Loners and holidays; somewhat of a rant.

[LWolf]

With Thanksgiving coming up, I thought I'd mention:

The social obligations attached to holidays leave me drained and exhausted.

I hate cooking. I always have. I hate hosting anything. You'll never find me inviting people to my house. My idea of celebrating an "occasion" is to go to a restaurant; neutral ground where no one can expect me to "join in" more than I feel called to, and where the number of people will probably be small.

Then there are holidays. Where you are expected to do "family gatherings." When I lived 900 miles away from my extrovert mom, who has no understanding and no tolerance for my "unfriendliness," I did ok. I organized small, casual, easy family things where we just hung out for awhile, and then went home. It worked.

Now I live close to my mom; not "too" close, lol. I'm 45 miles away. On purpose. She announced in September that it was time to "organize" the holidays. She loves to host. She loves to invite the world over, work her ass off, serve everyone all day and night, never sit down, and then suggest that, since she did all the "work," I could do kitchen duty afterwards. Did I mention that she uses 10X the number of implements to prepare any meal than I do?

So we organized. That means she announced what she wanted, and got her way. I "do" Thanksgiving, she "does" Christmas. I said fine, as long as her Christmas started in the afternoon and we didn't have to sleep over. So I planned Thanksgiving with my son; he and my grandson are now living with me. He wanted me to buy a whole Thanksgiving dinner, pointing out that my last few efforts were, uh, unpalatable. Ever since the head injury that took my sense of smell and diminished my sense of taste, I apparently don't cook well. I objected because of cost. I assigned my mom to do stuffing (her favorite) and pie. I said I'd cook a turkey and make a salad, and my son could do the rest. I envisioned a meal on the table early afternoon that people could browse on all day, some football games, and no stress.

My son let me know to expect his best friend, a soldier just home from a year in Iraq. Ok. No big deal. He always hangs out at my house on leave, has been to TG before, and they don't demand anything from me. Except that I forgot that he's recently married, bringing his new wife. Still ok, even though I feel a sense of tension at having "company." I don't think of family as "company" that I have to "host;" that's how I deal with the holiday. Then I remember that mom is coming; she has never gotten along with the soldier, and is going to badger him about his political views, demanding that he change his mind and agree with her after his experiences in Iraq. The soldier is home a changed man, having lost too many people from his company over there. I have to find a way to silence her without offending her. She can make life miserable for the next year if it isn't handled delicately.

Yesterday my mom called to let me know she'd invited two of her friends. I like them both, but suddenly we have an "event" instead of some family hanging out. I find myself contemplating running away until Thanksgiving is over. I don't even want to be here. I want to call my mom and tell her not to invite or bring anyone. I'm hesitating because I know she'll be offended, and that means she'll have two things to be offended over, making me pay double in the year to come.

How do you tell someone who is sensitive, defensive, and thinks you are "unfriendly" not to invite her friends without putting a stick into the anthill? How do you tell an extreme extrovert to shut up and mind her own business with your other guest without doing the same? Should I just run away?

[supernova]

1. Be honest with her

and tell her for you to enjoy the holiday, you can only handle x amount of people, whatever that is. And now that this get-together has become an "event," it has gotten too large for you to enjoy.

Tell her, you'll come, share the meal, whatever, for a few hours and then you will go home. Enlist your children to help with the clean-up so you don't have to stay any longer than is palpable for you. I think that's fair.

The thing with extroverts is they don't realized we live by a completely different standard. So it's up to us to educate them.

Your mother is no more sensitive than you. You're right in that she might be more *defensive.* But you deserve as much as she does, to enjoy the holiday. Since you are planning this together, you deserve to have your wishes accomodated too. :hug:

Seriously, I would tell her that this thing has gone past your capacity. Why make a wreck of yourself for only a day's work?

And yes, she may complain about it for a while, but if you give her consistent messages about other situations where this happens, she'll eventually give in. Or, maybe not. But, bottom line, you won't have to lie to be in her presence.

[LWolf]

2. I talked to her yesterday.

I took a deep breath, stayed calm and matter-of-fact, and we reached an agreement. When she is coming to my house, as she is for this Thanksgiving, she doesn't bring anyone along. When I go to her house, as I will for Christmas, she can invite as many as she likes, because she is the hostess.

She said that when she heard that "other people were coming," she figured she'd invite some more. Typical extrovert response, lol. If a couple of people are good, more are better. As it ends up, we got a call this weekend to tell us that the serviceman and his wife won't be joining us either; his leave has been shortened, leaving no travel time.

So Thanksgiving will consist of a total of 4 people, including me; my son, grandson, and mother. I can do that.

[supernova]

3. Good deal!

:hug: :-)

I'm glad it worked out.