The Letters Of Lackwell Piddletrenthide

[Kire]

DEAR SIR,

I have been with your bank for over ten years, sixty-five to be precise, and never in all this time have I had service the like of which I received today.

I have become accustomed to a laudable degree of mediocrity and an offhand treatment of which I have become fond to an almost sexual degree. It came as a great shock, then, akin to being "haddocked" in the Old Etonian fashion, to be served with alacrity and respect by a young and intelligent member of your staff. I must insist that this behaviour be supressed and the individual, whose name (I was able to ascertain from her name-badge) was Miss Customer Service-Advisor, hanged.

I remain, etc.

LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE

* * *

DEAR SIRS,

I notice with some dismay that my policy of reasonable objection to your activities has proved fruitless. My frequent open letters to the Okeford Gazette have likewise come to no avail. I consider myself to have been only too accommodating, and it comes as a grave disappointment to encounter your continuing refusal to desist from the matters at hand, in which you have now been engaged continuously for a total of some weeks.

Therefore I must put it bluntly, sirs: stop jumping up and down on my dog or I'll rip your bloody arms off.

I complain, etc.

LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE

* * *

DEAR MADAM,

As I write this I am engaged in observation of my immediate environs from my bedroom, and I cannot help but notice that you are clearly visible to me in a state of undress. This is frightful behaviour and unacceptable in a prestigious residential neighbourhood such as this.

I remain, etc.

LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE

* * *

DEAR MADAM,

Upon further inspection I have ascertained that you are in fact my wife and situated in the same room as I. I must therefore ask you to disregard my previous letter.

I remain, etc.

LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE

* * *

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