people have tried to start friendships with me on my job, but i just don't have the time, energy, or inclination for them. it's enough that i have 4 sons (one DIL) a brother, a sister and my parents still living. i don't need or want any more!

if that makes me 'weird', so be it. :hug:

[LWolf]

13. I hear that.

Having moved 900 miles north, my mom is thrilled to have me within range again. She wanted to invite her friends over to my place for thanksgiving; I said no. Her extrovert self has been overtly critical, and nagging, because I haven't gone out of my way to make social connections in the 8 months I've been here.

[IronLionZion]

15. Loving it

I like keeping to myself. It makes life a lot less complicated. People always like to tell you their problems, but I don't want to hear it. Sometimes it's nice to hang out with friends and family, but definitely not on a daily basis. I've always lived with someone else my whole life until I graduated college in 2005. It's nice not having anyone else around to deal with.

The only time it bothers me is when someone tells me I'm a loser or anti-social. I get offended too easily...which is precisely why I'm a loner. Friends, roommates, family, all tend to annoy me after a few days.

[complain jane]

24. Nice to find I'm not alone in being a loner

Love this forum even though I hardly ever post in this section.

I work with some people who are oddly codependent. A decision can't be made by any of them unless it's done by committee, whether it's how to word a personal email or what shade of lipstick to wear for the afternoon. I can't stand listening to it, so I stay in my office. They'll spend an hour gossiping about nothing, and get offended if (when) I decline an invitation to go out after work to watch them do more of the same thing at a bar. It's as if they can't function without being validated by somebody every minute of the day.

I like to have acquaintances and I'm considered a snob for being content with that.

I don't 'hang out' with any coworkers outside of work- I like it that way.

I see my best friend three times a year, tops (she lives in another state). I like that that way too, as does she. We talk on the phone a few times a month.

Too much face time and interaction with people just seems to make drama and grief and bullshit.

[DemExpat]

17. Oh, I am a loner for sure.....

very much enjoying having my house to myself during the day since my 2 kids have grown and moved out - although I talk to them and need to see them regularly!

I also need contact with people on a daily basis - but at my discretion, my choosing, and in small doses!

:hi:

DemEx

[Wapsie B]

18. That sounds like me.

I need my space big time. I feel most alone in crowds of people where I don't feel I fit in. People can drain me and yet I still want to reach out to someone.

[Skittles]

19. I would say more content than happy

yes indeed

[mainegreen]

20. Hell yeah.

Interaction intrudes into my music/programming time.
Seriously. If you're not my wife, go away.

;-)

[Dervill Crow]

21. This group sure is quiet.

I may have previously answered this question and said I was happy being a loner, but it changes from day to day. Every once in awhile I have an insane urge to reach out and get involved with other people, so last spring I started taking a class. Friday I did not want to do anything but hide underneath the bed, and instead of calling, I sent an e-mail to the teacher, telling him I was withdrawing from the class. As luck would have it, he didn't check e-mail, they waited for me, class was held up, he called and basically hung up on me when I said I had e-mailed him about not coming. He was obviously pissed off. He sent an e-mail of chastisement and encouraged me to learn how not to offend people if I ever chose to partake in a class like that one.

Tell me the truth: Am I the only bonehead who does stuff like this? Being with people is just too damned much work. If I had felt capable of making a phone call, I could have just gone to class.

[quiet.american]

22. Yes, I'm happy! But I'm always SURROUNDED by people!

I am a loner. I love being alone.

However, I'm financially responsible for a parent who lives with me.

My siblings (bless them) always want more face time with me. Especially now that new nephews are in the picture.

My friends constantly communicate by email and phone.

My "clients" (more like friends I do web work for) always need some tweak or update on their webpages.

My volunteer work adds a whole other dimension of necessary communications for significant portions of time.

I'm hardly ever alone for 5 minutes!!!!!

AAAGH.

(But am grateful for the people who love me and want to be around me, even though I'm always "hiding out.")

[Up2Late]

23. Most of the time...

...except during the holidays, and maybe the occasional concert or formal dinner.

My 25th High school reunion is going to be a bit awkward next year, I think.

[GOPFighter]

25. I enjoy the advantages

I enjoy the solitude, the freedom to stop and observe nature, to sit on the deck for hours and think about why people act the way they do. I'm married to a semi-loner too, which helps. If I had to choose, I'd choose to be a loner (at least on most days!).

[shrike]

26. I call myself an emotional cactus

in that I don't need a lot of "watering." Or personal relationships.

I'm not sure whether I was born or made that way; probably a little of both. Due to circumstances beyond my control I got very little attention while I was growing up, and thus learned to live without it. But I may have also been born with a personality that doesn't require much sustenance anyway -- if I'd needed more attention I probably would have found ways of getting it, like acting up.

I have a few close relationships, all with family members, a couple of casual friendships and that's enough for me. I don't know if I could handle much more.

[electricmonk]

27. Another happy loner

I like to think I have a nice medium. I'm a supervisor at work so I have to deal with people the whole 8 or so hours that I'm there. Then when I get home I'm by myself. On weekends sometimes I will go out and be with my friends or I'll just chill at home with the stereo or internet to keep me company, like this weekend. Most of my long term friends I've realized I don't really have much in common with anymore since they all have families and I don't. My other more recent friends I'm not close enough to yet to feel like I can hang out with them anytime or call them out of the blue. I could have gone to a birthday party tonight but after thinking about who all would be there it would have been kinda lame since I'm not close to any of them. But then I guess if I don't go to functions like that I never will get close to them so it's a catch 22.

Some people I know amaze me in the fact that they are NEVER alone. I don't know how they do it. If they break up with their girl/boyfriend a week later they have a new one. Even when they are alone they are stuck to their cell phone so they don't really have any peace. I go days without a phone call and sometimes even if I do get a call I ignore it.

My life is usually Monday thru Friday I deal with work and it's related functions. Friday night I might go out if something specific like a band I want to see is playing. Saturday is usually reserved for shopping and cleaning. Saturday night I'll go out if there is something to do or like this weekend just chill at home. Sunday I might hit Mom's if it's a holiday or if it's been a few weeks since I've been by. She's not dependent on me coming by so she's not usually concerned about when I stop in for a visit. I get a LOT of my personality from her so that doesn't surprise me.

[Deja Q]

31. How do I do it? I just do.

Don't use "lone wolf". That's been used to describe terrorists by our warm and caring media :sarcasm:. And I don't like it when loners are made out, pegged, or set-up as being antisocial miscreants.