News Flash

[RushIsRot]

VATICAN CITY

In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U.S. pResident
George W. Bush has been named to succeed John Paul II as the
next leader of the Catholic Church.

For the first time in history, the College of Cardinals employed
electronic voting machines to select the next Supreme Pontiff.

Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only
115 Cardinals took part in the process. The machines, which
were last used in the 2004 Ohio presidential election, also
registered minus 27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry.

It's a miracle!" cried Kenneth Blackwell, spokesperson for
voting machine manufacturer Diebold Corporation.

God has spoken.

Supporters of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whom early exit polls
had leading by a comfortable marginin the voting, demanded a
recount.

But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified
to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are
unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount
impossible.

When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed
surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said.

"I wish people would tell me these things."However, he added
that he would be "honored and privileged to serve as Supreme
Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever
comes first.