The Joke Buffet 4-30-07

[DeSwiss]

Together Again, At Last

She married and had 13 children. - And then her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. - Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. And alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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The Loyal Husband

A woman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet her husband stayed by her bedside every single day. Then one day she came to, and she motioned for him to come nearer.

As he sat by her side, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "you know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When you got fired and we just had my income you stayed there to give moral support since you had nothing else to give. And when your business venture failed, you stuck it out for the both of us, until the bankruptcy hearing was over. And when I got shot that time when I was driving your car, you were the first to inquire if I made it. Then when we lost the house, you stayed right there with me in our crummy little apartment. And now, when my health started failing, you’re here still by my side..."

"You know what?"

"What dear?" he gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, so get the hell away from me."

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Amish Hand Warmer

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said hesitantly, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

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Daddy's Calling!

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle - Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"O my goodness!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??... Is this 486 - 5731 ??"

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The Naughty Priest

Three nuns were in the church the other day discussing various rumors about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow. "What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun. "I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.

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Blonde Dandruff

A blonde was talking to her brunette friend about her boyfriend. The blonde said, "I love my boyfriend - but I absolutely HATE his dandruff!"

Her friend asked, "Did you try giving him Head & Shoulders?"

The blonde thought about this for a minute, and finally replied, "How do you give shoulders?"

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Barbie's Love Triangle

A little girl stood in the long line to see Santa Claus. When it was finally her turn, she climbed up on Santa's lap.

Santa asked the girl, "What would you like me to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looked puzzled. He paused for a moment and said, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," explained the little girl. "Barbie comes with G.I Joe - she only fakes it with Ken."

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In A Word

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road...

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Finding Jesus

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"


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Who's Your Daddy?

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

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Miss Bee

Miss Bee was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."(pointing to the bowl)

"Oh yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

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Look In The Freezer!

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kinda drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[Digit]

1. Excellent Jokes!

Loved every single one of them....bravo!
:rofl:

[flying_wahini]

2. wonderful, thanks !

[Joe Chi Minh]

3. Some very funny jokes! I particularly liked the first one.