I am paralyzed.

[Kire]

I can't stop thinking about the horrific things I've done in my life. Total shame has taken over my life. I can't even go out to find a job. I'm on SSD for a "mental illness", and my medications seem to be working so I can get a part time job that pays less than $750 a month if I want. But I avoid contact with anybody and everybody.

I have no family here. I have no friends. I have no life, and I'm scared. I can't travel because I can't leave my cat. I can't move closer to my family because they are so disfunctional, I would kill myself. At least the ones I know. I don't know anybody left on my father's side of the family. I'm starting to regret even posting this here. DU has been a constant daily presence for years now. I can't tell if it's keeping me sane, or distracting me from what I shoud "really be doing" (whatever the hell that is).

I stay awake all night. Sometimes for 24 hours or more. I believe I am incabable of keeping a schedule. I was so sad this week when my brother, who was visiting, fell asleep at 11 o'clock at night when I knew I was going to be up until 4 am at the earliest. I'm glad he visited, but he has no interest in staying here, and I have no interest in going where he lives. I took him to see the Memorial Garden where our Dad is for the first time. I got so upset the night before. It wasn't bad that day. I was expecting to force him to drive home. I told that I "fucked up my life" and he said that I have it so much better than most people throught out the world. Great. But I'm here, not out in the world. WTF?

Anyway, I've stopped thinking of things to write. It would be a miracle if I used that Post Message button. Not really, but it would comfort me if you had some kind words. Thank you.

Cross posted at Mental Health Support Group forum.

[Kire]

1. Well

That was my pity party. I feel better now. Feel free to ignore.

[supernova]

2. Kire, how are you today?

:hi:

Your OP sounds so anxious. Are you being treated for your anxiety? That's a rock and a hard place if I've ever seen one.

Please take care.

[astral]

3. Hi, Kire -- I'm sorry you're so stuck

I can feel your anxiety through your words. I used to get anxiety attacks just having to show up for school every day. I would be frozen and could not bring myself to speak or look up and acknowledge people around me even when they were making fun of me in class.

I am much more relaxed now but still 99% a loner. It would be nice if there was some way for you to connect in your community to something where you could have the opportunity to meet some people. I know it's another anxiety attack thought, but we loners don't need a lot of connections --- but we do need SOME. Somebody out there who we can call on, or who can call on us, even if it's rare. Just someone who can say they care if you're feeling down, and they want you to feel better.

I can say that to you, and mean it, because I KNOW how you feel! But it's not quite enough. I'm just a faceless person on a message board who is with you in the Loner's Forum today.

Don't despair! Don't give in or give up. Remember you may be a loner, but you are not alone -- many, many of us find the exact same things difficult as you do. And we do get 'stuck.' But when you can't stand being stuck anymore it's a chance you can think of something you can do, that's not too scary to try. Even go to a show or a play by yourself. Go to a swimming pool, if you like to swim or hang out in the sauna. Go to a book-signing at a bookstore, see if there is a recovery group for just plain dysfunctional families. I think ACOA includes anyone who feels they come from a dysfunctional family.

Hang in there. Post here some more. Maybe some other people can come up with some better ideas.

Drink pure water and get out and walk in the fresh air. It can help focus and unclutter your mind and untwist your knot in your stomach. Try it !

[Deja Q]

4. I second that. I am in the same exact situation as Kire.

And to you, Kire: :hug:



We are survivors. We always have been. Even if we're... misunderstood at times.

[Quakerfriend]

5. Dear Kire

Please, hang on dear. You deserve to feel happiness and purpose in everything you do.

From you post, I sense that you are a deeply caring, and loving person who's just plain STUCK.

I, myself, have felt stuck at times. But, since I am a biochemist and nutritionist, I see it as a clinical issue and I immediately get my vitamins out. This really helps. (I find that sub lingual B-12, St. John's Wort and Focus Factor help me immensely). When I am stuck, and I take the vitamins, I get up and start doing- cleaning out the closet, paying bills- whatever. Everything is easy to do and I am essentially 'unstuck' after my brain chemistry is balanced!

I have a very big family, and a strong family history of depression and mental illness. Scientists have learned in recent years that the frontal lobes of individuals who suffer from depression are considerably smaller than those who do not. To me, this confirms the physical aspects, without a doubt. But, it can be overcome.

If there's any way you can get out and exercise this would be most helpful. Also, begin taking a multivitamin + B12. Also, if you feel that you can, begin to do some volunteer work. You may wish to consider hospice care. You could stop anytime. But, it would help you to put some purpose to each day. And, giving something of yourself to others is a very powerful healer. You will find it very rewarding and I know that there are many out there who would love to have a gentle, kind person to sit by their side and just be their with them.

When my mother was on hospice I used to stay as long as I could but, I would have loved to know that someone, a volunteer, was coming by later on to be with her. She loved to visit with anyone just to pass the time, in the end.

Blessing to you Kire . And, please know that we are sending love and energy your way! You are not alone in this. And, we are here to help you in anyway that we can.

Please, drop in and let us know how it's going.

:hug:

[Deja Q]

6. I started a new drug because of an... incident a week ago.

Please PM me for more information.

[roguevalley]

7. sweetie, the past is yesterday. its gone. all you have is now. you

must learn to forgive yourself. you must learn that everyday is a new start. forgive yourself each morning and move forward. don't let the past trap you. you are worth much more than that. take care please.

[stuntcat]

8. Sleep.

I have extremes, days when I can't stop laughing and times when I can't break out of worrying about my past and about the world, which is looking more hopeless by the day.
But I decided to force myself to get more sleep. I have such a hard time slowing my mind down, like 4 or 5 random problems I can't let go of will speed through my mind every 60 seconds. So when it came time to lay down and sleep for 7 or 8 hours I'd spend the first 3 or 4 hours laying there worrying. But I decided to change it, I take 2 25-mg diphenhydromine's at 10:00 and at 11:00 I have a glass of wine and lay down and force myself to concentrate on reading until my eyes close. This might be horribly unhealthy and maybe it's my liver I need to worry about now, but I told a doctor I was taking the diphenhydromine to sleep (I kinda fibbed, I said "most" nights) and he seemed to think it was okay for me. And even though I'm no doctor I know it's more healthy than lying awake all night.. which I did my whole life, I saw the sun come up so many times, after I'd just laid there wasting my time for 5 or 6 hours. I'm never going back to that.
Also I try to laugh more. The more ridiculous the world is and the more ridiculous my life looks to me then the harder I try to laugh, sometimes it's a crazy maniac laugh but it's a laugh still. I read cartoons and watch funny movies.. watching a funny movie for a couple of hours can snap me out of a very bad mood sometimes.
I might be starting to sound like I've given up hope in a lot of things and maybe that's sick but focussing on little things I can do (sometimes just keeping the cats happy) and getting a good night's sleep every night are bringing me up.

I don't mean to go on and on, sorry, but I've been way way down sometimes before.. from now on I'm trying to laugh at Everything though!

[stuntcat]

9. BUT doctors and the great SG say

DO NOT take diphenhydromine with any alcohol at all, just so everyone sees my warning, it's bad bad evil evil

[live love laugh]

10. About shame . . .

I have done some soul searching recently because shame has been a theme in my life for so long. I often feel bad about myself and I realized that some childhood abuse issues have a lot to do with it. I have somehow internalized the shame of what I felt as a child and perpetuated that feeling by doing things that I feel guilty about. It seems simple to say but it has taken me forever to realize that I have to stop doing things that make me feel guilty or ashamed. I have to be honest at all costs--or else I descend into a shame spiral. (That term shame spiral makes me laugh--I remember if from the movie Clueless.) The other thing that helps me cast off shame is trying to remember how precious and fleeting life is and that I am not here to live up to anybody else's expectations or standards.

Shame is a powerful emotion and though I am not free of it, I am in the process of moving beyond it. I hope you can join me on the journey.